All Hat No Cattle

Monday, September 18, 2017

Republican's Make Last Ditch Effort To Punch Obama

Senate GOP tries one last time to repeal Obamacare
McConnell and his lieutenants will gauge support for the bill this week in private party meetings.

The new #GrahamCassidyBill will give Seniors all kinds of choices, such as "open-casket", "closed-casket" or "cremation." - Tea Pain

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

It's tempting to just blame Donald J. Trump for retweeting animation depicting him committing violence against a woman, but there's something deeply wrong with a country that allows a person who does that to remain in office. - Andy Borowitz

Line The Walls With Lead!
The United States is considering closing its embassy in Havana in response to an alleged sonic attack on U.S. personnel in Cuba, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said on Sunday.

Republican Shenanigans

Not only should cannabis be legalized, it should also be forcibly administered to Congress. -John Fugelsang

Mueller Paranoia Growing In White House
Officials working in the White House are reportedly worried that colleagues may be wearing wires for special counsel Robert Mueller.
Mueller's probe into possible connections between President Trump's campaign and Russian election meddling has caused rising tensions between White House Counsel Don McGahn and Ty Cobb, a lawyer who joined the administration to handle the Mueller probe

WH staffers fear colleagues are wearing a wire for Mueller. Trump volunteered to personally frisk all female employees… starting with Ivanka.- Chelsea Handler

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Donald Trump boasting that he got Obama to show a birth certificate makes him the 1st man in history to brag that someone proved he's a liar. - John Fugelsang

Rock The Voter News

The Supreme Court ruled in the Hobby Lobby case that religious preferences don't necessarily have to follow laws. Your move, Rastafarians. - John Fugelsang

Trump Son-In-Law Under Investigation By The House And Senate
Investigators at the House and Senate Intelligence committees and the Justice Department are examining whether the Trump campaign’s digital operation – overseen by Jared Kushner – helped guide Russia’s sophisticated voter targeting and fake news attacks on Hillary Clinton in 2016.

Trump supporters were really angry today that it looks like he was making deals with the Democrats and abandoning the border wall. They said that Trump never betrays anyone. Aside from Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci, Reince Priebus, Steve Bannon, his two ex-wives, and that one daughter he never talks about. Aside from that, he never betrays anybody. - James Corden

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Business/Tech News

Voyager 1 left the solar system 3 years ago this week and still gets a better signal than an iPhone in my apartment.- John Fugelsang

Oh, Great, More $ Spent To Blow Up Stuff
U.S. defense contractor Northrop Grumman Corp (NOC.N) said on Monday it would buy Orbital ATK Inc (OA.N) for about $7.8 billion in a deal that gives it greater access to lucrative government contracts and expands its arsenal of missile defense systems and space rockets.

At home alone, no one here but me and Amazon Alexa. Says she doesn't want to talk. - Conan O'Brien

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Friday, September 15, 2017

I'm still with her

Clinton: Trump poses 'clear and president danger' to US
..."I'm hoping that on the really big issues there's enough authority to be able to restrain and contain the president. That's what we all have to hope because I think this president and some of the people around him pose a clear and present danger to our country," Clinton told MSNBC's Rachel Maddow.

Hillary Clinton could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and do nothing, and they would say she shot somebody. - Randi Mayem Singer

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

In response to the sanctions, North Korea threatened to cause the United States "the greatest pain and suffering it has gone through in its entire history." I hate to break it to you, we already kind of did that to ourselves back in November. - Jimmy Kimmel

Trump Bans Russian Software Company
Eugene Kaspersky has denied that the cyber-security firm he founded is close to the Russian government and insists it poses no danger to its American customers.
Mr Kaspersky told the BBC that the Trump administration's move to ban government agencies from using his products was an "uncomfortable situation". The US has said it is concerned that Kaspersky is vulnerable to influence from the Kremlin.

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said today that "President Trump has done more for bipartisanship in the past eight days than President Obama did in eight years." Catch more of Sarah's comedy in her new Netflix special,"Chucklebee." - Seth Myers

Republican Shenanigans

Lobbyists now can make anonymous donations to the legal defense funds of WH officials? What could be swampier? - David Axelrod

Obviously, Trump Has Never Watched Hurricane Coverage Until Irma
President Trump said on Thursday that he did not know hurricanes could be rated as high as a Category 5 after his visit to Florida, which is reeling from Hurricane Irma's devastation.
"I never even knew a category five existed," the president told reporters at the White House.

Florida Had The Chance To Protect Nursing Homes And Didn't
In the aftermath of 2005’s destructive Hurricane Wilma, Florida lawmakers approved laws to protect motorists at risk of getting stranded on the interstate, and residents of new high-rises who can’t climb stairs.
Proposed at the same time: a bill that would have required some nursing homes to have generators to protect frail elders from the ravages of heat and dehydration.
The bill died.

