Trump wants to buy Greenland

Greenland responds to reports Trump talked about buying the territory
The Greenland Ministry of Foreign Affairs responded to reports that President Donald Trump had talked about the possibility of buying the territory.
"Greenland is rich in valuable resources such as minerals, the purest water and ice, fish stocks, seafood, renewable energy and is a new frontier for adventure tourism," the ministry's account tweeted Thursday morning. "We're open for business, not for sale."

Greenland: We’re not for sale. 
America: We are! - Adam Parkhomenko

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam Trump

• Rashida Tlaib says she won't visit West Bank, Israel to see relatives after being treated like "a criminal"
• Conservatives Aren't Buying Tlaib's Israel Trip Narrative: Maybe She 'Doesn't Really Want a Visit With Her Grandmother'
• Iranian tanker US is seeking to detain could leave Gibraltar Friday
• ICE raid separates 4-month-old baby from breastfeeding mom

Trump singles out two Muslim lawmakers for their criticism of Israeli policy while his followers chant "Jews will not replace us!" in our streets. - Tea Pain

Here's  a Woman Without Bone Spurs
A woman who attributes her success to "showing up prepared and working diligently" has become the first female Marine to pilot a F-35B fighter jet.
U.S. Marine Capt. Anneliese Satz, 29, of Boise, Idaho, completed the F-35B Basic Course on June 27, the Marine Corp announced in a press release last week.

Republican Shenanigans

• Iowa GOP Chair: King's comments outrageous, but we will back him if he's the nominee
• Medical examiner rules Jeffrey Epstein's death a suicide, says he hanged himself in his jail cell
• Trump Supporter the President Called Fat Gorges Himself on the Criticism: 'I Love The Guy'
• Trump mocks rally protester: "That guy's got a serious weight problem"
• 'You have no choice but to vote for me,' Trump tells N.H. rally
• Cook Political Report moves Susan Collins Senate race to 'toss up'
• Steve King Tweets Bizarre Rant at Julián Castro About 'Federal Funding to Abort Men's Babies'
• ‘I’m worried’: Allies fear NRA has lost its power in Washington
• Lou Dobbs Plays Deceptively Edited Clip to Blame Protesters for ICE Guard Driving Into Them
• Construction workers prepare to battle former ally Trump
• White woman calls police on black man looking for parking, says he looked 'suspiciously' at her

Trump makes fun of Southern accents and they love him for it. Trump calls one of his supporters fat and the guy goes on Fox to say it’s all good. Is the secret to trumpism just low self-esteem? - Adam Parkhomenko

I Wonder If Trump Laughs At These Children In Private
A federal appeals court on Thursday upheld a previous court order mandating the Trump administration provide basic personal hygiene items to children in detention at facilities in the Rio Grande Valley in Texas.
The ruling by the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Fransisco hands a loss to the Trump administration, which had challenged a lower court decision two years ago ordering U.S. officials to provide basic personal hygiene items as well as adequate sleeping conditions, temperatures and food and water to children in detention at facilities in the Rio Grande Valley.

Greenland? 

Why would we buy Greenland? 

Here's an idea, buy Mexico. Yeah, buy Mexico. Solves about 90% of everything Conservatives are complaining about. Boom! 

Also? Tacos. 

Make sure they spell my name correctly on the Nobel Prize. - Stonekettle tweet

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Denmark Offers to Buy U.S. - Andy Borowitz

Rock The Voter News

• Warren pushes tribal plan amid new Trump attacks on Native American claims
• O'Rourke calls for mandatory gun buyback, licensing
• Buttigieg lags behind rivals in Iowa after big national splash
• Pete Buttigieg Rejected Style Advice From Tom Ford
• Kamala Harris launches Spanish-language organizing program
• Bennet says Hickenlooper would be an 'excellent senator'
• Obama Reportedly Cautioned Biden on 2020 Run: 'You Don't Have to Do This, Joe'
• Justice Dept. says Mueller report downloaded over 800 million times

Maybe when our weak and stupid president is finished colluding with Russia and colluding with North Korea and colluding with Bone Saw Arabia and colluding with Israel, just maybe then he can find some time to finally start colluding with America. but I'm not holding my breath. - Jeff Tiedrich

Hey Madam Speaker, Is This An Impeachable Offense?
President Donald Trump on Thursday praised a New Hampshire Republican who previously called for former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to be shot by firing squad.

