Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert sentenced to 15 months in prison

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert sentenced to 15 months in prison
Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert was sentenced to 15 months in prison Wednesday for breaking federal banking rules in an attempt to cover up decades of sexual abuse,


I realize that Donald Trump laid me off when his casino went bust, evicted my family & his fake University stole my life savings - but darn it, I just like the way he says what he thinks. - John Fugelsang

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam

• Coulter: Trump gave best foreign policy speech since George Washington 
• Female suicide bomber wounds eight in Turkish city of Bursa
• Iraqi army makes modest advance south of Mosul
• Several Egyptians killed in clashes with smugglers in Libya

Welcome to America, where voters stick it to the man by supporting a billionaire landlord. - John Fugelsang

Bad News Bundys
Ethics complaints have been filed against the attorney representing Ammon Bundy, who in January led an armed take-over of a federal wildlife refuge in Oregon, Oregon Public Broadcasting reports.


Republican Shenanigans

• Trump: 'I Haven't Quite Recovered' From Clinton 'Shouting' Last Night
• Trouble for Trump as judge clears way for fraud lawsuit against his university
• NC Lt. Guv floats campus policy to punish hecklers who disrupt public speakers 
• John McCain’s fundraiser busted for a meth lab with LSD, coke, heroin and counterfeit cash
• Alabama town passes ordinance to jail trans people caught using the bathroom in Target
• ‘You’re the weirdos’: Colbert slams Republicans ‘obsessed’ with public bathrooms

I realize that Donald Trump laid me off when his casino went bust, evicted my family & his fake University stole my life savings - but darn it, I just like the way he says what he thinks. - John Fugelsang

Governor Potato Head
Thin-skinned Maine Gov. Paul LePage called college students "idiots" and huffed off the podium Tuesday after spotting a couple of critical signs while making a speech.

Trump: I've won lots polls with Hispanics. For instance, scariest orange man, favorite pinata theme, and most likely to deport me.- LOLGOP

Rock The Voter News

• Hillary Clinton: Women and prison 
• Bernie Sanders to Reassess Candidacy After Tuesday's Vote, but He'll Stay in Race

Cruz/Cruella 2016?
In an announcement scheduled for later this afternoon, Sen. Ted Cruz will name former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina as his running mate if he secures the Republican nomination, multiple outlets are reporting.





Cruz announces Carly Fiorina as his VP pick. So Ted will be the looks and Carly will be the muscle.- Tea Pain

Now all Trump has to do is name Christie as his running mate and the GOP will have 4 of the nastiest Republicans running. - Ann Telnaes



Biz/Tech News

• Oil prices hit six-month high
• Fed signals no rush to raise rates as pace of US recovery moderates
• Yahoo Agrees to Give 4 Board Seats to Starboard Value
• GM to invest $906M at Spring Hill, Bay City plants

We've had 218 years of 42 white consecutive white male presidents and all we hear is how hard it is for a white male to become president.- LOLGOP



Amazon Liable For Extorting $ From Kids!
In an entirely unsurprising ruling, a federal judge has sided with the FTC in the agency's lawsuit against Amazon, which had said that the company did not do enough to safeguard customers against unauthorized in-app purchases made by children.

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FIGHTING THE RIGHT IS HARD WORK

ALMOST TO $1700! Thank You!

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Odd News

• Most rabbis think Passover and other Old Testament stories are fiction 
• Winner of rubber duck race can dine anywhere in the world
• 3D printer used to create new feet for duck
• Surgeon makes tourism ad after Rhode Island's Iceland flop
• Workers help woman recover diamond jewelry thrown in trash

Time To Deflate Photo

A gaggle of geese selfie!

Peace.

I'm back and Trump is still here. Damn.

Trump sells his jet to himself to circumvent FAA issue
Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump sold his Cessna jet to himself to get around a Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) registration issue...



"Donald Trump" is revealed to be an elaborate performance art piece by Joaquin Phoenix. - Beerdharma tweet

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam

• U.S. to eye 'other' options if North Korea continues nuclear activity: State Department
• Papua New Guinea: Australian Refugee Detention Center is illegal
• Saudi reform plans flirt with social change
• Religious push sparks secularism row in Turkey

Donald Trump said, "If I lose, I don’t think you’ll ever see me again." So finally, a Trump campaign promise we can all get behind.- Conan O'Brien

Trump Inspires All Kinds Of People
An armed man in Ohio caused a standoff with police after neighbors reported that he was waiving a gun and shouting, “Trump is Lucifer.”



