All Hat No Cattle

Monday, June 12, 2017

Everyday, I just keep thinking to myself, this can't be real.

NBC and Megyn Kelly taking heat over upcoming Alex Jones' interview
Megyn Kelly and NBC are facing criticism for an upcoming TV interview with the controversial radio host Alex Jones..

Dear citizens of the U.K.: if it's any consolation, your sh*tshow isn't half the sh*tshow that our sh*tshow is. - Andy Borowitz

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam Trump

I worry that Trump's constant Twitter attacks on James Comey are affecting his ability to attack Rosie O'Donnell. - Andy Borowitz

Now How Will This Make Things Better?
Israel will reduce electricity supplies to the Gaza Strip after the Palestinian Authority limited how much it pays for power to the enclave run by Hamas, Israeli officials said on Monday.

Despite Comey’s testimony, a White House spokesperson said it was a regular Thursday at the White House. America was like, “Yeah, that’s what worries us. “ - Jimmy Fallon

Meanwhile, The Other Dictator With Bad Hair....
North Korea says it is "not far away" from test-firing an intercontinental ballistic missile that could strike the United States.

Trump wakes up every morning and says, "Today I'll act like a president." But then his thumbs say, "Oh, no, you won't." - Conan O-Brien

Republican Shenanigans

Because of his widespread unpopularity, Donald Trump will not be allowed to visit Britain. In other news, I am moving to Britain. - Andy Borowitz

I Think Paris Hilton Is Smarter Than Ivanka Trump
Ivanka Trump said Monday she is surprised by the "viciousness" of the media covering her father's presidency, referring to the growing "cloud" of distractions resulting from the Russia probe.

I will admit the Comey hearing felt like six hours of being out with a friend telling me his very detailed side of break-up. - John Fugelsang

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A big heat wave is expected to hit New York City this weekend. They say that we’ll be sweating like Trump while he watched the James Comey hearing. - Jimmy Fallon

Rock The Voter News

The woman who won the nomination has to shut up and go away, while the man she soundly defeated is the future of the party. Got it. - Peter Daou

Imagine Ass Kissing Trump. Here, I'll Help, Read Below.
President Donald Trump invited his top employees to shower him with compliments on Monday. They happily obliged, one-by-one, on live television.
During a Cabinet meeting at the White House, the president touted the “record-setting pace” of his legislative agenda and claimed “never has there been a president, with few exceptions” who has accomplished more while in office.

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Business/Tech News

Trump said today that he would never demand loyalty from someone he just met. However, he would grab their genitals. - Andy Borowitz

Ikea & NASA?
Setting up Ikea furniture may be difficult, but it's not rocket science … or is it? Thanks to a new collaboration between NASA and the Swedish furniture store, the two challenges may not be so different after all.

Former FBI Director Comey testified that he met privately with President Trump on February 14th. This is good news for everyone who thought THEY had the worst Valentine’s Day ever. - Conan O'Brien

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The last donation was 4 days ago. Thank you!

FUNDRAISER

Friday, June 9, 2017

Dept. of Justice Says Comey Lied Under Oath About...wait for it....EMAILS

Department of Justice Issues Statement on Testimony of Former FBI Director James Comey
...In his testimony, Mr. Comey stated that he was “not *** aware of” “any kind of memorandum issued from the Attorney General or the Department of Justice to the FBI outlining the parameters of [the Attorney General’s] recusal.” However, on March 2, 2017, the Attorney General’s Chief of Staff sent the attached email specifically informing Mr. Comey and other relevant Department officials of the recusal and its parameters, and advising that each of them instruct their staff “not to brief the Attorney General *** about, or otherwise involve the Attorney General *** in, any such matters described.”

My my my Comey lied about the Dept. of Justice notifying him of AG Sessions recusal procedures. But why? Will the DOJ go after Comey now? They have him dead to rights lying.

The current White House cover-up is what Watergate would have been if Nixon had had no attention span and an IQ of 70. - Andy Borowitz

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam Trump

We DONT NEED Trump "Fans" to flip, we need the 45% of America who didnt bother voting TO CARE NOW!! Thats how I see it ending! - some guy on twitter

Have Instagram? Russian Hackers Like It Too.
Hackers associated with the Russian government used Instagram to control malware used in attacks, according to a new report.
Researchers at Eset found that Turla, a well-known group believed to be affiliated with Russian intelligence, designed a malicious extension for the FireFox web browser to allow malware on a victim's computer to communicate with the hackers over the photo-sharing social network.

