All Hat No Cattle: The president: "National emergency. Two very big words.”

Trump declares national emergency in latest bid to combat coronavirus
Trump said the move would free up $50 billion in additional funding, and give officials new authority to speed up coronavirus testing and care.

Deliberately lying about a health crisis resulting in additional deaths sure seems like a high crime or misdemeanor to me. - The Hoarse Whisperer

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

South Korea has tested 200,000 people for coronavirus, prioritizing the most vulnerable people.

The CDC only tested 77 people this week. Yet, the Utah Jazz was able to test all 58 players in a matter of hours. - Sawyer Hackett

Feds Gave California 8,000 Faulty COVID-19 Test Kits. Jesus.
California’s ability to test people for COVID-19, the disease caused by the new coronavirus, has been limited by incomplete test kits provided by the federal government, the state’s governor said Thursday.
So far only about 1,500 people have been tested in the state, Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) said in a press conference. While the state government has 8,000 test kits available, the kits have not all included every necessary component to actually perform the test for COVID-19, Newsom said.

By the end of his first term, Donald Trump will have killed more Americans with his incompetence than Russia and middle eastern terrorists could ever dream of. - Edan Clay

Republican Shenanigans

BREAKING: The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out. - Gillian Turner

Is there anything more poetic than Trump being taken out by a Chinese Flu named after a Mexican beer?

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Stock Market Rallies On News That Trump Has Laryngitis. - Andy Borowitz

Rock The Voter News

Boomer Remover?

Hey I have an idea, let's give control of the national healthcare system over to a bunch of folks who think it's funny when old people die. - Willie Everstop

So good to see we've reached the "WHAT ABOUT OBAMA [insert lie here]" phase of our national health emergency. - Jeff Tiedrich

Louisiana Postpones Primary
Louisiana postpones primary as states scramble to adjust to coronavirus. It's the first primary to be postponed since the outbreak of the virus. Four states voting this Tuesday say they will continue as planned.

We must suspend mortgage payments and evictions nationwide. - Sen. Ed Markey

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Email

Why does your new page come out so late in the day? I usually try to look at it around 4 PM EST, it gets later everyday.

HD

Hi HD,
Lordy, deep apologies for your humor inconvenience. Better late than never, don't ya think? 😉

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America must've said somethin' about this virus's momma. This sh*t took out baseball, Disneyland and Tom Hanks in 24 hours. - George Wallace

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I need someone to explain to me why we can immediately approve $1.5 trillion for Wall Street but not for free coronavirus testing and paid sick leave.

Explain it to me like I’m in kindergarten. - Andrea Junker

Business/Tech News

If you’re upset about regular folk hoarding toilet paper, wait till you hear about how a tiny percentage of rich people have hoarded most of the world’s wealth. - Jason Reid

Meanwhile, Russia-Saudi Oil War Escalates
Saudi Arabia is flooding markets with oil at prices as low as $25 per barrel, specifically targeting big refiners of Russian oil in Europe and Asia, in an escalation of its fight with Moscow for market share, five trading sources said on Friday.