All Hat No Cattle

Monday, May 20, 2019

It has been 59 days since Mueller turned in his report. Just sayin...

Trump freaks out over Deutsche Bank money-laundering bombshell in early morning tweetstorm
President Donald Trump lashed out against reporting about his suspicious transactions flagged by Deutsche Bank as potential money laundering.

Trump is destroying our spirit with yet another distraction from his illegal actions by threatening war with Iran. He does what he wants with no consequences. He is destroying our faith in the rule of law because he is proudly flaunting his criminality every single day. Impeachment is too easy on him, he needs to be arrested today.

Trump Threatens Deutsche Bank To Take His Money Laundering Business Elsewhere - Andy Borowitz

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

The fault lies with the Iranians, not the United States or any other nation.

If the Iranian threats against American personnel and interests are activated we must deliver an overwhelming military response.

Stand firm Mr. President. - Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

One Lone Republican Mentions Impeachment
Efforts to impeach President Donald Trump crossed an important threshold on Saturday after a Republican member of Congress admitted that Trump has “engaged in impeachable conduct.”

Nation Baffled By Unexpected Appearance of Republican With Conscience - Andy Borowitz

Republican Shenanigans

Of course Alabama excluded rape and incest. It's called the Roy Moore Amendment. - Real Fake POTUS tweet

I Would Think U.S. Servicemen Would Protect Fellow U.S. Servicewomen. Instead, RAPE LISTS. My God.
Servicemen on the second submarine in the U.S. Navy to integrate female officers and sailors with its male crew kept ranked “rape lists” of the women, triggering fears for their safety, a military investigation found.
The lists were shared on the USS Florida, a guided-missile submarine, where investigators found that “lewd and sexist comments and jokes were tolerated, and trust up and down the chain of command was nonexistent,”

Unborn Children In Alabama Wonder Why Concern About Sanctity of Life Does Not Include Gun Control - Andy Borowitz

FYI: Colorado offered free birth control — and teen abortions fell by 42%

5th Child Dies In Detention. Shut Down These Hell Holes. Somebody? Please.
The death of a 16-year-old from Guatemala at a Border Patrol Station in Texas marks the fifth death of a detained migrant child since December.

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So are you telling me that when Roe v Wade is finally overturned, the deciding vote will be cast by the guy who was so blackout drunk all through high school that he can't remember which women he sexually assaulted? good f*cking job, America - Jeff Tiedrich

Rock The Voter News

Donald Trump inherited the gift of an Obama-Biden economy, just like he inherited everything else in life. - Joe Biden

Update On One Lone Republican
In a tweet storm posted on Monday afternoon, Republican Justin Amash issued a point-by-point takedown of all the arguments Republicans have made to shield Trump from impeachment.

Mayor Pete gets standing O from carefully selected Fox studio audience.Fox and Friends spends next morning lighting him on fire.Sucker. - Charles P. Pierce

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The links between Deutsche Bank, Justice Anthony Kennedy and his son, and Donald Trump, along with Brett Kavanaugh, need to be explored fully. Maybe we have a series of coincidences here. But maybe we do not. - Norman Ornstein

Business/Tech News

In response to changing attitudes under Trump, Hallmark has released a new line of No Sympathy cards, including

- Sorry/Not Sorry Your Mom Was Deported

- Too Bad About Your Preexisting Condition

- So What If Tariffs Bankrupted Your Business?

- You're Having Your Rapist's Baby LOL

-Middle Age Riot

Danske Bank & Russian Money Laundering
Money laundering is the way clever crooks hide and eventually spend all of the money they have stolen. And this is a tale about what's believed to be the biggest money-laundering scheme in history.

I had no idea you could just tell Congress “no.” Good luck getting me to pay that parking ticket, City of Santa Monica. - Conan O'Brien

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Fabulous Fundraiser

Friday, May 17, 2019

Today's special is...

Michael Flynn told Mueller's team White House, congressional officials tried to influence his cooperation
Former White House national security adviser Michael Flynn told the special counsel's office that people connected to the Trump administration and Congress sought to influence his cooperation with the Russia investigation, and he provided a voicemail recording of one such communication, prosecutors said in a court filing made public Thursday.

FYI: Barack Obama personally warned Donald Trump not to hire Flynn. So did Sally Yates and James Comey and probably the chef who makes him hamberders.

I can just hear Sarah Slanders: "We're aware of that report, we don't really put much stock in a false accusation by an admitted liar." - Suave Hellion tweet

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

Bleeding John Bolton Stumbles Into Capitol Building Claiming That Iran Shot Him - The Onion

We have to affirm that torture, physical and psychological, is wrong and will not be tolerated—whether it happens in a prison in Syria or in a cage on our southern border. - Hillary Clinton

I Wonder How Long It Will Be Before Trump Attacks Biden's Dead Son
Former Vice President Joe Biden, who is leading the pack of 2020 Democratic presidential candidates, has been buoyed by a message that he is the candidate best able to defeat President Donald Trump in a general election, and a new poll lends additional weight to that assumption.