Standing up for what you believe in isn't a virtue if what you believe in is awful. - The TweetOfGod

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Amazon Workers Now Being Shipped In Packages To Personally Assure Customers They’re Treated Well - The Onion

Business/Tech News

• Pebble Beach Car Week: Where one-percenters can blow $48 million on a car
• Tyson Foods recalls chicken patties possibly contaminated with 'foreign matter'
• FCC fines 'The Walking Dead,' Jimmy Kimmel for use of emergency alert tones
• Banana Republic joins the clothing rental craze

1984 is here. Orwell was just 35 years early.

Crazy School Gun Nuts Avert a Disaster
A school district in Ohio is coming under criticism after it was reported that a pair of first graders gained access to an unlocked case containing a firearm and allegedly picked it up, The Columbus Dispatch reported Friday.

If I were an extraterrestrial living on Earth, I’d hide in Area 52. - Conan O'Brien

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1970's Hot Fashion Items

Odd News

• NASA scientists track Greenland's melting ice, and the findings are not good
• Woman falls 5,000 feet as parachute and backup fail in skydive, crashes into trees at 40mph, survives: "It's a miracle"
• Man tries to use a Roman candle to destroy a nest of hornets, but ends up setting his roof on fire.
• Large snake at power transformer causes Kentucky outage
• Florida vacation home invaded by vomiting vultures

Time To Deflate Photo

1878 – Diving Suit by the Carmagnolle Bros. I'm just guessing here but leaks probably prevented the popularity of this diving suit.

I hope y'all have a peaceful weekend.

Jeffrey Epstein Autopsy Shows Neck Bone Fractures, Raising Questions About Suicide Report

Jeffrey Epstein Autopsy Shows Neck Bone Fractures, Raising Questions About Suicide Report
Multiple bones in Jeffrey Epstein’s neck were found to be broken during the official autopsy of his body, including his hyoid bone, which is sometimes fractured during hanging but more often broken during strangulation.


If you are surprised Epstein committed suicide, imagine how surprised he was.

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam Trump

• A truck drove into ICE protesters outside a private prison. They say a guard was at the wheel.
• Gunman wounds 6 police officers in Philadelphia
• ‘Go back’: Man faces hate crime charges after ice pick attack on Hispanic biker waving Mexican flag
• Husband of woman killed in mass shooting invites public to her funeral because 'he has no other family'
• U.S. move halts release of Iranian tanker held in Gibraltar
• Israel bars visit by U.S. Democratic lawmakers

An American president is urging a longstanding ally not to admit two American members of Congress into its democratic country. Seems that all members of Congress, regardless of party, would be worried about this precedent. - Matt Viser, Washington Post

Oh By the Way, a Russian Military Jet Flew Over Chicago
CHICAGO — Just as Chicagoans were settling into dinner, and the White Sox were in the middle of a doubleheader on the South Side Tuesday, a Russian Air Force jet flew over Chicago at high altitude, likely collecting reconnaissance along the way.

“The Cong were after me,” Trump said, visibly stirred by the memory. “And then, just in the nick of time, I got my deferment.” - Andy Borowitz

Republican Shenanigans

• President Trump claims that being president is costing him billions of dollars
• House GOP leaders condemn Steve King for 'appalling' rape comments
• Vice President Mike Pence's press secretary Alyssa Farah is expected to become the next Pentagon spokeswoman
• W.H. Press Secretary On Press Briefing Hiatus: Trump Gaggles 'Good Enough'
• American flags lowered to half-staff on Jeffrey Epstein's private islands 
• Epstein had bizarre painting of Bill Clinton in dress, heels in townhouse
• Epstein told lawyers that cellmate Nicholas Tartaglione ‘roughed him up’
• Guards at Jeffrey Epstein’s jail mistakenly let another inmate go free
• Ohio lawmaker proposes using seized fentanyl in executions
• Minnesota farmer tears up while telling CNN how Trump’s ‘very scary’ trade war has harmed her family
• Colbert Reveals Why Trump Isn't Welcome On The 'Late Show' Anymore

Fun fact: Alyssa Farrah — Pence’s press secretary & now Pentagon spokesperson — is the daughter of the man who in 1997 founded WorldNet Daily.

