All Hat No Cattle

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

Stocks rise at Biden victories, central banks calm anxious investors

Stocks rise at Biden victories, central banks calm anxious investors
Stocks on Wednesday boasted solid gains after a string of major Democratic primary victories for former Vice President Joe Biden and a flood of global central bank stimulus.

Tuesday’s results are stunning. Biden won many states without ANY campaign spending. This is not "rigged," sorry, Bros, it's called democracy. - Frank Schaeffer

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

Trump Screams At Pence For Not Praying Hard Enough To Make Biden Lose. - Andy Borowitz

What Are They Hiding Now? Trump Bans Press From Using Audio or Video During Coronavirus Briefings.
Five days after the Trump administration promised to be “aggressively transparent” about its response to the coronavirus outbreak, the White House ignited backlash and condemnation after it banned the press from any audio or video recording of its latest briefing on the public health crisis.

The best way for the White House to keep Americans from panicking about the Coronavirus is to stop putting Mike Pence on television. - Andy Borowitz

Republican Shenanigans

If I were Donald Trump, I'd be worried that people are willing to stand in line for seven hours to choose my opponent. - Middle Age Riot

Raise Your Glass That This Biden Investigation Is As Successful As Benghazi!
Just hours after Joe Biden surged to the top of the Democratic presidential pack, Senate Republicans announced a new phase of their investigation targeting the former vice president and his son Hunter.
Senate Homeland Security Committee Chairman Ron Johnson (R-Wis.) told reporters on Wednesday that he is likely to release an interim report within one to two months on his panel’s probe of Hunter Biden’s ties to a Ukrainian gas company, Burisma.

White House On Lockdown After Television Hurled Through Window. - Andy Borowitz

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Many online Bernie supporters truly never realized candidates were going to drop out at some point and Bernie would need their support. - The Hoarse Whisperer

Rock The Voter News

Secret Service Protection Suggested For Biden and Sanders
The former press secretary for President Obama on Wednesday called for the Secret Service to protect Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) and former Vice President Joe Biden after protesters rushed Biden’s stage Tuesday night.

Michael Bloomberg is out after spending $500,000,000 to win American Samoa.
To put that in perspective, that's about 75% of the entire GDP of American Samoa. - Nick Jack Pappas

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Business/Tech News

There is not a liberal America and a conservative America - there is the United States of America. - Barack Obama

Can Twitter Make Trump's Tweets Disappear?
Twitter may join Snapchat and Instagram and soon have social media posts that disappear.
The social network said Wednesday it is testing a new feature for tweets that last 24 hours before vanishing — an idea the company is calling “fleets,” as in fleeting tweets, and that echoes the popular “stories” features on Snapchat, Instagram and Facebook.

Yeah, no, sorry. Not gonna do "My Corona." - Al Yankovic

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I'd Rather You Laugh Than Cry

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Happy Super Tuesday

Super Tuesday heralds an epic Democratic Party clash
It’s Bernie’s revolutionary zeal pit against Biden’s calls for restoration.

Democrats are throwing their support to a Democrat. This is an outrage. - Kona Lowell

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

If you’re happy and you know it... wash your hands. - Dan Rather

At Least It's Not The Andromeda Strain
Up to a million people could be tested for coronavirus by the end of week, the FDA said Monday, as cases across the US rose to more than 100 and health officials warned that the number will keep climbing.
Cases of the virus have now been reported in 12 states -- the majority of them in California and Washington state, where six people have died.
About a quarter of the current cases were likely transmitted through US communities, officials have said, meaning they were not travel-related.

I was at a hospital where there were a few #coronavirus patients and I shook hands with everybody. - Boris Johnson, Prime Minister of the UK

REPORT: Outbreak of idiocy spreading 10,000 times faster than the coronavirus. - TheBeaverton.com

Republican Shenanigans

NEW: Right now there is a caravan of Hunter Bidens forming on the Mexico/US Border.

Developing. - YS tweet

The Biden Bounce
Late-breaking polls of Super Tuesday states show former Vice President Joe Biden making big gains following his decisive victory in South Carolina and a flood of endorsements from former rivals eager to stop Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.).

Whether you choose to accept it or not, America is now a effectively a fascist dictatorship. The American voters are the Allied Forces ready to storm the beaches of our electoral Normandy and take our country back from a despotic, white nationalist regime. - Tea Pain

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Trump is the third president to be impeached and the first president who, after being impeached, doesn’t know how impeachment works. - Windsor Mann tweet

Rock The Voter News

President Trump has sent more tweets in 2020 about "Mini Mike" (44) than Coronavirus (33), and that includes retweets. - Tamara Keith, NPR

I Have Always Called This Show: SPITBALL
In light of Chris Matthews’ sudden retirement announcement from his longtime MSNBC’s program Hardball, Twitter responded with admiration and criticism for the host.
Matthews, who made an abrupt retirement announcement Monday night on the network stating, “After conversations with MSNBC, I decided tonight would be my last Hardball.”

