All Hat No Cattle

Friday, April 13, 2018

Happy Friday the 13th Trump! Don't walk under any ladders!

Trump blasts Comey as an 'untruthful slime ball' after book revelations
Trump's tweets come a day after excerpts from Comey's forthcoming tell-all paint a devastating picture of the president as a liar divorced from reality.

We’ve reached a point in the country where it being Friday the 13th is the LEAST of our concerns. - Brian Balthazar

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

Sarah Huckabee Sanders called any speculation that Trump had ordered Comey’s book “absurd,” adding, “The President does not order reading material.” - Andy Borowitz

REVENGE SHALL BE MINE Sayeth The Trumpet
President Trump pardoned Scooter Libby, who was convicted in 2007 of obstructing justice, perjury and lying to the FBI.
Libby, chief of staff to then-Vice President Dick Cheney, was a central figure in the leaking of covert CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity.
The special prosecutor in the Plame case, Patrick Fitzgerald, was appointed by then-Deputy Attorney General James Comey, whom Trump fired last year as FBI director.

Trump’s connection at the National Enquirer is a guy named David J. Pecker?
You really can’t make this stuff up. - John Dingell

Republican Shenanigans

Unprotected sex with porn stars.
20-second handshakes.
Forcefully kissing/grabbing women who are complete strangers.
Trump told Comey he was a “germaphobe” but his actions tell a VERY different story.
- Adam Best

*JAWS Theme*
President Donald Trump's personal attorney, Michael Cohen, is trying to prevent federal investigators from using materials the FBI seized in a search of his Manhattan office, apartment and hotel room this week.

I think we can all agree Michael Cohen is the worst “fixer” seeing all his buried skeletons keep resurfacing. - irishygirl tweet

Sorry/not sorry but I ain’t pinning a medal on Comey’s chest for penning a tell-all about the mess he helped make. - The Hoarse Whisperer

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Rock The Voter News

This would be a good time to remind the sane people that Caligula Kardashian's official reason for firing James Comey at the time was Comey's unfair treatment of Hillary Clinton. -John Fugelsang

Oh My. There Are Recordings?
Donald Trump's personal attorney often recorded telephone conversations both before and during the 2016 presidential campaign that likely have been scooped up in the FBI raid on attorney Michael Cohen's apartment, office and hotel room, according to sources familiar with the matter.

The National Enquirer paid $30,000 for a story about President Trump having a love child but then buried the story. The Enquirer said, "We did it to protect the child from finding out his father is Donald Trump." - Conan ='Brien

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Business/Tech News

Russian Hookers Who Peed on Trump Say They Still Have Not Been Paid - Andy Borowitz

Trump versus Amazon
President Trump stepped up his long-running battle with Amazon, ordering a federal task force to investigate the Postal Service's finances.
The executive order issued late Thursday night does not mention Amazon by name, but Amazon is the subtext.

Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, said that he had “absolutely no idea” how the ten thousand Comey books made their way to the White House, but advised Trump to follow the procedures on the Amazon website for returning unwanted merchandise.- Andy Borowitz

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? - Steven Wright

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I hope you had a good time today.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Trump backs off tweet warning Russia of 'coming' Syria strike

Trump backs off tweet warning Russia of 'coming' Syria strike
A day after warning Russia in a tweet that “missiles will be coming” to Syria, President Trump said on Twitter that an airstrike was not necessarily imminent.

Last night, the portraits of Washington and Jefferson quietly snuck out of the White House. - Conan O'Brien

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

"All the war-propaganda, all the screaming and lies and hatred, comes invariably from people who are not fighting." - George Orwell

Of Course Trump Is Friends With The Owner Of A Sleazy Tabloid Rag That Is Now Under Investigation
President Trump has long had ties to the nation’s major media players. But his connections with the country’s largest tabloid publisher, American Media Inc., run deeper than most.

President Trump today criticized special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation saying there is "no collusion or obstruction other than I fight back." Hold on, no obstruction other than I fight back? Fighting back against an investigation is obstruction. That's like saying no infidelity other than I sleep with porn stars. Only Trump would try to obstruct justice and confess to it in the same tweet. - Seth Myers

On #HolocaustRemembranceDay, Donald Trump remembers the good people on both sides. - Paul Soloman

Republican Shenanigans

House Speaker Paul Ryan said he is not seeking re-election because he wants to spend more time with his kids. Ryan said, "As a dad, there comes a time when you want to be there to take away their healthcare IN PERSON."- Conan O'Brien

Paul Ryan is stepping down and looks forward to pretending it's possible to worship both Jesus & Ayn Rand in the private sector. - John Fugelsang

35 Sets Of Subpoenas? 35?
Prosecutors from special counsel Robert Mueller's office have obtained 35 sets of subpoenas to call witnesses for Paul Manafort's bank and tax fraud trial set to begin in a Virginia federal court in July, court records show.