For two decades WND has peddled Right Wing lies, smears & conspiracy theories — including birtherism — using the likes of Jerome Corsi. - Philippe Reines tweet

Trump Calls GOP Mayor of El Paso a RINO
The mayor of the grieving city of El Paso told President Donald Trump in a private meeting that he’s presenting “misinformation” about crime in his city, and pushed back when the president used a derogatory term to suggest he wasn’t a real Republican.
“He said, ‘You’re a RINO [Republican in name only],’ and I said, ‘No, sir. I am not a RINO,’” Mayor Dee Margo told FRONTLINE.  “I said … ‘I simply corrected the misinformation you were given by [the Texas] attorney general, and that’s all I did.’”

(In Jeff Foxworthy voice):
“If you actually believe that Trump isn’t profiting off the Presidency and using it to try and prop up his sagging businesses, you might be a MAGA.” - DrainTheTrumps tweet

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Rock The Voter News

• Harry Reid: I wish Al Franken would run again
• Gillibrand suggests support for mandatory buyback of assault weapons
• U.S. presidential candidate Cory Booker proposes office to fight white supremacy
• House panel issues subpoena to compel testimony from 8chan owner
• Progressive group launches $10 million online voter registration drive

An evangelical told me that God put Trump in the White House “for a reason.”

Maybe the reason is to teach us a lesson: Don’t ever do this again. - Windsor Mann

Finally, Public Testimony About Trump
The House Judiciary Committee on Thursday subpoenaed former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski and former top White House aide Rick Dearborn for details about their knowledge of potential obstruction of justice by President Donald Trump.
The subpoenas — which demand public testimony on Sept. 17 — come on the same day Lewandowski intends to appear alongside Trump at a campaign rally in New Hampshire, where Lewandowski has begun to openly consider a Senate campaign.

Has Trump blamed the fake news for his multiple bankruptcies yet? - Roland Scahill

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Behind every Great Recession is a corporate-friendly Republican. - Tea Pain

Business/Tech News

• Trump’s recession risk rises
• Truckers can't pay off their fuel cards — and it's a 'sure sign' that more trucking bankruptcies are coming
• Wilbur Ross: No date for next round of U.S.-China talks
• Virgin Galactic unveils customer lounge at $220 million spaceport

We could have had taco trucks on every corner but no, you people had to vote for worldwide economic collapse. - Jeff Tiedrich

An American Disgrace
CEO compensation has increased by 1,007.5% over the past three decades while workers have seen their pay rise by about 12%, according to a new report by the Economic Policy Institute (EPI).

This is one of the many reasons I 💖 NEW ORLEANS: 
New Orleans Streetcar Driver Boogies in Traffic

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Odd News

• Russian passenger jet makes emergency landing in cornfield after colliding with flock of gulls
• Jurassic world of volcanoes found in central Australia
• Vets remove 32 rubber ducks from hungry bulldog's stomach
• Bees escape transport truck, swarm highway toll plaza
• Authorities: Florida woman pulls gator from pants during stop

Time To Deflate Photo

A cat's a cat and that's that.

Peace.

'No Blame?' ABC News finds 36 cases invoking 'Trump' in connection with violence, threats, alleged assaults

'No Blame?' ABC News finds 36 cases invoking 'Trump' in connection with violence, threats, alleged assaults
President Donald Trump has repeatedly refused to accept any responsibility for inciting violence in American communities, dismissing critics who have pointed to his rhetoric as a potential source of inspiration for some citizens acting on even long-held beliefs of bigotry and hate.