All I want from these coronavirus updates is some reassurance that all the rich people are going to be OK. - Rex Huppke

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Business/Tech News

A lot of cheap flights right now, and part of me thinks, if im going to get the coronavirus, I might as well get it in a deeply discounted 5 star hotel in Venice. - Ben Dreyfus

Federal Reserve Announces Cut: Stock Market Drops Like A Rock
The Federal Reserve announced today that it is cutting interest rates by half a percentage point, an emergency move designed to bolster the U.S. economy amid risks posed by the coronavirus outbreak.
"The fundamentals of the U.S. economy remain strong," the Fed's rate-setting committee said in a statement on the cut, which is twice the size of the central bank's typical rate moves, signaling a strong desire to reassure markets. "However, the coronavirus poses evolving risks to economic activity."

I think my uber driver has colognavirus. - Blaine Capatch

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I'd Rather You Laugh Than Cry

Monday, March 2, 2020

Amy Klobuchar will end 2020 presidential campaign and endorse Joe Biden

Amy Klobuchar will end 2020 presidential campaign and endorse Joe Biden
Sen. Amy Klobuchar will end her presidential bid on Monday and endorse Joe Biden, a campaign aide tells CNN.
The Klobuchar campaign confirmed that the senator is flying to Dallas to join the former vice president at his rally, where she will suspend her campaign and give her endorsement on the eve of Super Tuesday.

Tulsi Gabbard's Nine Supporters Urge Her To Drop Out Of Race. - Andy Borowitz

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

Kim Jong-Un's Wife Escapes North Korea In Long-Range Missile. - The Onion

Lordy, Texas Closed 750 Polling Stations
Last year, Texas led the US south in an unenviable statistic: closing down the most polling stations, making it more difficult for people to vote and arguably benefiting Republicans.
A report by civil rights group The Leadership Conference Education Fund found that 750 polls had been closed statewide since 2012.

The NRA reminds you all these massacres are due to mentally ill people.
Oh, and mentally ill people have a right to always have easy access to guns.
That too. - John Fugelsang

Bernie responds to the Klobuchar news by saying “the establishment” is getting nervous because “the working class” is coalescing behind him.
Who does he think just voted against him by 30 points in South Carolina.
I guess there are no working class people in SC. - The Hoarse Whisperer

Republican Shenanigans

Hard to believe there was ever a world leader as dumb as Donald Trump. Can’t spell, can’t read, has never managed anything approaching an original thought. His brain is like a radio playing at top volume, but between stations. - Stephen King

Hunt Resumes of Hunter Biden
Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Chairman Ron Johnson (R-Wis.) is planning to force a vote on the first subpoena related to his probe involving Burisma and former Vice President Joe Biden's son, Hunter Biden.

Pence To Be Replaced By Startled Deer. - Andy Borowitz

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The #CDC is warning us not to touch our faces. And if you’re a member of the GOP, I think it best that you shouldn’t touch either of yours. - Bette Midler

Rock The Voter News

I feel bad for Mayor Pete. Based on the age of some of his opponents, he has only ten more chances to run for President over the next forty years. - Frank Conniff

Drive-By Voting: Avoid Coronavirus
Officials in some states with upcoming primaries are encouraging more people to avoid in-person polling sites amid heightened worries about the spread of coronavirus in the United States. Some are even increasing the opportunity for drive-by voting on Super Tuesday.

Imagine arguing before the Supreme Court that people should lose health care this week. - Schooley tweet

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Business/Tech News

Republicans Projected To Pick Up Seventy Seats In Prison. - Andy Borowitz

Will Twitter Be Forced To Take Conservative View?
A massive private equity firm has taken on a large stake in Twitter with a clear goal reportedly in mind: kicking company CEO Jack Dorsey to the curb.
Bloomberg late on Friday was the first to report that Elliott Management Corp. acquired a "sizable" amount of Twitter shares in order to push for changes in the firm.

A large field with moderates splitting the vote was Bernie’s dream race.

A small field with Warren splitting his support is Bernie’s nightmare scenario.

This entire race flipped upside down in three days. - The Hoarse Whisperer

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I'd Rather You Laugh Than Cry