Stephen Colbert Singles Out ‘Coward’ GOP Senators Who Did Not Watch Capitol Footage

Stephen Colbert Singles Out ‘Coward’ GOP Senators Who Did Not Watch Capitol Footage: ‘See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Makes You Seem Really Evil’

Stephen Colbert singled out the Republican Senators who reportedly looked away while House Democrats presented a stunning video montage of footage from the Jan. 6 Capitol attack, quipping that, “See no evil, hear no evil, makes you seem really evil.”

Trump Replaces Legal Team with Eric and Don, Jr. - Andy Borowitz

 

The World Is A Safer Place Without Republicans

• Impeachment managers directly blame ‘inciter-in-chief' Trump for Capitol attack
• Tapper Says Video Evidence Won’t Matter in Impeachment: If Pence Was Killed, ‘I Honestly Don’t Think Anything Would Be Different’
• MI Sen. Majority Leader Apologizes After Video Shows Him Lying About Capitol Insurrection as 'Hoax' That 'Wasn't Trump People'

Trump’s Lawyers Stun Senate by Claiming Jared Made Him Do It. - Andy Borowitz

 

Another Trump Insurrectionist Turns On Trump
One of the Proud Boys arrested for participating in the Jan. 6 insurrection at the Capitol told a court Wednesday that he was duped by President Donald Trump's "deception" and "acted out of the delusional belief" that he was responding patriotically to the commander in chief.

I love the fact that, while this trial is going on, trump is being eviscerated and he can't tweet about it.

Can't even Pinterest about it.  - Brooklyn Dad tweet

 

Republican Shenanigans

• GOP Favorability Slides as Republican Support For the Party Nosedives 12 Points
• GOP senator flips on impeachment trial, rips Trump lawyers
• GOP Senators Pan Trump Defense's 'Pretty Rocky' Opening Arguments: 'Just Rambled On and On'
• Trump Lawyer David Schoen Ignites Online Fury After He Spews Vitriol and Threatens Senate With Allusion to the Civil War
• Trump lawyer on criticism of his performance: 'Only one person's opinion matters'
• Did Mike Lee Really Say Trump Deserves a 'Mulligan?'
• In Lawsuit Against MSNBC Anchor, Lin Wood Claims He Has Evidence Mike Pence Is a ‘Traitor’ and Will Provide It If Necessary
• Trump supporter arrested after threatening Mitch McConnell’s grandkids on Parler
• Meghan McCain fires back after 'View' fan criticizes her hair extensions

 

Trump’s lawyers remind me of me in middle school when I hadn’t done the reading. - Andy Borowitz

 

Gov. Kristi Noem of South Dakota Throws Out The Will of the Voters

A South Dakota judge overturned a voter-approved constitutional amendment to legalize marijuana on Monday.

Amendment A would have legalized marijuana for recreational use and was approved by over 54 percent of South Dakota voters last November. Republican Governor Kristi Noem, a close ally of former President Donald Trump, opposed the legalization effort and moved to reject the amendment after it passed, arguing that it should be overturned on technical grounds.

Circuit Judge Christina Klinger, who was appointed by Noem in 2019, agreed with the governor and invalidated the amendment late Monday afternoon.

I like that the only way to currently see Trump's tweets is to watch them being used against him in a trial. - John Fugelsang

 

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Trump Attorneys Argue He Spoke Metaphorically Of Ripping Chamber Doors Off Hinges, Crushing Pelosi’s Skull. - The Onion

Rock The Voter News

• Biden to meet with bipartisan mayors, governors on COVID-19 relief
• ‘I Mean, I Was Right’: Rashida Tlaib Fires Back After Trump’s Legal Team Airs Her 2019 ‘Impeach the Motherf*cker’ Comment
• Andrew Yang Leads All Democratic Contenders in NYC Mayor Race by Double Digits
• Hawaii bill would install historical markers at 'significant sites' in Obama's life

Majority of Americans Say This Is Their Favorite Impeachment of Trump. - Andy Borowitz

Sane Politicians Would Be Concerned About Losing Voters

Over 33,000 registered voters left the California Republican Party in January, a stunning number underscoring the diminishing sway of the GOP in the Golden State.

Statistics from the California secretary of state’s office reported first by The New York Times show the exodus from the California GOP, which appears to have accelerated after the Jan. 6 riot on Capitol Hill. Just over a thousand voters left the GOP on Jan. 5, while 3,243 left on Jan. 7.

