Trump praises Boris Johnson as the 'Britain Trump'

Trump praises Boris Johnson as the 'Britain Trump'
President Donald Trump on Tuesday commended Boris Johnson for his election as leader of the United Kingdom’s Conservative Party, predicting that the former London mayor and foreign secretary will bring a bit of "Britain Trump" to Downing Street as the country’s next prime minister.

"Just pat her on the bottom and send her on her way." - Boris Johnson, explaining how to handle his former publisher

He will now have a weekly audience with the Queen. - John Fugelsang

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam Trump

• More than 36 Syrian civilians killed in Idlib 'by Russian and Assad regime strikes'
• S. Korea, Russia differ over warning shots fired at jets
• Kim Jong-un inspects new submarine as North Korea sends message to US
• Venezuela jet 'aggressively shadows' US aircraft over Caribbean Sea
• Dallas-born US citizen has been detained by Border Patrol, ICE for three weeks, lawyer says

British lose right to claim that Americans are dumber. - Andy Borowitz

FBI Director Says Russia Gonna Interfere Again!
Russia is determined to interfere in U.S. elections, despite sanctions and other efforts to deter Moscow, FBI Director Christopher Wray said on Tuesday.
“The Russians are absolutely intent on trying to interfere with our elections,” through a foreign influence campaign, Wray said during a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing.

With Trump, Netanyahu, Kim, Modi and now Boris Johnson it’s comforting to know that at least five of the world’s nuclear arsenals are in the control of total jerks. - Scott Roth tweet

Republican Shenanigans

• DOJ warns Robert Mueller not to veer from Russia report's written conclusions
• Fox News cuts into Trump’s Turning Point USA speech after he starts rambling about handshakes
• Trump’s New Favorite Channel, Employs Kremlin-Paid Journalist
• Trump met with Nunes to talk intel chief replacements
• Kelly Craft was out of Canada for half her days as ambassador
• Zinke's client list includes industries he regulated at Interior: report
• Top ICE official chides reporter for using the word ‘raids’
• Ivanka Trump congratulates Boris Johnson on becoming PM of … Jamaica!

Trump said Melania actually asked him to help A$AP Rocky. Great, thanks Melania. Now ask him about the kids in cages next. - Chelsea Handler

Isn't This Taking Food From Fetuses? 
The Trump administration moved to end food stamp benefits for 3.1 million people with proposed new regulations curtailing the leeway of states to automatically enroll residents who receive welfare benefits.

Totally Innocent President Seeks To Limit Mueller’s Testimony - Andy Borowitz

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Reagan took the deficit from 70 billion to 175 billion. Bush 41 took it to 300 billion. Clinton got it to zero. Bush 43 took it from 0 to 1.2 trillion.Obama halved it to 600 billion. Trump’s got it back to a trillion.

Morons: “Democrats cause deficits.” - Alex Cole

Rock The Voter News

• Human rights advocates, top Democrats sign letter condemning Pompeo’s Commission on Unalienable Rights
• Nadler calls DOJ 'incredibly arrogant' for trying to limit Mueller's testimony
• Progressive media group launches 'Get Mitch or Die Trying' campaign to flip Senate
• Brutal: CNN’s Poppy Harlow Laughs as Bernie Sanders Can’t Name a Single Thing He Admires About Elizabeth Warren

Trump Orders Pence To Find Passage In Bible Where Jesus Tells People To Get The Hell Out. - Andy Borowitz

Remember This? It's Still a Mystery.
Advanced brain scans of U.S. Embassy employees who reported falling ill while serving in Havana revealed significant differences, according to a new study published on Tuesday that does little to resolve the mystery of injuries the Trump administration had characterized as a “sonic attack.”

“Send her back” has everything Trump loves: racism and one-syllable words.- Andy Borowitz

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Business/Tech News

• US sanctions on Chinese oil trader 'illegal': Beijing
• Apple Seeks Mac Pro Parts Tariff Exclusion After Move to China
• Coca-Cola will sell an alcoholic drink nationwide in Japan
• The day Deutsche Bank's boss decided on a radical solution

Trump Says He Is No Longer Considering Jeffrey Epstein For Treasury Secretary. - Andy Borowitz

The Germans Sure Don't Like Trump
A top CEO calls out Trump's racism. The CEO of German industrial giant Siemens says that President Donald Trump is becoming a symbol of intolerance following his attacks on four female members of Congress.

