All Hat No Cattle: Everyday, I just keep thinking to myself, this can't be real.

NBC and Megyn Kelly taking heat over upcoming Alex Jones' interview
Megyn Kelly and NBC are facing criticism for an upcoming TV interview with the controversial radio host Alex Jones..

Dear citizens of the U.K.: if it's any consolation, your sh*tshow isn't half the sh*tshow that our sh*tshow is. - Andy Borowitz

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam Trump

I worry that Trump's constant Twitter attacks on James Comey are affecting his ability to attack Rosie O'Donnell. - Andy Borowitz

Now How Will This Make Things Better?
Israel will reduce electricity supplies to the Gaza Strip after the Palestinian Authority limited how much it pays for power to the enclave run by Hamas, Israeli officials said on Monday.

Despite Comey’s testimony, a White House spokesperson said it was a regular Thursday at the White House. America was like, “Yeah, that’s what worries us. “ - Jimmy Fallon

Meanwhile, The Other Dictator With Bad Hair....
North Korea says it is "not far away" from test-firing an intercontinental ballistic missile that could strike the United States.

Trump wakes up every morning and says, "Today I'll act like a president." But then his thumbs say, "Oh, no, you won't." - Conan O-Brien

Republican Shenanigans

Because of his widespread unpopularity, Donald Trump will not be allowed to visit Britain. In other news, I am moving to Britain. - Andy Borowitz

I Think Paris Hilton Is Smarter Than Ivanka Trump
Ivanka Trump said Monday she is surprised by the "viciousness" of the media covering her father's presidency, referring to the growing "cloud" of distractions resulting from the Russia probe.

I will admit the Comey hearing felt like six hours of being out with a friend telling me his very detailed side of break-up. - John Fugelsang

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A big heat wave is expected to hit New York City this weekend. They say that we’ll be sweating like Trump while he watched the James Comey hearing. - Jimmy Fallon

Rock The Voter News

The woman who won the nomination has to shut up and go away, while the man she soundly defeated is the future of the party. Got it. - Peter Daou

Imagine Ass Kissing Trump. Here, I'll Help, Read Below.
President Donald Trump invited his top employees to shower him with compliments on Monday. They happily obliged, one-by-one, on live television.
During a Cabinet meeting at the White House, the president touted the “record-setting pace” of his legislative agenda and claimed “never has there been a president, with few exceptions” who has accomplished more while in office.

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Business/Tech News

Trump said today that he would never demand loyalty from someone he just met. However, he would grab their genitals. - Andy Borowitz

Ikea & NASA?
Setting up Ikea furniture may be difficult, but it's not rocket science … or is it? Thanks to a new collaboration between NASA and the Swedish furniture store, the two challenges may not be so different after all.

Former FBI Director Comey testified that he met privately with President Trump on February 14th. This is good news for everyone who thought THEY had the worst Valentine’s Day ever. - Conan O'Brien