Never forget, Trump fired Flynn for lying 2 weeks after Trump fired Sally Yates for telling the truth. - John Fugelsang

Republican Shenanigans

Americans would feel safer if huge caravan of angry white men left the country. - Andy Borowitz

I Wonder If Republican Rep. Jim Jordan Knew
Investigators say at least 177 male students were sexually abused by an Ohio State team doctor who died in 2005. The report concludes personnel had knowledge of complaints and concerns about the doctor's conduct as early as 1979.

Excited for Alabama to become the first all-male state in America. - Rex Huppke

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Rock The Voter News

One of my Republican colleagues admitted this week that Leader McConnell is blocking all legislation aimed at securing elections.
Foreign adversaries are already gearing up to target our next elections. This is an absurd level of irresponsibility - the time to get ready is now. - Kamala Harris

New Jersey Is Busy With New Trump Investigation
New Jersey’s attorney general is investigating an effort to raise money for President Donald Trump’s inauguration involving two current U.S. ambassadors.

Trump’s immigration plan seems designed to keep his relatives out.

“Must be highly skilled”

His mother was a maid with little education. Melania took her clothes off.

“Must obey law”

Melania worked in US illegally.

“No relatives”

The only way Melania’s parents got in. - Mrs. Betty Bowers

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Hard to believe the guy who conned people into electing him on the promise that Mexico would pay for a wall is now getting away with telling people China is paying the tariffs that we're paying for. - Rex Huppke

Business/Tech News

Walmart Expands Headquarters To Attract Talent
Walmart on Friday revealed details for an expansive new headquarters in Bentonville, Arkansas — referred to as the home office — as the retailer seeks to attract top talent in a technology-driven world.
For the first time, Walmart is sharing renderings that it says have a "very different look and feel" from its present home on the corner of S.W. 8th Street and Walton Boulevard. The sprawling campus will sit on more than 300 acres, and is expected to feature an array of amenities for employees.

Pence Vows to Carry On Grumpy Cat's Legacy - Andy Borowitz

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FABULOUS FUNDRAISER

Thursday, May 16, 2019

'Did you bring your handcuffs?' Attorney General Barr asks Speaker Pelosi

'Did you bring your handcuffs?' Attorney General Barr asks Speaker Pelosi
As the showdown between congressional Democrats and the Trump administration drags on, Attorney General William Barr and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi crossed paths at the U.S. Capitol for a few memorable moments on Wednesday, when Barr attempted to score a few political points at Pelosi's expense.

At the end of the story, Foxy Loxy cons Chicken Little and ends up eating him.

Totally hypothetical question: should a President go to prison if he has paid for an abortion? - Andy Borowitz

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

Maybe the only good thing that happened this week was a growing realization that the war on women, voter suppression and mass incarceration all feed off each other.

The problem is conservatives figured this out 40+ years ago. - LOLGOP

Trump Can't Fire This Critic
As the Trump administration draws up war plans against Iran over what it says are threats to US troops and interests, a senior British military official told reporters at the Pentagon on Tuesday that he saw no increased risk from Iran or allied militias in Iraq or Syria.

Only in America could abortions get banned faster than assault rifles. - George Takei

Republican Shenanigans

Woman Walking Alone At Night Picks Up Pace After Spotting Truck Full Of Alabama Lawmakers Slowly Following Her - The Onion

Farmers Got Screwed By Trump, Again. Not By China But By Bad Brazilian Bros!
The Trump administration has forked over more than $62 million — taxpayer cash that was supposed to be earmarked for struggling American farmers — to a massive meatpacking company owned by a couple of corrupt Brazilian brothers.

“There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women." - Madeleine Albright

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I think Christian moms who abort their 14-year-old LGBT kids from their homes should go to prison for 99 years. - Ally Maynard tweet

Rock The Voter News

Grateful to Planned Parenthood for continuing to provide essential services in Alabama and elsewhere while helping to fight the state legislative bans on women’s human and constitutional rights. - Hillary Clinton tweet

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This is what for-profit healthcare looks like:
Every year in America, lack of insurance causes 45 000 deaths and 646 000 bankruptcies. Meanwhile, healthcare CEOs celebrate their record-breaking salaries.
No other developed country on Earth allows this. - Tuxedo Mask tweet

Business/Tech News

Pfizer Denies Encouraging Drug Abuse By Packaging Fentanyl With Cooking Spoon, Lighter - The Onion

Grifters Gonna Grift
As President Donald Trump resists Democrats' efforts to examine his business and tax records, a new personal financial disclosure report filed with the federal Office of Government Ethics and released Thursday shows how the president has continued raking in a steady stream of revenue from his global businesses since taking office.