Trump told Comey “he had nothing to do with Russia, had not been involved with hookers in Russia, and always assumed he was being recorded when in Russia.” I love that he denied being involved with hookers in Russia. Let me tell you, Bill Clinton must be laughing his ass off right now. - Jimmy Kimmel

Republican Shenanigans

You ppl don't get it. Trump stealing $ from a kid's cancer charity is just ordinary locker room stealing $ from a kid's cancer charity.- John Fugelsang

The Loosey Goosey White House
The Office of Special Counsel (OSC) has issued a warning to White House social media director Dan Scavino for using Twitter to interfere with an election.

Your parents don't name you "Jefferson Beauregard" in Alabama unless they're really really really fond of the way things used to be. - John Fugelsang

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Today is Vice President Mike Pence’s 58th birthday. But the White House is going to leave the decorations up all week so they can also celebrate Pence’s inauguration. - Jimmy Fallon

Rock The Voter News

I don't know what was up with John McCain but I'm pretty sure Hillary Clinton didn't collude with the Russians to hack herself & elect Trump. - Brian Klaas

NY Attorney General Is Now Probing Eric Trump
The New York attorney general, which has been investigating the Donald J. Trump Foundation for months, is now looking into the Eric Trump Foundation, after a report in Forbes exposed practices that seem to violate state laws.
“The attorney general's office is looking into the issues raised by this report," said Eric Soufer, the communications director for the New York state attorney general.

Obama visited George and Amal Clooney at their home in the U.K. right before Amal gave birth to their twins. Man, I knew Obamacare was good — but didn’t know he actually showed up to deliver your babies! - Jimmy Fallon

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Business/Tech News

Now, all in all, Comey says he spoke with Trump nine times in four months. In contrast, he spoke with President Obama only twice during his entire tenure, “once in 2015 to discuss law enforcement policy issues, and a second time, briefly, for him to say good-bye in late 2016.” Oh, and a third time a couple weeks ago when he asked if I wanted to just say “screw it” and go hang out with him and Oprah on Richard Branson’s yacht. - Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile, Republicans Are Performing The Smoke & Mirrors Dance Concerning ACA
In their effort to revamp the nation's health-care system, Senate Republicans are considering preserving or more gradually eliminating key elements of the Affordable Care Act that the House voted to discard, creating an uncomfortable political ...

"I think the thing to do is enjoy the ride while you're on it." – Johnny Depp, who turns 54 today

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FUNDRAISER

Thank you!

Thursday, June 8, 2017

The ALL Comey Edition Today

Comey Accuses White House Of 'Lies, Plain And Simple'
Former FBI Director James Comey told the Senate Intelligence Committee Thursday morning that he was "confused" and "increasingly concerned" about the "shifting explanations" President Trump gave for his firing just over a ...

I watched the entire testimony of Comey. I believed him except for the Hillary digs. I'm surprised Trump hasn't arrested Comey for admitting to leaks.

After listening to Comey today and Trump for last 4 and a half months, I have a clear opinion on which one is the actual "nut job." - Stephen King

If Trump had been marched away in hand cuffs today, Fox News would have reported, "Trump receives new jewelry from Dept of Justice!" - Tea Pain

McCain Couldn't Gather His Thoughts. Really.
The strangest moment of the nearly three-hour Senate intelligence committee hearing featuring testimony from fired FBI Director James Comey came at the very end. And it came courtesy of a somewhat-unlikely source: Arizona Sen. John McCain.

Just checked the Constitution to see if Trump is impeached that McCain doesn’t somehow take over. We’re good. - Andy Borowitz

It's a conehead haircut, what's it to ya?

Trey Gowdy Who Chaired Failed Benghazi Investigation Is Chosen To Head Probe Of Trump
The Republican Steering Committee on Thursday backed Rep. Trey Gowdy to become the next chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee.
The move — if confirmed by the full Republican Conference — would put the South Carolina Republican at the helm of a contentious probe into President Donald Trump's decision to fire FBI Director James Comey. Gowdy, a former federal prosecutor, is known for chairing the House Benghazi investigation...

White House on Lockdown After Television is Hurled Out Window. - Andy Borowitz

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If it seems as if Trump's lawyer has no idea what he's talking about, just remember: Trump's lawyer is a real estate attorney. - Jeff Tiedrich

Trump's Lawyer Blames Comey
President Trump's outside lawyer flatly denied that the president ever asked former FBI Director James Comey for a pledge of loyalty, and he accused Comey of disclosing privileged communications with the president to the news media, without authorization.

The WH kept Trump off Twitter during Comey’s testimony. I’m guessing they hid his phone in a salad. - Chelsea Handler

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Walmart Fashionista, Sarah Huckabee Sanders Says The President Is Not A Liar
The White House has declined to answer most questions about former FBI Director James Comey's testimony, except this one: Is the president a liar? The question was prompted after Comey said on Thursday during his testimony that he feared the president ...