All Hat No Cattle

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Happy Super Tuesday

Super Tuesday heralds an epic Democratic Party clash
It’s Bernie’s revolutionary zeal pit against Biden’s calls for restoration.

Democrats are throwing their support to a Democrat. This is an outrage. - Kona Lowell

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands. - Dan Rather

At Least It's Not The Andromeda Strain
Up to a million people could be tested for coronavirus by the end of week, the FDA said Monday, as cases across the US rose to more than 100 and health officials warned that the number will keep climbing.
Cases of the virus have now been reported in 12 states -- the majority of them in California and Washington state, where six people have died.
About a quarter of the current cases were likely transmitted through US communities, officials have said, meaning they were not travel-related.

I was at a hospital where there were a few #coronavirus patients and I shook hands with everybody. - Boris Johnson, Prime Minister of the UK

REPORT: Outbreak of idiocy spreading 10,000 times faster than the coronavirus. - TheBeaverton.com

Republican Shenanigans

NEW: Right now there is a caravan of Hunter Bidens forming on the Mexico/US Border.

Developing. - YS tweet

The Biden Bounce
Late-breaking polls of Super Tuesday states show former Vice President Joe Biden making big gains following his decisive victory in South Carolina and a flood of endorsements from former rivals eager to stop Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.).

Whether you choose to accept it or not, America is now a effectively a fascist dictatorship. The American voters are the Allied Forces ready to storm the beaches of our electoral Normandy and take our country back from a despotic, white nationalist regime. - Tea Pain

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Trump is the third president to be impeached and the first president who, after being impeached, doesn’t know how impeachment works. - Windsor Mann tweet

Rock The Voter News

President Trump has sent more tweets in 2020 about "Mini Mike" (44) than Coronavirus (33), and that includes retweets. - Tamara Keith, NPR

I Have Always Called This Show: SPITBALL
In light of Chris Matthews’ sudden retirement announcement from his longtime MSNBC’s program Hardball, Twitter responded with admiration and criticism for the host.
Matthews, who made an abrupt retirement announcement Monday night on the network stating, “After conversations with MSNBC, I decided tonight would be my last Hardball.”

All I want from these coronavirus updates is some reassurance that all the rich people are going to be OK. - Rex Huppke

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Business/Tech News

A lot of cheap flights right now, and part of me thinks, if im going to get the coronavirus, I might as well get it in a deeply discounted 5 star hotel in Venice. - Ben Dreyfus

Federal Reserve Announces Cut: Stock Market Drops Like A Rock
The Federal Reserve announced today that it is cutting interest rates by half a percentage point, an emergency move designed to bolster the U.S. economy amid risks posed by the coronavirus outbreak.
"The fundamentals of the U.S. economy remain strong," the Fed's rate-setting committee said in a statement on the cut, which is twice the size of the central bank's typical rate moves, signaling a strong desire to reassure markets. "However, the coronavirus poses evolving risks to economic activity."

I think my uber driver has colognavirus. - Blaine Capatch

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I'd Rather You Laugh Than Cry

Monday, March 2, 2020

Amy Klobuchar will end 2020 presidential campaign and endorse Joe Biden

Amy Klobuchar will end 2020 presidential campaign and endorse Joe Biden
Sen. Amy Klobuchar will end her presidential bid on Monday and endorse Joe Biden, a campaign aide tells CNN.
The Klobuchar campaign confirmed that the senator is flying to Dallas to join the former vice president at his rally, where she will suspend her campaign and give her endorsement on the eve of Super Tuesday.

Tulsi Gabbard's Nine Supporters Urge Her To Drop Out Of Race. - Andy Borowitz

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

Kim Jong-Un's Wife Escapes North Korea In Long-Range Missile. - The Onion

Lordy, Texas Closed 750 Polling Stations
Last year, Texas led the US south in an unenviable statistic: closing down the most polling stations, making it more difficult for people to vote and arguably benefiting Republicans.
A report by civil rights group The Leadership Conference Education Fund found that 750 polls had been closed statewide since 2012.

The NRA reminds you all these massacres are due to mentally ill people.
Oh, and mentally ill people have a right to always have easy access to guns.
That too. - John Fugelsang

Bernie responds to the Klobuchar news by saying “the establishment” is getting nervous because “the working class” is coalescing behind him.
Who does he think just voted against him by 30 points in South Carolina.
I guess there are no working class people in SC. - The Hoarse Whisperer

Republican Shenanigans

Hard to believe there was ever a world leader as dumb as Donald Trump. Can’t spell, can’t read, has never managed anything approaching an original thought. His brain is like a radio playing at top volume, but between stations. - Stephen King

Hunt Resumes of Hunter Biden
Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Chairman Ron Johnson (R-Wis.) is planning to force a vote on the first subpoena related to his probe involving Burisma and former Vice President Joe Biden's son, Hunter Biden.