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We’re finally saying “Merry Impeachment” again! - Stephen Colbert

Business/Tech News

• QAnon followers invade Amazon's video game app
• Twitter CFO Says Trump Ban is Permanent — Even if He Wins the Presidency in 2024
• Dogecoin spikes after Elon Musk says he bought some for his infant son
• Walmart, Sam's Club pharmacies to begin COVID-19 vaccines Friday

Twitter has been more effective at punishing Trump than Senate Republicans. - The Lincoln Project

 

Surprise, Surprise! Few People Want To Travel During A Pandemic. Finally!
Only 16 percent of Americans say they have a future vacation on the books as people are still hesitant to travel during the coronavirus pandemic, according to a Harris Poll survey released on Wednesday.

Today in COVID history:

“A lot of people think that goes away in April with the heat … We’re in great shape, though.”

— Trump on February 10, 2020

 

 

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Odd News

• US Coast Guard rescues three Cubans stranded on desert island for 33 days
• 'I'm not a cat': Video shows lawyer can't turn off kitten filter during Zoom court appearance
• Ancient shell horn can still play a tune after 18,000 years
• 'White tiger' reported on Maryland highway was a 'lifelike figurine'
• Kidnapped Louisiana 10-year-old girl rescued thanks to 2 sanitation workers

Time To Deflate Photo

Boat-billed Heron. It looks as though its bite would hurt.

Peace.

Majority says they favor conviction as Trump impeachment trial begins: poll

Majority says they favor conviction as Trump impeachment trial begins: poll

A majority of Americans favor convicting former President Trump in his second impeachment trial this week, according to a CBS-YouGov poll released Tuesday.

Seriously, why the f*ck are co-conspirators Josh Hawley and Ted Cruz allowed be jurors in the trial of their mobster overlord? asking for 81 million friends. - Jeff Tiedrich

 

The World Is A Safer Place Without Republicans

• Jawdropping Video of Capitol Riots to Open Trump Trial Sets Off Shockwaves: 'What a Stain on Our Nation'
• Trump tweeted angrily about Mike Pence while the vice president was trapped and under siege at the Capitol.
• Trump's DC hotel is hiking prices for March 4 - the day QAnon followers think the former president will be sworn in
• Sec of State Blinken Says Capitol Riots Hurt US' Ability to Speak With a 'Strong Voice for Democracy'
• QAnon Shaman's Lawyer Calls Out Trump 'Propaganda' in Inciting Capitol Riot: Millions of Americans 'Did Hang on Every Word of Their President'
• 'Because President Trump said to': Over a dozen Capitol rioters say they were following Trump's guidance
• Babies and children deported to Haiti in apparent defiance of Biden order: report

Biden’s Coronavirus Plan Calls for Americans to Stay Home and Watch Impeachment. - Andy Borowitz

 

Hacker Tried To Poison Florida City's Water. Russia or Q?

A hacker gained access into the water treatment system of Oldsmar, Florida, on Friday and tried to increase the levels of sodium hydroxide -- commonly referred to as lye -- in the city's water, officials said, putting thousands at risk of being poisoned.

The incident took place Friday when an operator noticed the intrusion and watched the hacker access the system remotely. The hacker adjusted the level of sodium hydroxide to more than 100 times its normal levels, according to Pinellas County Sheriff Bob Gualtieri.

The operator immediately reduced the level back. 

GOP Senators Argue It’s Unconstitutional To Be Forced To Work On A Tuesday. - The Onion

Republican Shenanigans

• Dominion says it hired private investigators in a bid to reach pro-Trump lawyer Sidney Powell
• Alan Dershowitz Reportedly Lobbied Trump Admin Over Clemency for Fmr Campaign Adviser Convicted of Child Porn, Sex Trafficking
• Melania Trump’s ex-aide hints at even more tapes, as lawsuit against her memoir dropped by DOJ
• Piers Morgan rips Sarah Palin on election claims: 'People like you' are the GOP's problem
• DeSantis Defends Maskless Super Bowl: 'How the Hell Am I Going to Be Able to Drink a Beer with a Mask?'
• Kevin McCarthy Says Joe Biden Hasn't Called Him, Defends Trip to See Trump Amid Impeachment
• After allowing parents to opt-out of the Black History Month curriculum, a Utah school is switching the decision

Trump’s Lawyers Call for Dismissal of Trial on the Ground That They Will Never Collect Fees. -  Andy Borowitz

Trump Being Investigated By Georgia. ROFLOL.

