All Hat No Cattle: Palins describe brawl in police recordings

Palins describe brawl in police recordings
Editor's note: The audio mentioned below, obtained by CNN from police records, contains strong language.
Washington (CNN) -- Bristol Palin describes being dragged through the grass and called a series of obscenities during a massive brawl last month in recordings of Anchorage police interviews that CNN obtained through a public records request.

My Gawd, after listening to the police recording of the brawl, the Palins need a good bar of soap to wash out their mouths. Good parenting matters, just ask Chelsea Clinton and Sasha and Milia Obama.

The Palin Family asks that you respect their privacy as they continue their attention-seeking.- LOLGOP

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam

We should react to a terrorist attack as Canada does -- with universal health care, zero abortion restrictions and same-sex marriage.- LOLGOP

New Ebola Measures Include Questionnaire, Which Has Questionable Questions
U.S. health officials unveiled new measures on Wednesday to carry out Ebola monitoring on anyone entering the country from the three nations at the center of a West African epidemic, increasing precautions to stop the spread of the virus.

Looks like they're working out the Ebola situation. The CDC has released new guidelines about what healthcare workers should wear to protect themselves when treating Ebola patients. For starters, this Halloween they've outlawed the slutty hazmat suit.- Conan O'Brien

Republican Shenanigans

Do Conservatives Have Frigging Editors? I Know, Stupid Question.
Conservative commentator Dana Loesch's new book Hands Off My Gun: Defeating the Plot to Disarm America includes spurious quotes from George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and other Founding Fathers, despite the fact that it purports to teach readers about "the history of the Second Amendment."

The people who always told me pot makes you lazy & lethargic are now telling me it made Michael Brown violent.- John Fugelsang

Conservatism A.K.A. Microscopic Brain Disease
Conservatives are outraged over what they claim, mistakenly, to be evidence of massive voter fraud being perpetrated in Arizona, The Daily Dot reports.

Rock The Voter News

Modern TV journalists talking about Ben Bradlee are like Justin Bieber talking about Leonard Cohen.- John Fugelsang

The Reagan Confederacy? LOL
A former aide to President Ronald Reagan is calling for southern states to secede from the union and form a new conservative nation called "Reagan" where citizens wouldn't be forced to compromise on "traditional values" like marriage.

I like it when people who defended Dick Cheney foreign policy call the black guy "arrogant."- John Fugelsang

The GOP can hold the House without winning a single Latino vote. It can win the Senate without swaying 1 Obama voter. - LOLGOP

Business/Tech News

The NFL has created a sportsmanship award that will be presented to the winner on the eve of the Super Bowl. The winner will be whichever NFL player's not in jail on the eve of the Super Bowl.- Conan O'Brien

Graffiti Artist Defaces 10 National Parks—and Instagrams It
How can you get away with painting graffiti in some of the United States’ most iconic national parks?

If you’re dumb enough to boast of your exploits on social media, you can’t.

Every fish you catch and release goes home with an alien abduction story.- John Fugelsang

I've Never Watched TLC's Honey Boo Boo But This Is Beyond Belief
Mama June is seeing someone new, but there's a big problem ... the guy just got out of prison after serving time for molesting one of June's relatives ... TMZ has learned.

Kim Kardashian, by the way, shares a birthday with Benjamin Netanyahu and the scientist Alfred Nobel. Which just goes to show you: Horoscopes are crap.- Jimmy Kimmel