President Donald Trump's re-election campaign used a photo of a survivor of the Parkland, Florida, shooting in an email Saturday that asks its recipients to donate money to the campaign.
Trump said that the parade would honor not only him but all of America’s “last responders.”- Andy Borowitz
The World Is A Safer Place Without
- Violence rages in Syria as UN calls to stop 'hell on Earth'
- Israeli Settlers Are Burying Their Dead on Private Palestinian Land
- China paves way for Xi Jinping to remain leader for years
- Mexican president’s White House visit reportedly scrapped after testy phone call with Trump
- Trump taunts press for not knowing he had lunch with NRA’s Wayne LaPierre days after mass shooting
- Ivanka Trump says arming teachers is an option worth discussing
I'm not sure if it's inappropriate to ask Ivanka Trump about her father's sexual misconduct, but it's definitely inappropriate for Ivanka Trump to be anywhere near our f-cking government. - Andy Borowitz
Top Republicans on Capitol Hill have made a concerted decision in their Russia inquiries: They are staying away from digging into the finances of President Donald Trump and his family.
Six Republican leaders of key committees told CNN they see little reason to pursue those lines of inquiry or made no commitments to do so -- even as Democrats say determining whether there was a financial link between Trump, his family, his business and Russians is essential to understanding whether there was any collusion in the 2016 elections.
Stopping gun violence by putting guns in the classroom makes as much sense as stopping stupidity by putting an idiot in the White House.- Andy Borowitz
Republican Shenanigans
- White House Legal Team Considers Ways Trump Could Testify Before Mueller
- Kelly and Kushner stuck at an impasse after Trump's punt on clearance
- Trump's personal pilot 'in the mix' to lead the Federal Aviation Administration
- Congress returns amid pressure to act on gun violence
- Ivanka Trump: 'Inappropriate' to ask her about father's accusers
- Ivanka Trump Attends Olympics Closing Ceremony Amid Mixed Reactions from US Athletes
- Eric Trump: Everything Trump said he would do, he's done
- Michael Steele Responds to Racial Insult Hurled by CPAC Communications Director
- Rogue CPAC Panelist Blasts Republicans Over Trump's Alleged Sexual Misconduct
- Florida Governor Rick Scott proposes $500 million school safety program, no ban on specific weapons, no armed teachers
- 74 Florida Republican Lawmakers Are Calling for the Sheriff in the Parkland Shooting to Be Suspended
Ivanka Trump should change her name to Ayn Brand. - Sam Grittner
President Donald Trump, who infamously avoiding serving in the Vietnam War by citing “bone spurs” in his medical examination, said on Monday that he would have personally intervened to stop Parkland shooter Nikolas Cruz.
“I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon,” Trump said during a meeting with the nation’s governors, according to Associated Press reporter Zeke Miller.
If you really believe that President Loudmouth McBonespurs would rush into an active shooter situation with nary a gun in his useless, withered hands, I've got five bankrupt casinos to sell you. - Jeff Tiedrich
We’ll end humanity with the weapons of genius and the triggers of stupidity. - Tina Dupuy
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Rock The Voter News
- House panel releases Democratic rebuttal of Republican memo on surveillance of former Trump aide
- Michelle Obama Will Release Her Memoir Becoming in November
- Lewinsky sees 'problematic' issue of consent in Clinton affair
BREAKING: Embattled NRA Auctions Three Hundred Congresspersons on eBay. - Andy Borowitz
Meanwhile, Back In Panama
Panama’s government is formally investigating a complaint that executives for President Donald Trump’s family hotel business are refusing to physically leave the 70-story luxury Trump hotel there amid a management dispute.
It looks like the aftermath of the Parkland massacre is turning into a pissing match between the Broward County Sheriff's Department, Coral Springs police and the paramedics while the state legislature ignores FL's sh-tty gun laws. -Ragnarok Lobster tweet
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Business/Tech News
- Oil steady on Libya halt as Saudi's pledge smooth end to curbs
- #BoycottNRA courses through Wall Street
- NRA fallout: See the list of companies that cut discounts for NRA members after Parkland, Florida school shooting
- Media organizations sue for security footage from outside of Stoneman Douglas
- Weinstein film studio expected to file for bankruptcy
- Nokia 8110 'Matrix' slider phone is back: This time it's reloaded with 4G
“Maybe we”ll give ‘em a little bonus”. Trump tells teachers who “make $30,000 a year & have to pay for their own school supplies” to arm up. - Bette Midler
President Donald Trump is pushing to have his longtime personal pilot, John Dunkin, to head the Federal Aviation Administration, according to a report from Axios.
Dunkin, who flew Trump's personal plane during the campaign, is reportedly on the short list for the top spot at the agency that oversees civil aviation in the United States. Dunkin has previously told people that he would often face delays while flying Trump around and that a pilot running the agency would prevent that.
BREAKING: Trump nominates doorman at Trump Plaza as secretary of both the interior and the exterior, because no one knows the difference between those two things like a doorman, I can tell you that. - Christopher Moore
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