BUT AT LEAST TRUMP DIDN'T RUN A PRIVATE EMAIL SERVER oh wait the incompetent moron did that, too. - Jeff Tiedrich

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam Trump

• NATO: Russian fighter acted in 'unsafe manner' in encounter with interceptors
• Russia's nuclear power plant ship raises U.S. fears while questions surround deadly missile accident
• China accuses Pelosi and McConnell of inciting 'chaos' in Hong Kong
• Florida Man Threatened To Blow Up Planes And Churches While Sending Woman 10,000 Texts in 12 Days, Cops Say

Trump Fears Pro-Democracy Movement Could Spread From Hong Kong To U.S. - Andy Borowitz

Shots Fired at ICE Offices
U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement on Tuesday blamed "political rhetoric" and "misinformation" about President Donald Trump's detention policies after shots were fired into two buildings housing ICE offices in San Antonio overnight.
No one was injured, but "had the bullets gone two inches in another direction, we could be here today talking about the murder of a federal official," said Christopher Combs, the FBI's special agent in charge in San Antonio.

Republican Shenanigans

• Epstein guards fell asleep, did not check him for hours
• Trump doubles down on baseless conspiracy theory linking Bill Clinton to Jeffrey Epstein's death
• DOJ accuses Dems of trying to 'game the system' in 'so-called' impeachment probe
• GOP challenger Weld denounces Trump's 'pathetic' boasting in El Paso
• First alleged victim to sue Epstein estate: 'My quest for justice is just getting started'
• Teen climate activist Greta Thunberg calls idea of meeting with Trump a "waste"

Trump Writes New Poem For Statue of Liberty:

Roses Are Red 

Violets Are Blue 

Unless You Are White 

To Hell With You

- Andy Borowitz

Voters anticipating a bestiality endorsement any moment.

Republican Says Rape & Incest Keep Population Growing
Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) on Wednesday questioned whether there would be "any population of the world left" if not for rape and incest throughout history, The Des Moines Register reported.
King was speaking in Urbandale, Iowa, where he defended anti-abortion legislation he sponsored in Congress that did not have exceptions for rape or incest.

Trump Says Video Of Him Partying With Epstein Is Actually Bill Clinton Wearing Trump Mask. - Andy Borowitz

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Rock The Voter News

• House Dems lose battle to link McGahn, Mueller grand jury cases
• Houston Chronicle calls on O'Rourke to end White House bid, run for Senate
•  John Hickenlooper considering ending presidential bid to run for Senate: report
• Biden just one point ahead of Warren in new weekly tracking poll
• Abrams: I would be 'honored' to be considered for VP
• Wizards owner called Obama for advice on NBA team
• Philadelphia to review contract for voting machines amid controversy

I'm ready for news anchors to begin their broadcasts by saying "You don't even wanna know." - John Fugelsang

Land of Lincoln Comes Through For EpiPen Users!!!
Illinois Gov. J.B. Pritzker (D) has signed off on legislation making his state the first in the nation to require insurance companies to provide coverage for children who require life-saving EpiPens injections.

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Business/Tech News

• Trump hits 'clueless' Fed chair, 'crazy inverted yield curve' after stocks plunge
• Flynn, Papadopoulos to speak at event preparing 'social media warriors' for 'digital civil war'
• Ocasio-Cortez knocks Barstool Sports founder over threat to fire unionizing workers
• Warren calls for internal probe over FTC's handling of Equifax settlement
• CNN's Don Lemon sued by Hamptons bartender over alleged assault

Hey white people who are angry about immigration... just a heads up: there are not enough white folks to keep the economy afloat and support your social security into old age. So you better welcome immigrants who do work you won’t...or else prepare to eat cat food. - Tim Wise tweet

Wall Street Rebels Against Trump
The Dow Jones Industrial Average plummeted more than 700 points on Wednesday

People who support the Endangered Species Act haven’t tasted my Bald Eagle Soufflé. - Conan O'Brien

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Odd News

• Nobody Pronounces the 'B' in 'Debt' And nobody ever did
• Nashville man stuffed brisket and propane down pants, cops say
• Remains of a human-sized "monster" penguin have been discovered in New Zealand, scientists announced Wednesday
• South Carolina Woman Attacked by Alligator While Walking Dog
• Neanderthals got 'surfer's ear' too, study says

Time To Deflate Photo

Guess who had the right-of-way.

Peace.