All Hat No Cattle

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Roseanne Barr Implies Her Racist Tweet Was Caused By Ambien

Roseanne Barr Implies Her Racist Tweet Was Caused By Ambien
ICYMI: Roseanne Barr created a total sh*tstorm earlier this week after tweeting racist remarks about Valerie Jarrett, a black woman who formerly served as a senior adviser to President Barack Obama. Her show Roseanne was canceled by ABC hours later, and many people—including her costars—immediately condemned her.
Not long after, Roseanne implied that Ambien was to blame for her original comments...

Given that a TV star was fired for racist tweets one week after a New York billionaire was led away in handcuffs for sexual assault, it’s understandable if Trump is on edge right now.- Andy Borowitz

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

The only reason that Eric Trump isn't in trouble for colluding with the Russians is that he accidentally locked himself in a refrigerator the day of the meeting. - Jeff Tiedrich

Republican Says There Is No Spygate
Rep. Trey Gowdy, R-South Carolina, says that the FBI has an "obligation" to run out any leads it may have -- including using informants -- to get to the bottom of the case of Russian interference in the 2016 campaign.

Roseanne’s network wanted to showcase the average Trump voter. And that’s exactly what they got.- Molly Knight

Republican Shenanigans

White House in Panic Mode After TV Star With Racist Twitter Feed Loses Job.- Andy Borowitz

Stormy Daniels' Lawyer Dressed Down By Judge
Michael Avenatti has withdrawn his request to represent adult-film star Stormy Daniels in the case centered on the FBI raid of President Trump’s attorney Michael Cohen.

Disappointed World Will Never See Episode Where Roseanne Blows Open Seth Rich Murder - The Onion

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Taking an Ambien once a day doesn't make you racist.

Watching Fox News three times a day does. - Erik Bransteen

Rock The Voter News

Let me make clear the difference between Colin Kaepernick and Roseanne: One is fighting racism and despised by Trump, the other is facilitating racism and loved by Trump.- Matthew Dowd

Trump Says Staff Member Doesn't Exist, That Does. Do You Know What's Scarier? All The Stuff That Exists That We Don't Know About.
Matthew Pottinger must have been surprised to learn that he doesn’t exist. As the top official for Asia on President Donald Trump’s National Security Council, Pottinger had briefed dozens of reporters about North Korea two days before Trump angrily tweeted that a New York Times article citing his remarks had relied on an official who “doesn’t exist.”

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I hate that Roseanne took the livelihoods of cast and crew she didn't speak for with her. Can we just rebrand the show "Dan" and have John Goodman hang out with Jeff Bridges, slowly transitioning the whole thing to a Big Lebowski TV run? - Richard Jeter

Business/Tech News

Although I agree with ABC’s decision (obviously), I have nothing but contempt for their decision to air the Roseanne reboot in the first place. They knew exactly what they were getting..- Andy Borowitz

Here's A Good Dick
Dick's Sporting Goods shares jumped 23 percent at the market's open Wednesday after it beat first-quarter expectations and hiked its full-year earnings forecast, easing concerns that restrictions it placed on gun purchases would hurt its sales.

Look, I’m not trying to make excuses for anyone, but the last time I took Ambien I annexed Poland - Andy Richter

Petrified Wood

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Tuesday, May 29, 2018

The Trumps are not only cruel but they're "rub salt in the wound" cruel

Donald Trump Jr. is also getting blowback — just like Ivanka — for posting a photo with his kids
Hours after his younger sister Ivanka posted a much-derided photo with her son, Donald Trump Jr. is catching heat for also sharing a photo of him posing with two of his kids. The comments were calling to his attention the scary plight of the children whom immigration officials have separated from their families at the border.

How can you not love Ivanka - from her fake little nose, her bleached blonde hair, her green colored contact lenses to her Asian sweatshops, her campaigning for Devin Nunes and her ability to be Jewish and a Nazi at the very same time. - TheCenteredEgg tweet

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

If Mary and Joseph crossed the US border today, Jesus would be ripped from her arms and placed “where ever”. #WhereAreTheChidren - irishygirl tweet

Trump lays a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknown Bone Spur

Dear US Media; if you can spell things like:
“Plays loosely with facts”
"Demonstrable falsehoods"
"Mendacity"
"Incessant dishonesty"
"Prevarication"
"Untruths"
"Misinformation"
"Fabrications"
Or "whoppers"

Then you're able to spell the word “lies.” - John Fugelsang

Media, Media, Media!!
President Donald Trump on Tuesday accused the entire U.S. mainstream media of running a “highly sophisticated Disinformation Campaign” to undermine his 2016 campaign and his presidency.
In a tweet on Tuesday, Trump said it was the media, and not Russia, that had conducted a campaign of “disinformation” during the 2016 election.

Curiously the "He'll be happy, he'll be rich" guarantee Trump just offered Kim Jong Un was the same promise extended to enrollees at Trump University. - David Frum

Where Is Melania Trump?
It might sound like a computer simulation of an '80s TV movie gone awry, but for two weeks the biggest question in Washington has been: Where has the first lady gone?
Melania Trump has not been seen in public since May 10, the day before she began a six-day stay at Walter Reed Military Hospital for what her office called a "procedure" for a "benign kidney condition." Second lady Karen Pence has filled in for her at some events, and today she was absent from the president's side when he spoke at Arlington National Cemetery for Memorial Day.