President Donald Trump’s efforts to overturn the results of the 2020 election in Georgia are now being investigated.

Per the New York Times, the office of Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger is starting an investigation that includes looking at the now-infamous call the former president made to Raffensperger.

Jason Miller claims Trump is happier now that he is off social media.  That makes seven billion of us. - Stephen Colbert

 

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Rock The Voter News

• House Rebuts Trump Defense: He Was ‘Singularly Responsible’ For Inciting Mob
• Biden administration to begin shipping vaccines to health centers
• Biden's Justice Department to ask nearly all Trump-era U.S. attorneys to resign
• Democratic lawmakers push FDA to lift restrictions on abortion pill

Giuliani to Be First Guest of Lou Dobbs Total Landscaping. - Andy Borowitz

South Dakota Republican Intent On Killing More South Dakotans
A state representative in South Dakota wants a new law giving the state the power to nullify executive orders from the Biden administration it deems unconstitutional, heightening the chances of a conflict with the White House in a state that has already vowed not to enforce any potential federal mask mandate.

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Republicans had no problems stealing 2 Supreme Court seats, trying to overturn election for 2 months, introducing 165 new voter suppression laws in 33 states, but holding ex-president accountable for inciting violent coup is a bridge too far. - Ari Berman

Business/Tech News

• Tesla's investment in China is paying off — its sales more than doubled last year
• Eli Lilly says CFO resigns after 'inappropriate communication' with staff
• Fox News Moves to Dismiss Smartmatic’s $2.7B Lawsuit: Our Network ‘Did Exactly What the First Amendment Protects’
• Alcohol abuse rises amid pandemic, with hospitals in SoCal and elsewhere reporting wave of deadly liver disease

Trump's Next Court Appearance: 

The Food Court

New York Is Accelerating The Investigation of Trump. RUN, DONALD, RUN!!!
As former U.S. President Donald Trump goes to trial this week in the Senate on charges of inciting the Jan. 6 Capitol insurrection, criminal and civil investigations into his businesses are accelerating in New York.

Imagining Trump yelling at the TV in Florida right now. - Schooley tweet

 

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Odd News

• Video shows truck plunge 70 feet off Wisconsin ramp. The driver survived.
• Want to be an astronaut? The European Space Agency is hiring for the first time in 11 years
• Chicago man freezes pants to reserve parking spots
• Lost wallet found inside Georgia cottage wall 66 years later
• 'Skinniest house in London' listed for $1.3 million
• Mississippi city offering remote workers $6,000 to relocate

Time To Deflate Photo

Some of the first park rangers in America weren’t rangers at all. Known as the Buffalo Soldiers, roughly 500 African American men were assigned by the U.S. Army to protect national parks in the west before the National Park Service was created. The wildlife you see today in parks like Yellowstone National Park is in part due to their efforts to fight against poaching. Text and photo from the Department of the Interior.

Peace.

Trump Hiding Behind His Own Political Theater

Read: Former President Donald Trump's defense team's legal brief

In a pretrial brief ahead of former President Donald Trump's impeachment trial in the Senate, Trump's legal team accused House Democrats of engaging in "political theater" and argued that the upcoming trial is unconstitutional because Trump is no longer president.

Trump should represent himself at his trial like only sane and innocent people do. - Conan O'Brien

 

The World Is A Safer Place Without Republicans

• Wild maskless Super Bowl celebrations in Covid variant hotspot spark superspreader fears
• CNN Reporter Aghast at Maskless, Drunk Super Bowl Crowds in Tampa: I Asked the Police, ‘What Are You Doing About This?’
• Rep. Ron Wright dies after contracting COVID-19
• Liz Cheney Raises Question of Whether Trump Attacking Pence During Riots Was ‘Premeditated Effort to Provoke Violence’
• Biden administration suspends Trump asylum deals with El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras

Ivanka Says She Should Be Allowed To Continue Reading Intelligence Briefings To Her Dad. - Andy Borowitz

 

Trump Is Going To Be In Court The Rest Of His Life.
An Illinois judge has ruled that the Trump International Hotel and Tower in Chicago is liable for violating two state environmental laws by sucking up millions of gallons of water daily from the Chicago River without a valid permit...Total fines for the violations could be as much as $12 million.

