All Hat No Cattle

Thursday, May 31, 2018

If you live by the tweet...

Trump turns to victimhood politics after ABC fires Roseanne
For a second straight day, President Trump has found a way to talk about the "Roseanne" controversy without condemning Roseanne Barr's racist remark.

To calm racial tensions after the #Roseanne debacle, Trump decides to pardon a felon that makes his livin' claimin' Democrats includin' Jews, African-Americans and other minorities are Nazis. - Tea Pain

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

I’m with an elite Salvadoran police unit right now and just after going on foot patrol in an MS-13 controlled neighborhood an officer asked me why there are so many school shootings in the US.- Danny Gold

Trump Sticks Stiff Tariffs To Canada, Mexico & EU
The administration says it failed to reach deals with the European Union, Canada and Mexico to address national security concerns related to the imports.

An update from Singapore: the press was banned from the Capella hotel, where the U.S. delegation is staying, but I managed to get in by going straight to the hotel bar and appearing to be a tourist.- John Hudson, Washington Post

Florida Has Turned Into A Mean, Racist State
The family of a Florida black man who was fatally shot by police through a garage door in his own house was awarded just four cents in compensation for the loss of his life.

Melania wrote this? Haha, good one, Trump.

Republican Shenanigans

Two days ago, Trump said he was too busy to think about the Russia investigation anymore. Yesterday he met with Kim Kardashian. Today he focused on the urgent business of pardoning Dinesh D'Souza. - Richard Hine

I Hope Trump Doesn't Throw Paper Towels At Them
"We are going to Dallas, we are going to Houston. We are going to have a little fun today. Thank you very much," President Trump says as he head to Texas to meet with the families of Santa Fe school shooting victims

4,635 Americans in Puerto Rico won't be getting a pardon from Trump. -LOLGOP

il Douche has pardoned Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Scooter Libby & Dinesh D'Souza for contempt of court, lying, campaign finance violations. Notice a pattern? - Jim David

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Rock The Voter News

I would like to thank President Trump for his time this afternoon. It is our hope that the President will grant clemency to Ms. Alice Marie Johnson who is serving a life sentence for a first-time, non-violent drug offense. - Kim Kardashian West

I Hope The NFL Drops To Its Knees
The attorney for former 49ers Colin Kaepernick and Eric Reid is hinting that a witness in their collusion case can come forward with concrete evidence of a conspiracy to keep them out of the league for kneeling during the national anthem.

It’s a sad day when Kim Kardashian has been invited to the White House before Malala. Priorities are not in check... - irishygirl

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I offer a full divine pardon to Judas. My son had it coming. - TheTweetOfGod

Business/Tech News

Not to stick up for a pharmaceutical company but I took an ambien last night and still thought what Roseanne did was hurtful and stupid. Then I ate a whole turkey. - Albert Brooks

Vermont Is Offering People 10K To Move There
Vermont Gov. Phil Scott (R) has signed a bill into law that will pay people $10,000 if they move to the state and work for an out-of-state employer remotely.

Maybe Dinesh D'Souza was on Ambien when he voluntarily confessed to multiple campaign finance violations. - Jeff Tiedrich

You had one job

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Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Roseanne Barr Implies Her Racist Tweet Was Caused By Ambien

Roseanne Barr Implies Her Racist Tweet Was Caused By Ambien
ICYMI: Roseanne Barr created a total sh*tstorm earlier this week after tweeting racist remarks about Valerie Jarrett, a black woman who formerly served as a senior adviser to President Barack Obama. Her show Roseanne was canceled by ABC hours later, and many people—including her costars—immediately condemned her.
Not long after, Roseanne implied that Ambien was to blame for her original comments...

Given that a TV star was fired for racist tweets one week after a New York billionaire was led away in handcuffs for sexual assault, it’s understandable if Trump is on edge right now.- Andy Borowitz

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

The only reason that Eric Trump isn't in trouble for colluding with the Russians is that he accidentally locked himself in a refrigerator the day of the meeting. - Jeff Tiedrich

Republican Says There Is No Spygate
Rep. Trey Gowdy, R-South Carolina, says that the FBI has an "obligation" to run out any leads it may have -- including using informants -- to get to the bottom of the case of Russian interference in the 2016 campaign.

Roseanne’s network wanted to showcase the average Trump voter. And that’s exactly what they got.- Molly Knight

Republican Shenanigans

White House in Panic Mode After TV Star With Racist Twitter Feed Loses Job.- Andy Borowitz

Stormy Daniels' Lawyer Dressed Down By Judge
Michael Avenatti has withdrawn his request to represent adult-film star Stormy Daniels in the case centered on the FBI raid of President Trump’s attorney Michael Cohen.

Disappointed World Will Never See Episode Where Roseanne Blows Open Seth Rich Murder - The Onion

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Taking an Ambien once a day doesn't make you racist.

Watching Fox News three times a day does. - Erik Bransteen

Rock The Voter News

Let me make clear the difference between Colin Kaepernick and Roseanne: One is fighting racism and despised by Trump, the other is facilitating racism and loved by Trump.- Matthew Dowd

Trump Says Staff Member Doesn't Exist, That Does. Do You Know What's Scarier? All The Stuff That Exists That We Don't Know About.
Matthew Pottinger must have been surprised to learn that he doesn’t exist. As the top official for Asia on President Donald Trump’s National Security Council, Pottinger had briefed dozens of reporters about North Korea two days before Trump angrily tweeted that a New York Times article citing his remarks had relied on an official who “doesn’t exist.”