Former House Speaker John Boehner has joined the board of a marijuana company and today he said his "thinking on cannabis has evolved." That can only mean really one thing: His grandson showed him how to use a bong.- Conan O'Brien

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Senators should reject Mike Pompeo’s nomination to be Secretary of State. He denies the climate crisis, and has been doing the bidding for fossil fuel interests his whole career. The American people deserve better.- Al Gore

Rock The Voter News

It was reported that President Trump is doing nothing right now but angrily fuming, eating, and watching TV. In other words, it sounds like Trump is turning into a Trump voter.- Conan O'Brien

I Have An Idea. Let's Tar & Feather Scott Pruitt!
Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt routinely directed staffers to book expensive hotels, help him earn frequent flier miles and schedule meetings to align with his personal travel desires, a former top staffer told congressional investigators.

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According to reports, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg sat on a four-inch-thick cushion to boost his height during his Senate testimony yesterday. Zuckerberg was like, "Oh, no, that's my wallet."- Seth Myers

Business/Tech News

Mark Zuckerberg completed day two of his congressional testimony about security breaches. Things got a little tense when Zuckerberg referred to each senator by their PIN number.- Conan O'Brien

Buy Your Very Own Sears Store Online!
More than a dozen of Sears Holdings' stores are being auctioned online.
Commercial real estate services firm Cushman & Wakefield is teaming with Real Insight Marketplace, an online bidding platform, to help unwind some of the department store chain's assets.

DEA officials have seized 500 pounds of meth concealed inside Disney figurines, which explains why Goofy is missing all but two teeth. - Conan O'Brien

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Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Trump Tweets Missile Threats At Russia

Trump warns Russia to 'get ready' for U.S. strike on Syria
A Russian diplomat earlier said American military assets would be targeted in the event of missiles being fired at Syria.

FUN FACT: Trump has telegraphed ample warning to Putin to move all his military assets to safety. #TrumpTreason - Tea Pain

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

Russia vows to shoot down any and all missiles fired at Syria. Get ready Russia, because they will be coming, nice and new and “smart!” You shouldn’t be partners with a Gas Killing Animal who kills his people and enjoys it! - Donald Trump tweet

Who's Got The Bigger Missiles?
Russia has warned that any U.S. missiles fired at Syria over a suspected chemical weapons attack on a rebel enclave would be shot down and the launch sites targeted, raising the possibility of a U.S.-Russian confrontation.

Mueller closing in on Trump at the same time an international crisis escalates has always been the doomsday scenario. God help us. - Matthew Miller

The American Dream is now that a reality TV host can go from firing Meat Loaf to firing Missiles. - John Fugelsang

The NRA & Russia
The National Rifle Association has accepted contributions from about 23 Russians, or Americans living in Russia, since 2015, the gun rights group acknowledged to Congress.

Republican Shenanigans

John Boehner just realized that the people who own this country can now make more $ selling weed than they currently do from locking up nonviolent men who sell weed. - John Fugelsang

House Speaker Paul Ryan ~~Running Away~~ Retiring
House Speaker Paul Ryan announced Wednesday that he will not seek re-election and will retire in January.
"You all know I did not seek this job," Ryan said, addressing reporters. "I took it reluctantly. ... I have no regrets."

Say what you will about Donald Trump, but he got Paul Ryan to quit. - Chip Chantry

The definition of insanity is behavin' like Nixon and expectin' different results. - Tea Pain

Bipartisan Senators Want To Protect Mueller
A bipartisan group of senators is moving to revive legislation protecting special counsel Robert Mueller from being fired by President Donald Trump.
Behind the measure are Republican Senators Thom Tillis of North Carolina and Lindsey Graham of South Carolina. They are being backed by Democrats Chris Coons of Delaware and Cory Booker of New Jersey.

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Shorter Facebook hearing:
"But where is the book where you keep these faces?"
"Senator I'm not following"
"The physical book, with the faces? There is a book, right?"
"My God, you're serious."
"My grandson said there was a book and I had to join it."
- Oliver Willis

Rock The Voter News

New Secretary Of State Asks Hillary For Suggestions
While preparing for his new role, Secretary of State-designate Mike Pompeo reached out to every living former secretary of state, including Hillary Clinton, sources told CNN.
During a call, Clinton pressed Pompeo on retaining career diplomats, a source familiar with the conversation said.

I can’t believe Hillary wrapped the murder weapon in Obama’s birth certificate and hid it in Michael Cohen’s office. - John Zal

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Business/Tech News

I hope congress doesn't break Facebook into pieces.
I'd hate to log onto Nosebook or Earbook or Eyebook. - Ham On Wry Tweet

Fox's London Office Raided. There Is A God.
European Commission investigators raided Twenty-First Century Fox's London office on Tuesday, The Daily Telegraph reported.
Sources at the location told the newspaper that authorities were trying to be discreet and had been told to keep details of their mission confidential. The Telegraph reported that investigators will be on site through Wednesday and maybe Thursday.
Shares of Fox fell more than 1 percent in extended trading.

Mick Jagger in drag. He looks like my scary high school chemistry teacher.

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Smiles Are Always Free Of Charge Here

Friday, April 13, 2018

Happy Friday the 13th Trump! Don't walk under any ladders!

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Trump backs off tweet warning Russia of 'coming' Syria strike

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Trump Tweets Missile Threats At Russia

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