I was not prepared for how many people are willing to let others die rather than suffer even a moment's inconvenience. - Joseph Brassey tweet

 

Republican Shenanigans

• Breaking with the GOP, a top conservative lawyer says Trump can be tried for high crimes and misdemeanors
• RedState Retracts ‘Contest’ Telling Readers to Go ‘RINO Hunting'
• Fox News cancels Lou Dobbs' show; pro-Trump host not expected to be back on air
• Lou Dobbs Retweets Praise from Trump, Swipes at Fox News After Network Cancels Show
• Fox's Kilmeade Fumes Over Biden's Handling of School Reopening: 'Can You Imagine That? Your School Policy Is Teachers First?'
• Impeachment Managers Afraid of Implicating GOPers Who Enabled Trump's Lies About Election Fraud: Report
• Former Overstock CEO Claims Fellow Trump Ally Rudy Giuliani Was 'Sh*t-Faced' Almost Every Night
• Republican governor thinks Joe Biden is ‘pushing children’ to be trans. Seriously
• Kevin McCarthy Reportedly Tried to Get Liz Cheney to Apologize After Trump Impeachment Vote
• Texas pastors under fire for referring to Kamala Harris as racist trope

Lou Dobbs Launches New Venture of Standing On Sidewalk Shouting At People. - Andy Borowitz

 

Geez Louise

A former Republican Senate staffer has been arrested and faces child pornography charges in Washington, D.C. 

Federal authorities arrested Ruben Verastigui, 27, on Friday and have accused him of receiving and possessing child pornography between April and this month

The Republicans know that if Trump is convicted, it will open the door to their convictions.

You can’t punish the King without punishing his court.

They are protecting themselves, not America. - Woman in the Moon tweet

 

 

Want unity? Convict the leader who divides us. - The Lincoln Project

 

 

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"I hate America, 

I honor treason 

& I like being racially insensitive"

...is just too wordy for a bumper sticker; 

that's why we have confederate flag decals. - John Fugelsang

 

Rock The Voter News

• Democrats to unveil $3,000 direct cash payments to families with children
• Joe Biden calls women out of work, kids out of school a 'national emergency' in interview
• Pressly describes Capitol siege image that haunts her
• President Joe Biden Comments on Lack of Black NFL Coaches During Super Bowl: ‘I Don't Understand'

Republicans Blast Biden’s Divisive Position That People Should Have Food. - Andy Borowitz

 

The Next Episode of the Stormy Daniels Telenovela Brought To You by Michael Cohen

When he was Donald Trump’s attorney, Michael Cohen was hellbent on silencing Stormy Daniels, even arranging a hush-money payment to the porn actress that landed him in federal prison.

Now, as one of many of the former president's insiders-turned-critics, Cohen is literally broadcasting Daniels' story — including intimate new details of her alleged sexual encounter with Trump — in a discussion ranging from shame and scandal to a haunted house in New Orleans.

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Business/Tech News

• Yellen: Biden stimulus plan 'up to the job' of addressing pandemic challenges
• Four Seasons Total Landscaping Gets Lampooned in Hilarious Super Bowl Ad
• Twitter explores subscriptions to reduce its dependence on ads
• Tesla buys $1.5 billion in bitcoin, sending its price soaring

Trump should not receive intelligence reports unless he is banned from eBay. - Andy Borowitz

 

Surprise. Surprise. Reagan's Trickle Down Economics Was All A Ploy By The GOP.

Tax cuts for the wealthy have long drawn support from conservative lawmakers and economists who argue that such measures will "trickle down" and eventually boost jobs and incomes for everyone else. But a new study from the London School of Economics says 50 years of such tax cuts have only helped one group — the rich.

Before anyone gives Tom Brady a trophy, don’t forget that the Chiefs have the right to exhaust every legal avenue to challenge the result. It would be irresponsible to congratulate the Buccaneers so early. Many many fans are upset. Wouldn’t want them to lose trust. - Abraham Gutman

 

I love football but I thought this meme was hysterical!

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Odd News

• British boy wakes from nearly year-long coma
• 'Under A White Sky' Examines What It Might Take For Humans To Continue To Exist
• Wallet lost in Antarctica in ’60s returned to California man
• Lottery ticket worth $1.2M spent 3 months in oblivious winner's drawer
• Man runs barefoot half marathon in the snow to break Guinness record

Time To Deflate Photo

An ear trumpet from 1820 England. How do you turn it on, asked a millennial. 

Peace.