The White House announced today that President Trump will sign a resolution passed by Congress that condemns white supremacists. Oh, I can see it now, "Okay, Donald J. Trunch. What? I signed it, I signed it." - Seth Myers

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BREAKING: In Stunning New Deal with Democrats, Trump Agrees to be Impeached. - Andy Borowitz

Rock The Voter News

Let's see any one of us go through a 25-year scorched-earth smear campaign and see if we come through it with 1/10th of the grace of Hillary. - Jeff Tiedrich

Florida Governor Won't Delay Election
Gov. Rick Scott has rejected a Democratic Party of Florida request to postpone for two weeks the Sept. 26 special election in Senate District 40, saying Miami-Dade County officials are ready to move forward with early voting on Saturday despite the disruption from the storm.

Donald Trump tweeted urging Congress to pass his tax reform plan. Here's what he wrote. He wrote, "With Irma and Harvey devastation, tax cuts and tax reform is needed more than ever before. Go Congress, go!" Go Congress! Who does he think he's talking to? They are senators, not Forrest Gump. - James Corden

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I commend Trump for making it very clear how he feels about Charlottesville & how unfairly we treated our nation's patriotic Nazis & racists. - Carl Reiner

Business/Tech News

Imagine if Trump denounced the attempted lynching of a biracial child by white teens in New Hampshire as vehemently as he denounced ESPN. - OhNoSheTwitnt

Hurricane Harvey Affected US Retail Sales
U.S. retail sales unexpectedly fell in August and industrial output recorded its biggest drop since 2009 as Hurricane Harvey disrupted activity, suggesting the storm could dent economic growth in the third quarter.

Remember how enthralling and distracting it could be to play with a bubble machine on a lazy summer’s day? Can we get Trump one of those? - Conan O'Brien

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Thursday, September 14, 2017

FBI reveals broader use of grand jury subpoenas in Clinton email probe

FBI reveals broader use of grand jury subpoenas in Clinton email probe
The FBI revealed Wednesday that it used grand jury subpoenas more broadly than previously known in the course of the investigation into former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s private email account and server.

So, even with broader subpoena power, the FBI got bupkis on Hillary.

Shkreli is in jail, Flynn is headed there, and Trump's team is being investigated...
And Hillary is on a book tour
That's Poetic Justice. - Tony Posnanski‏

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

"You may not be able to change the world, but at least you can embarrass the guilty." - Jessica Mitford

This Is So Disturbing. What Is Going On In Cuba?
The blaring, grinding noise jolted the American diplomat from his bed in a Havana hotel. He moved just a few feet, and there was silence. He climbed back into bed. Inexplicably, the agonizing sound hit him again. It was as if he’d walked through some invisible wall cutting straight through his room.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: "It is offensive and unfair to call Donald Trump a white supremacist. No one has done more than he has to prove that white people are not superior." - Andy Borowitz

Albert Einstein and his daughter become citizens of the United States rather than return to Germany under Hitler. October 1, 1940

Republican Shenanigans

I see that Eric Trump and his wife just had a baby boy. Now, some people might think a kid born into the Trump family is being born onto third base in life. But I disagree. Imagine: his father is Eric Trump; his uncle and aunt are Don Jr. and Ivanka; his grandfather is Donald Trump and his great-grandfather was Fred Trump. That’s not being born on third base; it’s more like being born at home plate with three balls and two strikes against you.
Of course, when President Trump reads this he will exclaim, “My grandson has three balls? Way to go, kid! What a guy; I envy him!” - Rick Wise

Parental Guidance With Guns?
The father of a teenage school shooter in Washington state bought guns for him, according to a police report....According to a police report obtained by Melissa Luck of KXLY 4 News, Sharpe was having suicidal thoughts and brought guns to school to try to “teach everyone a lesson” about bullying. He said he didn’t target anyone specifically.

Listening to Donald Trump is like putting your head through a spin cycle. Without any detergent. - Chelsea Handler

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My favorite Bible story is the one where Jesus drives all the gay cakes out of the temple. - John Fugelsang

Rock The Voter News

Office of Government Ethics: YOU Can't Follow The Money!
In a reversal of internal policy, the Office of Government Ethics says funds benefiting aides caught up in Russia probes may accept anonymous gifts from lobbyists

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Business/Tech News

President Trump will reportedly visit China in November. "Oh, can you pick up my handbags?" asked Ivanka.- Seth Myers

Hurricane Irma Destroyed Orange Crops
For some Florida orange growers, Hurricane Irma did more than destroy crops. It wiped out the best growing season in ten years.
This was supposed to be a comeback year for the citrus industry, which has suffered years of declining production.

'Dasani' is Italian for 'Coke Just Sold You Tap Water.' - John Fugelsang

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Monday, September 18, 2017

Republican's Make Last Ditch Effort To Punch Obama

Friday, September 15, 2017

I'm still with her

Thursday, September 14, 2017

FBI reveals broader use of grand jury subpoenas in Clinton email probe

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