Dear UK,

We feel your pain in regards to Boris Johnson aka British Trump. Hang in there cuz we will get through this and build a better world than ever before. 

Sincerely, America 

- Angela Belcamino

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Odd News

• Hundreds of bus stops in Netherlands transformed into bee stops to improve biodiversity and air quality
• Camera returned to man after theft by eagle
• Woman Attacks Boyfriend for ‘Looking at Other Women,’ Stuns Fellow Passengers
• If humans gave birth in space, babies would have giant, alien-shaped heads
• New Mexico’s ‘moon trees’ planted after Apollo 14 are lost

Time To Deflate Photo

Waterfall of the Gods, Iceland. Stay cool people!

Peace.

Ivanka Trump: Ocasio-Cortez doesn’t understand the American people like I do

Ivanka Trump: Ocasio-Cortez doesn’t understand the American people like I do
‘I don’t think most Americans, in their heart, want to be given something. I’ve spent a lot of time traveling around this country over the last four years. People want to work for what they get.’

IVANKA: "Daaaaddy, why are you being racism-ist again? You know it hurts my brand when you do that. You are SUCH a stinker. **nose boop** LOVE YOU, DADDY!" - Rex Huppke

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam Trump

• Army Lets Slip That It's Conducting Secret Operation Around D.C.
• Iran CIA arrests: Trump denies claims that Iran nabbed 17 spies
• Ukrainian officials and Giuliani are sharing back-channel campaign information: report
• Israel razes Palestinian homes 'built too near barrier' 
• Ex-BLM Chiefs Say Interior Is Moving to Transfer Land to States
• ACLU promises lawsuit over expedited immigrant removal expansion

The press pool has an obligation to call out Trump on his repeated lie about the money given back to Iran...- irishygirl tweet

Trump Wants These Women Physically Harmed
President Trump on Monday lashed out at the media, targeting The Washington Post in particular, as he remained fixated on coverage of his ongoing attacks on four progressive congresswomen.
In a series of tweets, the president claimed the "Mainstream Media" has "gone bonkers" and accused the media of pushing "Radical Left Democrat views." 

Republican Shenanigans

• Trump says Mueller should not be allowed to testify about investigating possible obstruction of justice
• Trump Jr.'s book, 'Triggered,' to be published in November
• Giuliani warns Epstein case could 'implicate a lot of people'
• Behind Pence’s Air Force Two cancellation: A drug dealer
• Trump health official bashes public option as no better than 'Medicare for All'
• On his way to pay respects to late justice, Trump hurls insults at 'The Squad'
• Cop says Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez should be shot following Trump’s racist targeting of The Squad
• Miss Michigan defends controversial tweets that cost her title
• Comedian says he was punched in face by audience member after telling Trump-related joke

Hey guys call me crazy but I'm beginning to suspect that government of the racists by the racists and for the racists isn't really working out all that well for the rest of us. - Jeff Tiedrich

Trump Wants To Flaunt His Profiteering
President Trump is considering holding the Group of Seven economic summit next year at the Trump National Doral in Miami...President Trump does not directly run the Trump Organization, which he put into a trust controlled by his adult sons when he entered office in 2017.

As you read about Trump hosting the next G7 at his sh*tty omelet-bar-slash-golf-course, just keep in mind that the GOP would have impeached President Email Lady for having a hangnail. hey Nancy Pelosi, I'm pretty sure Trump isn't going to 'self-impeach,' so what the f*ck already - Jeff Tiedrich

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I haven't heard anything from Sarah Sanders in the past few weeks. It's almost like she's still the Press Secretary. - Fake Dispatch tweet

Rock The Voter News

• Steyer calls on Pelosi to cancel 'six-week vacation' for Congress
• Warren warns that another economic downturn is coming
• Voice Of America Ignores Reasons For Trump’s Criticism Of Rep. Ilhan Omar
• Chelsea Clinton announces birth of third child

It’s crazy to me how Congress is set to go on an August recess soon knowing full well that Hope Hicks, Kellyanne CONway, Steven Mnuchin and other MAGA officials have committed numerous crimes with no accountability. Insane. - Ricky Davila

Karma For Khristians
Last week, Pastor E.W. Lucas put up the sign "America, I love it. If you don’t love it, leave it." at Friendship Baptist Church in Appomattox....On Sunday, the church was empty for it's 11 o'clock service.

