All Hat No Cattle

Friday, February 3, 2017

Say Goodbye To Your Life Savings. Again.

Trump Moves to Roll Back Obama-Era Financial Regulations
President Trump moved to roll back the Obama administration’s legacy on financial regulation on Friday, announcing an array of steps to undo rules enacted to prevent a repeat of the 2008 financial crisis and turning to the Wall Street titans he had demonized during his campaign for advice.

Former President Obama was spotted on vacation in the Virgin Islands yesterday, wearing a backwards baseball cap and flip-flops, and completely ignoring the Bat Signal.- Seth Myers

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

World leaders receive crank calls from someone claiming to be president of the United States. - Andy Borowitz

Meanwhile, Russia Continues Hacking Away
Norway's security service says nine email accounts - including those belonging to the Labour party, the foreign ministry and defense ministry - have been targeted by hackers believed to be the same Russia-linked group blamed for breaking into ..

Guys, it is the first day of February. Which of course is the shortest month, with just 28 days — as opposed to January, which felt like it had 200. - Jimmy Fallon

Trump Created 100,000 Enemies
At least 100,000 visas have been revoked in a single week in response to President Trump's executive immigration order, a lawyer for the Justice Department revealed in court Friday.

Republican Shenanigans

Kellyanne Tells Another Whopper
President Donald Trump’s counselor, Kellyanne Conway, has come under fire after blaming two Iraqi refugees for the so-called Bowling Green Massacre, which never actually happened.
Kellyanne Conway's invention of an imaginary massacre in Bowling Green single-handedly created two million fact-checking jobs, the Labor Department reports.

White House women have to #DressLikeAWoman but bloated Nazi Steve Bannon gets to walk around looking like he slept in a drainage ditch. - Jeff Tiedrich

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If Michelle Obama had insisted on living inside a golden tower at taxpayer expense white people would have burned this country to the ground. - Jason Miller

Rock The Voter News

Hillary Clinton is reportedly writing a book of personal essays due to be released this fall. It will be the first political memoir written entirely in all caps.- Seth Myers

Nancy Pelosi Nails Steve Bannon To A White Cross
House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi called President Donald Trump's chief strategist a white supremacist Thursday, saying he has no ...

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One day after Tillerson's approval, House is gutting an anti-corruption rule requiring oil companies to disclose payments to foreign govts! - Sen. Tim Kaine

Biz/Tech News

Please pray for Ivanka Trump, marketed as the “nice” Trump shameless grifter. Neiman Marcus is also dropping items she pretends to design. Mrs. Betty Bowers

Thank Gawd! Finally, US Oil, Gas And Mining Companies Can Deal In Secret!
The Senate Friday gave its thumbs up to a resolution to nullify a SEC rule requiring oil, gas and mining companies to reveal their payments to foreign governments.
It was the second time this week lawmakers sent President Donald Trump a Congressional Review Act resolution undoing an Obama administration regulation. He is expected to sign it.

Today, a top football prospect for Michigan State was unable to sign his letter of intent because he’s in jail. Sounds like somebody’s ready for the NFL! - Conan O'Brien

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All Hat No Cattle "Terrified Of Trump" Fundraiser

The tiny handed terrorist returns.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Crocodile Dundee Gives Trump A Trim

Trump had heated exchange with Australian PM, talked 'tough hombres' with Mexican leader
Donald Trump's roller coaster ride toward diplomacy continued late Wednesday night with a tweet calling an Obama-era agreement with Australia to accept refugees a "dumb deal."

Raise your hand if you think the email lady would have threatened war with Mexico and hung up on Australia ten days into her presidency. - Jeff Tiedrich

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

If you're still trying to convince yourself that a 21st century coup is not underway, please, please snap out of it. - Michael Moore

Trump Threatens Berkeley
President Trump threatened Thursday to withhold federal funds from University of California at Berkeley for canceling a speech by Breitbart editor Milo Yiannopoulos after violence broke out.

Reports of Trump hanging up on the Australian Prime Minister make me wonder how Melania's anti-bullying campaign is going.- Andy Borowitz

Republican Shenanigans

Every new thing Trump does makes me think his penis must be even smaller than I previously thought.- Andy Borowitz

So, Who Is Going To Check Foreign Visitor's Social Media Pages? The TSA?
President Donald Trump’s chief strategist, Steve Bannon, appears to be consolidating power within the White House — and his machinations are alarming former officials who have worked there.
The former Breitbart News chief and Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner have set up an internal think tank called the Strategic Initiatives Group that’s reportedly behind a proposal to force overseas visitors to reveal their social media contacts before entering the U.S.