Republican Shenanigans

Roseanne Barr, busy today? I think you need to attend the Starbucks racial-bias education seminar. - Erik Bransteen

TMZ & Trump
When the Access Hollywood tape of Donald Trump emerged in the home stretch of the 2016 election, it should have been a gift from the tabloid gods for TMZ.
Instead, the celebrity gossip website went into overdrive to help Trump.

The good news: 8,000 Starbucks stores shut today for anti-bias trainingThe bad news: When Caucasians start to riot because no access to soy lattes. - John Fugelsang

For those upset about the Ivanka's baby pic, relax--the next Trump family photo will be a collection of mugshots.- Erik Bransteen

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Whenever you feel like we’re falling backward, or that our progress is being undone, remember what Coretta Scott King told us so long ago: The fight for civil rights, the fight for justice, the fight for equality must be fought and won with each generation. - Kamala Harris

Rock The Voter News

Why Does God Talk To Stupid People?
Louisiana televangelist seeks $54 million for private jet so he can avoid ‘demons’ who infest commercial flights.

The NYTimes reacts with surprise that Hillary supporters are angry at how they tilted their coverage to favor Trump. Maybe bc they spent the last 2 years interviewing Trump voters and exactly no years interviewing the majority group disenfranchised by his illegitimate election.- Kate Hess

Why Are Investigations Into JFK & RFK's Assassinations Are Fraught With Errors?
Robert Kennedy Jr. had a three-hour prison meeting in California with his father’s convicted killer and left convinced a new investigation into the murder is needed, he told The Washington Post.

Strange how people who claimed Hillary Clinton was trafficking imaginary children in the back room of a pizza parlor don't seem to care very much about real kids being lost & presumed now in the hands of actual human traffickers. - Amanda Guinzburg

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Business/Tech News

The NFL is 80% black. They profit off of Black Lives but can't kneel or stand up for black lives. The nerve they got telling Black people they can't protest against their own oppression. - SJPeace

Starbucks' CEO Points Finger At Trump
Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said on Tuesday that President Trump's rhetoric on race is partly to blame for the country's "racial divide."
Schultz said he believes the president has given people license to copy the "behavior and language that comes out of this administration," in an interview with CNN Tuesday.

California has the fourth largest economy in the world, the largest surplus of any state, clean air and historically low crime.

Guess who controls every branch of government?

Democrats.-Mikel Jollett

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Friday, May 25, 2018

Yo Yo Diplomacy

Trump teases that summit with Kim may be back on
President Donald Trump and his aides are hinting that his historic sit-down with Kim Jong Un may still happen, just one day after Trump sent a blunt letter to the North Korean leader calling it off.

President Trump canceled his summit with Kim Jong Un, saying it’s because of Kim’s "open hostility." Trump said, "I will not tolerate hostility from a fat-faced little Rocket Man."- Conan O'Brien

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

Sorry. To get white evangelicals to care about 1,475 missing migrant children, we're going to have to describe them as fertilized eggs.- LOLGOP

This Is How Low Trump Will Go. What Happened To America?
The Trump administration called immigrant children future criminals on the same day Border Patrol was accused of sexually and physically abusing child detainees.

Don't it seem odd that Kim Jong Un is lettin' American reporters into North Korea, but Scott Pruitt is bannin' 'em from EPA meetings? - Tea Pain

Republican Shenanigans

Although the N.F.L. has long banned substances such as anabolic steroids and growth hormones, the First Amendment is believed to be the only right guaranteed by the Constitution to be included on the list. - Andy Borowitz

Collusion Is Asking A Foreign Power To Interfere In An Election Or Is It?
Donald Trump’s former campaign adviser Roger Stone pressured an acquaintance to ask WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange for “damaging” emails on Hillary Clinton during the 2016 U.S. presidential campaign, The Wall Street Journal reported Thursday.

Paul Ryan who fights to cut social security and raise the retirement age to 70 is retiring at the age of 48. He used social security benefits to pay for college and will now get a full pension! @SpeakerRyan America’s hypocrite! - irishygirl

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Once again, Donald Trump has spent all morning peddling his conspiracy theories and lies all over Twitter like the deranged moron we’ve all come to despise. With every word, you can literally see his fear. Perhaps the downfall of Harvey Weinstein struck a cord? - Ricky Davila

Rock The Voter News

A short message for @realDonaldTrump: Mexico is still not paying for that #FuckingWall. - Vicente Fox Quesada, Former president of Mexico

Nancy, Nancy, Wherefore Art Thou, Nancy?
...“I love the National Anthem … and I love the First Amendment and I’ll just leave it that.”
Nancy Pelosi declines to take a position on the NFL anthem ruling, but says she wishes the players had been a bigger part of the decision

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Business/Tech News

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders, in an interview with the “failing New York Times,” said being called a liar bothers her. Which, I don't know. I know this might sound crazy, but — have you considered maybe not lying all the time? - Jimmy Kimmel