How many girls does Donald Trump have to rape before he gets more coverage than Al Franken pretending to grab a boob? - Andrea Junker

Oh, No, Girl, Don't.
Anthony Weiner was seen moving back in with Huma Abedin over the weekend in New York City, pictured in exclusive DailyMail.com photos.

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Business/Tech News

• Putin gives Russian citizenship to Novatek's finance chief, a U.S.national
• Report: Ross 'tends to fall asleep' in Commerce meetings
• Pence to push new NAFTA deal in visit to Iowa
• US hotels caught in fight over housing detained migrants
• Microsoft settles anti-bribery case for over $25 million

With 44 tweets about them in the past week alone, "The Squad" is officially living rent-free in Trump's head.
Ironically, they're the first people of color Trump's ever rented to. - Translate Trump tweet

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I've Never Tried This Liquor Because a Gringo Called It Tico Moonshine
Costa Rica’s Health Ministry last week issued an alert over liquor that has been sold to the public containing deadly amounts of methanol.
Friday, the Health Ministry said it attributes 19 deaths in June and July to methanol poisoning, though the information is “preliminary as investigations continue.”

Some people complain that this is the hottest summer in the last 125 years, but I like to think of it as the coolest summer of the next 125 years! Glass half full! - Carter Bays tweet

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The flu has returned, not as harsh as the first round. 

Please forgive any mistakes.

Thank you!

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When you’re so high on dentist gas the water buffalo of drugs visits you.

Odd News

• "Storm Loch Ness": After raiding Area 51, people want to hunt the legendary monster
• Scientists discovered a new species of tiny sharks that glow in the dark
• Earth To Mars In 100 Days? The Power Of Nuclear Rockets
• Astronomers decode Milky Way's violent birth
• Lego designer is collaborating with NASA to design spaceships
• Florida woman accused of assault over pizza slice

Time To Deflate Photo

On this day 50 years ago, Neil, Mike and I were roughly one-third of the way home, Earth growing in our window. With us, we carried moon rocks – and boundless appreciation for the Americans who were making #Apollo11’s safe return possible. Splashdown just 2 days away! - Buzz Aldrin tweet

Peace.

Remember when John McCain told a woman that Obama was not an Arab but a decent man?

Trump fumes over Ilhan Omar's 'welcome home' crowd
After claiming he wasn’t happy that his supporters broke into a “send her back” chant at his rally in North Carolina, President Trump on Friday fumed over the media coverage of Rep. Ilhan Omar’s return to Minnesota, where she was greeted by a crowd cheering “Welcome home.”

El Chapo has been sentenced to life in prison plus 30 years. Okay, now do Donald Trump. - Chelsea Handler

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam Trump

• Trump officials pressing to slash refugee admissions to zero next year
• Merkel criticizes Trump attacks on congresswomen
• Iran claims to have seized British oil tanker in strait of Hormuz
• Iran denies Trump claim U.S. destroyed drone
• A Yazidi woman from Iraq told Idiot Trump that ISIS killed her family. How did the idiot respond you ask?  By asking  “Where are they now?”
• Trump pledges to 'look' at $10B Pentagon contract amid complaints about Amazon

Hey Republicans, you being privately disgusted by Trump isn't what's going to make it into the history books. - Thor Benson

We All Need To Speak Up and Loudly!
U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials at O'Hare Airport released three American citizen children to their undocumented mother late Thursday afternoon. The children, all girls, ages 9, 10 and 13, had been held at the airport for more than 12 hours.
Immigration lawyers, a representative from the Mexican Consulate and a congresswoman from Illinois met with federal officials at different points throughout the afternoon arguing for the release of the children. In addition, several advocates gathered at the international terminal at O'Hare for hours rallying in support of the family.

I am heartbroken by what I’m witnessing at the Southern border today. I asked this young boy if he has been able to brush his teeth in the American holding facility. He replied: “No.”