Pence To Be Replaced By Startled Deer. - Andy Borowitz

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The #CDC is warning us not to touch our faces. And if you’re a member of the GOP, I think it best that you shouldn’t touch either of yours. - Bette Midler

Rock The Voter News

I feel bad for Mayor Pete. Based on the age of some of his opponents, he has only ten more chances to run for President over the next forty years. - Frank Conniff

Drive-By Voting: Avoid Coronavirus
Officials in some states with upcoming primaries are encouraging more people to avoid in-person polling sites amid heightened worries about the spread of coronavirus in the United States. Some are even increasing the opportunity for drive-by voting on Super Tuesday.

Imagine arguing before the Supreme Court that people should lose health care this week. - Schooley tweet

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Business/Tech News

Republicans Projected To Pick Up Seventy Seats In Prison. - Andy Borowitz

Will Twitter Be Forced To Take Conservative View?
A massive private equity firm has taken on a large stake in Twitter with a clear goal reportedly in mind: kicking company CEO Jack Dorsey to the curb.
Bloomberg late on Friday was the first to report that Elliott Management Corp. acquired a "sizable" amount of Twitter shares in order to push for changes in the firm.

A large field with moderates splitting the vote was Bernie’s dream race.

A small field with Warren splitting his support is Bernie’s nightmare scenario.

This entire race flipped upside down in three days. - The Hoarse Whisperer

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I'd Rather You Laugh Than Cry

Friday, February 28, 2020

HHS whistleblower claims US workers received coronavirus evacuees without proper precautions

HHS whistleblower claims US workers received coronavirus evacuees without proper precautions
A whistleblower at the Department of Health and Human Services is seeking federal protection after complaining that more than a dozen workers who received the first Americans evacuated from Wuhan, China, lacked proper training or protective gear for coronavirus infection control.

CDC Director Says Coronavirus Effort Could Be Helped By Quarantining Pence. - Andy Borowitz

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

Ideally, you want the President of the United States, the Mayor of Crazytown and the village idiot to be three different people. - Jeff Tiedrich

No Coronavirus Screening At JFK Airport. Feel Safe Now?
With the coronavirus outbreak affecting at least 40 countries, many travelers are concerned about what’s being done to contain the virus.
At JFK Airport, jetlagged passengers typically in a rush to clear immigration are now appalled by a lack of screening, especially compared to procedures in the countries they just left.

Your pandemic crisis team:

— a demented game show host

— the VP who caused an HIV epidemic in his home state

— a day-drunk economic advisor

— the already-overburdened chief of staff because why not

— an actual doctor, but he's not allowed to talk to the media

we're all gonna die. - Jeff Tiedrich

Republican Shenanigans

Trump Holds Emergency Cabinet Meeting to Find Way To Blame This All on Obama. - Andy Borowitz

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things: Dumbass People
38% of Americans wouldn't buy Corona beer "under any circumstances" because of the coronavirus, according to a recent survey.
Just to be abundantly clear: There is no link between the virus and the beer.

The perfect word to describe people who dismiss a killer virus as a hoax is deplorable

She was right about everything. - Roland Scahill

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Donald Trump is battling the coronavirus with people who think science is a fraud, the Earth is flat, and Jesus chased dinosaurs off the edge of the world to make room for Christians. #TrumpVirus - Middle Age Riot

Rock The Voter News

Bloomberg Says If Stock Market Falls Far Enough He Will Quit Race And Just Buy Entire Country. - Andy Borowitz

My My My. The Scent Of Coronavirus Fisticuffs Is In The Air.
Rep. John Garamendi (D-CA) threatened Donald Trump Jr. on MSNBC, Friday, after Trump Jr. insinuated Democrats want people to get sick from the coronavirus...“He shouldn’t be near me when he says that,” Garamendi replied. “There would be a serious altercation.”
“That’s just totally outrageous. I can assure you there’s not a Democrat or Republican in Congress that wants anybody to be sick,” he continued, concluding, “Don Jr. better not get any place close to me. It would not be a healthy situation.”

You couldn't really call Donald Trump a Republican president until he wrecked the economy. - Middle Age Riot

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Business/Tech News

Trump Considering Firing Dow Jones Industrial Average. - Andy Borowitz

Coronavirus & The Stock Market Dive
The rapid rise in coronavirus raised fears of a pandemic on Friday, with six countries reporting their first cases, the World Health Organization warning it could spread worldwide and Switzerland cancelling the giant Geneva car show.
World share markets crashed again, winding up their worst week since the 2008 global financial crisis and bringing the global wipeout to $6 trillion.

You guys know that DHHS head Alex Azar, appointed by Trump to make sure we're all safe in a pandemic, is not a doctor or a scientist or a public health expert, but... a pharmaceutical lobbyist? Right? - Randi Mayem Singer

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I'd Rather You Laugh Than Cry