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I hate that Roseanne took the livelihoods of cast and crew she didn't speak for with her. Can we just rebrand the show "Dan" and have John Goodman hang out with Jeff Bridges, slowly transitioning the whole thing to a Big Lebowski TV run? - Richard Jeter

Business/Tech News

Although I agree with ABC’s decision (obviously), I have nothing but contempt for their decision to air the Roseanne reboot in the first place. They knew exactly what they were getting..- Andy Borowitz

Here's A Good Dick
Dick's Sporting Goods shares jumped 23 percent at the market's open Wednesday after it beat first-quarter expectations and hiked its full-year earnings forecast, easing concerns that restrictions it placed on gun purchases would hurt its sales.

Look, I’m not trying to make excuses for anyone, but the last time I took Ambien I annexed Poland - Andy Richter

Petrified Wood

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Tuesday, May 29, 2018

The Trumps are not only cruel but they're "rub salt in the wound" cruel

Donald Trump Jr. is also getting blowback — just like Ivanka — for posting a photo with his kids
Hours after his younger sister Ivanka posted a much-derided photo with her son, Donald Trump Jr. is catching heat for also sharing a photo of him posing with two of his kids. The comments were calling to his attention the scary plight of the children whom immigration officials have separated from their families at the border.

How can you not love Ivanka - from her fake little nose, her bleached blonde hair, her green colored contact lenses to her Asian sweatshops, her campaigning for Devin Nunes and her ability to be Jewish and a Nazi at the very same time. - TheCenteredEgg tweet

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

If Mary and Joseph crossed the US border today, Jesus would be ripped from her arms and placed “where ever”. #WhereAreTheChidren - irishygirl tweet

Trump lays a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Bone Spur

Dear US Media; if you can spell things like:
“Plays loosely with facts”
"Demonstrable falsehoods"
"Mendacity"
"Incessant dishonesty"
"Prevarication"
"Untruths"
"Misinformation"
"Fabrications"
Or "whoppers"

Then you're able to spell the word “lies.” - John Fugelsang

Media, Media, Media!!
President Donald Trump on Tuesday accused the entire U.S. mainstream media of running a “highly sophisticated Disinformation Campaign” to undermine his 2016 campaign and his presidency.
In a tweet on Tuesday, Trump said it was the media, and not Russia, that had conducted a campaign of “disinformation” during the 2016 election.

Curiously the "He'll be happy, he'll be rich" guarantee Trump just offered Kim Jong Un was the same promise extended to enrollees at Trump University. - David Frum

Where Is Melania Trump?
It might sound like a computer simulation of an '80s TV movie gone awry, but for two weeks the biggest question in Washington has been: Where has the first lady gone?
Melania Trump has not been seen in public since May 10, the day before she began a six-day stay at Walter Reed Military Hospital for what her office called a "procedure" for a "benign kidney condition." Second lady Karen Pence has filled in for her at some events, and today she was absent from the president's side when he spoke at Arlington National Cemetery for Memorial Day.

Republican Shenanigans

Roseanne Barr, busy today? I think you need to attend the Starbucks racial-bias education seminar. - Erik Bransteen

TMZ & Trump
When the Access Hollywood tape of Donald Trump emerged in the home stretch of the 2016 election, it should have been a gift from the tabloid gods for TMZ.
Instead, the celebrity gossip website went into overdrive to help Trump.

The good news: 8,000 Starbucks stores shut today for anti-bias trainingThe bad news: When Caucasians start to riot because no access to soy lattes. - John Fugelsang

For those upset about the Ivanka's baby pic, relax--the next Trump family photo will be a collection of mugshots.- Erik Bransteen

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Whenever you feel like we’re falling backward, or that our progress is being undone, remember what Coretta Scott King told us so long ago: The fight for civil rights, the fight for justice, the fight for equality must be fought and won with each generation. - Kamala Harris

Rock The Voter News

Why Does God Talk To Stupid People?
Louisiana televangelist seeks $54 million for private jet so he can avoid ‘demons’ who infest commercial flights.

The NYTimes reacts with surprise that Hillary supporters are angry at how they tilted their coverage to favor Trump. Maybe bc they spent the last 2 years interviewing Trump voters and exactly no years interviewing the majority group disenfranchised by his illegitimate election.- Kate Hess

Why Are Investigations Into JFK & RFK's Assassinations Are Fraught With Errors?
Robert Kennedy Jr. had a three-hour prison meeting in California with his father’s convicted killer and left convinced a new investigation into the murder is needed, he told The Washington Post.

Strange how people who claimed Hillary Clinton was trafficking imaginary children in the back room of a pizza parlor don't seem to care very much about real kids being lost & presumed now in the hands of actual human traffickers. - Amanda Guinzburg

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Business/Tech News

The NFL is 80% black. They profit off of Black Lives but can't kneel or stand up for black lives. The nerve they got telling Black people they can't protest against their own oppression. - SJPeace