We are better than this. We have to be better than this. - Sen. Chris Coons

If you're a white Christian afraid of one day becoming a minority this might be a good time to be more Christian to minorities. - John Fugelsang

Republican Shenanigans

• Ocasio-Cortez hits DHS chief for 'images of my violent rape' in Facebook group
• McConnell: Trump 'on to something' with attacks on congresswomen
• Lara Trump Falsely Claims ‘A Couple of People’ Chanted ‘Send Her Back’ While Defending POTUS: ‘He Didn’t Say It’
• Trump defends fans who chanted ‘send her back’ and tells Ilhan Omar she’s ‘lucky to be where she is’
• Trump blurts out a massive lie about Dem congresswomen — after being asked about Melania
• James Comey Chimes in with Questions He Would Ask Robert Mueller Ahead of Next Week’s Testimony
• Jeffrey Epstein: Florida sheriff’s office opens probe of deputies who watched sex offender
• Businessman who testified in Mueller probe indicted on child pornography charges

“Send her back. Lock her up. Nasty woman. Horse face. That dog. Face of a pig. Not my type. Fat. Disgusting. Low IQ. Slob. Pocahontas. Blood coming out of her wherever. Look at that face. Grab them by the pussy.”

But nobody has more respect for women? #IStandWithIlhanOmar - Jackie Speier

Melania Is Spitting Nails At This Moment
Step aside, Taylor Swift and Queen Elizabeth II. Michelle Obama is officially 2019’s most admired woman in the world...First Lady Melania Trump and President Donald Trump neared the bottom of the worldwide lists at 19 and 14, respectively.

“Obama divided us by race” always sounds better than “Obama really upset all the racists.” - John Fugelsang

Waaaaay Too Much Info Bro
"I have had sex with one woman since the day I met Jeffrey Epstein. I challenge David Boies to say under oath that he's only had sex with one woman ...  He has an enormous amount of chutzpah to attack me and challenge my perfect, perfect sex life."- Alan Dershowitz

Imagine a country so deeply racist that it replaces a dignified black man with a toxic orange garbage scow. - Jeff Tiedrich

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Rock The Voter News

• Democrats call for increased security after 'send her back' chants
• Democrats plot new plan to press Robert Mueller
• Biden proposes tax increases for wealthy as part of health care plan
• 'He doesn’t have any new ideas': John Delaney bashes Biden
• Kamala Harris and Joe Biden set to face off again in Democratic debate

Yesterday, I voted to allow debate on articles of impeachment. My third time. 

The first time the House voted on a similar resolution there were only 58 of us.

The second time 66. 

Yesterday, 95.

How many will join us after Mueller testifies before Congress? - Rep. Jimmy Gomez

Can Anyone In This Administration Tell The Truth?
House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerrold Nadler (D-N.Y.) is demanding that former White House communications director Hope Hicks clarify her testimony before the committee after he said new court filings suggested there were “inconsistencies” between her words and evidence collected by federal investigators in Michael Cohen’s case.

Can we just impeach this moron already? Are we waiting for him to shoot someone on 5th Avenue? Are we waiting for him to be caught with his pants down? His pants have been down for 3 years. We are dealing with a racist who is actively engaging his base in racism. No more. - Chelsea Handler

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Business/Tech News

• Trump taps Scalia’s son for Labor secretary
• Advocates urge Senate privacy group to center consumers, not companies
• Fannie Mae Chief Economist: What are we doing about debt?
• The NFL will not discipline Tyreek Hill, who was accused of assaulting his son

So, in the Trump’s worldview, it is your patriotic duty to trash the country when the black guy is in charge but your patriotic duty to love it when the white guy is in charge. I see… - Charles M. Blow

Revenge of The Trump
The White House is pushing a top aide to Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross out of the Trump administration, the first round of house-cleaning after the 2020 census debacle and clashes over tech policy.
In recent months, Commerce policy director Earl Comstock has angered Trump’s acting chief of staff Mick Mulvaney...

What truly makes our country great is its diversity. I’ve seen that beauty in so many ways over the years. Whether we are born here or seek refuge here, there’s a place for us all. We must remember it’s not my America or your America. It’s our America. - Michelle Obama

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Thank you!

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Odd News

• Ancient origami inspires new rocket leg design
• Phony Ferraris, ‘Shamborghinis’ seized at Brazil factory
• National Weather Service bakes biscuits in hot car
• Chicago artist turns potholes into mosaic art
• Naked Florida man wearing bra burglarizes several cars

Time To Deflate Photo

Mushrooms growing on a dead leaf -- life finds a way.

Peace.