The only reason anyone has to "play The Race Card" is 400 years of an extremely stacked deck. - John Fugelsang

Republicans Threaten Fellow Republican
A Republican lawmaker in deep-blue Hawaii is considering switching parties to become a Democrat after she was pressured to give up her leadership role for criticizing President Donald Trump.

So glad that Donald J. Trump is finally standing up to America's longtime arch-enemies, Mexico and Australia. - Andy Borowitz

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Rock The Voter News

I'd like to remind the rest of the world that more than half of you still haven't been threatened or insulted by our new POTUS so calm down. - John Fugelsang

Twitter Must Feel Guilty Not Shutting Down Trump's Account
Twitter will donate $1.59 million to the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) in response to President Trump’s immigration order.

Jeff Sessions is so dangerous that a Republican-controlled Senate rejected his nomination to a federal judgeship 30 years ago. - Elizabeth Warren

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Trump and his mother obviously used the same hair stylist.

Biz/Tech News

I understand Trump is now calling for a wall with Australia. - John Aravosis

Trump Tax Plans To Raise Costs For Everyone
Wal-Mart shoppers aren't the only ones who could suffer under a tax plan that President Donald Trump is warming up to -- U.S. investors who trade on the London Stock Exchange, the Deutsche Boerse and Euronext might also take a hit.

Thirty-one pounds of cocaine have been found hidden in the nose of an American Airlines jet. Authorities became suspicious when the plane flew from Miami to New York in 16 minutes. - Conan O'Brien

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All Hat No Cattle "I'M TERRIFIED OF TRUMP" Fundraiser

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Trump vs CNN escalates

White House ices out CNN
The White House has refused to send its spokespeople or surrogates onto CNN shows, effectively icing out the network from on-air administration voices.

The new official language of the United States is Bullsh*t.- Jon Stewart

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

“Sally Yates was hatching a covert plot to require my actions to be in accordance with the Constitution,” Donald J. Trump said. “We caught her red-handed.” - Andy Borowitz

Retired General Warns Of Doom
Retired Gen. David Petraeus warned lawmakers on Wednesday that the world order created in part by the United States in the 20th century is under “unprecedented threat from multiple directions,” pointing to Russia, China, Islamist extremists and cyber threats.

FACTCHECK: Donald J. Trump claimed that only 109 people were denied entry under the Muslim ban. In reality, 721 were denied entry. 109 is the number of impeachable offenses Trump has committed so far. #actualfact - Andy Borowitz

Republican Shenanigans

People who wanna do nothing about a gun culture that killed 280k in last 10yrs demand we do something about refugees who've killed 0 in last 10yrs.- John Fugelsang

Supreme Court appointments give us the chance to pause and reflect on how progressives who don't vote or vote 3rd party are a**holes. - Frank Conniff

It Costs A Million Dollars A Day To Protect The NYC Trump Tower. Move To DC Melania, They Have Great Private Schools.
First lady Melania Trump may not move to the White House at any point, Us Weekly reported Wednesday.
"They will reevaluate toward the end of the school year if they will keep this arrangement or if Melania and Barron will move to Washington," a family insider told the publication.

Why aren't Melania and her son thrilled to be living in the White House? Something smells.

Centers for Disease Control Unable to Stop Spread of Steve Bannon. - Andy Borowitz

UnChristlike Christian To Destroy Our Colleges And Universities
Jerry Falwell Jr., an evangelical leader and president of Liberty University, has accepted a role leading the Trump administration's higher education task force, the Chronicle on Higher Education and NBC News reported Tuesday night.
Falwell told the Chronicle that in the role, he will target "overreaching regulation" of colleges and universities, like rules on accreditation.

Trump's Education Secretary pick Betsy DeVos is crucial to Republicans' hopes of keeping America stupid. - Andy Borowitz

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Rock The Voter News

Donald J. Trump's Supreme Court nominee Gorsuch, an opponent of abortion and supporter of guns, manages the neat trick of being both pro-life and pro-death. - Andy Borowitz

Hillary Is Busy As Usual
Hillary Clinton has a lot of plans for 2017, including some reflections on her stunning loss to Donald Trump.
The former secretary of state, senator and first lady is working on a collection of personal essays that will touch on the 2016 presidential campaign...

Breaking: White House announces Black History Month will now just be called "History Month" stating "Lots of other people have history too." - OhNoSheTwitnt

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Biz/Tech News

Begone EPA. Begone!
A House Republican is working on legislation that if passed would completely abolish the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA).

My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.- John Fugelsang

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All Hat No Cattle "Terrified Of Trump" Fundraiser

Friday, February 3, 2017

Say Goodbye To Your Life Savings. Again.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Crocodile Dundee Gives Trump A Trim

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Trump vs CNN escalates

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