Republican Shenanigans

• Kristol Goes Bold: Cruz May Name Fiorina As VP This Week -- Or He May Not!
• Trump Supporter Grills 'Establishment Candidate' Cruz On Delegate Process
• Ted Cruz thinks trans people shouldn’t have the right to pee — unless they’re at home
• Fox & Friends host suggests voting by prayer: ‘God will pick the right candidate’
• Creationist Ken Ham faces wrath of Twitter over rant about ‘secularists’ making fun of his ‘stupid’ ark
• Battle over North Carolina transgender law intensifies as lawmakers reconvene

In order to block Donald Trump’s path to the Republican nomination, John Kasich is pulling his campaign out of Indiana. Indiana should notice sometime in 2018. - Conan O'Brien

Peek-A-Boo
McCrory took time out from his gymnastics defending North Carolina’s bathroom bill in order to issue an official statement on voting rights.

A woman who looks exactly like a female Ted Cruz has been asked to star in a porn movie. So finally, a cure for your porn addiction- Conan O'Brien









1st Amendment Protects Professor So He Can Make A Fool Of Himself
A former Florida college professor who was fired after he suggested the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre was a hoax has sued the school for violation of his right to free speech, his attorney said on Tuesday. James Tracy was dismissed in January by Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton, where he had taught since 2002. The civil lawsuit, filed in federal court on Monday, claims that the firing violated his rights, including free speech protections under the U.S. Constitution.

Sexism is Lee Majors getting the hearing aid commercial when it was Lindsay Wagner who had the Bionic Ear.- John Fugelsang


Rock The Voter News

• Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump poised to sweep 'Acela primary'
• Jane Sanders: We’ll Release Tax Returns When Clinton Releases Transcripts
• DC Quickly Enacts New Rule To Allow Dancing 107-Year-Old To Get Photo ID

Donald Trump did an impression of Hillary Clinton at a rally this weekend accusing Clinton of needing a teleprompter, speaking in a robotic manner and being boring. And then Hillary did an impression of Donald Trump by crushing a poor person's dreams.- Seth Myers

Biz/Tech News

• Oil futures settle higher, continue to 'defy gravity'
• New 'Microscope' satellite to test Einstein's theory of relativity in orbit
• Amazon Is Now Offering Restaurant Delivery in San Francisco
• Hershey's is going to start selling meat bars

What's worse: the media trying to convince you a Kardashian is interesting, or the media trying to convince you a Kasich is interesting?- John Fugelsang

The French Military Industrial Complex Seems To Be Thriving
France on Tuesday beat off competition from Germany and Japan to win a Aus$50 billion (US$39 billion) contract to design and build Australia's next generation of submarines, a decision Tokyo called "deeply regrettable".

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I missed you all so much!

I am relocated and 75% unpacked and settled. AND I HAVE INTERNET!

PLEASE DON'T FORGET THE FIGHT THE RIGHT FUNDRAISER

No donations for weeks! I know, I was out of circulation for a week.

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Odd News

• Railroad crossing arm crashes through LA school bus windows
• Selfies with suburban Atlanta gator? Bad idea, police warn
• 12-year-old girl runs NY half-marathon by mistake
• Idaho official: Kobe Bryant's remarks help save potato truck
• Video of Army airborne drop shows Humvees falling from sky
• Ice cream in a former funeral parlor? A taste to die for

Time To Deflate Photo

Cappadocia, a semi-arid region in central Turkey, is full of otherworldly natural sites, most notably the “fairy chimneys,” tall, cone-shaped rock formations clustered in Monks Valley and elsewhere. Popular for exploration are Bronze Age homes carved into valley walls by troglodytes (cave dwellers) and later used as refuges by early Christians.

Peace.

Thank you for your patience

I kindly request a bit more patience. No Internet yet.

Monday is scheduled for Internet connection but so was Saturday.

I did also wanted you all to know I wasn't dead! I apologize for taking so long to notify you all.

I love the new executive headquarters of AllHatNoCattle.

See you as soon as possible!

Deep curtsy for dropping by!

All Hat No Cattle's Executive Headquarters Is On The Move

Please bear with me during its reconstruction.

I hope to be back online in a few days or sooner once I get Internet connection.

Peace.

Top Trump aide lobbied for Pakistani spy front

Top Trump aide lobbied for Pakistani spy front
For more than five years, Donald Trump’s new top campaign aide, Paul Manafort, lobbied for a Washington-based group that Justice Department prosecutors have charged operated as a front for Pakistan’s intelligence service, according to court and lobbying records reviewed by Yahoo News.



That awkward moment when GOP elites spend years limiting minority voting, and then their own voters choose two unacceptable candidates.- Tea Party Cat

Problem: 33,000 gun deaths a year
GOP: No action needed

Problem: 0 cases of transgender crimes
GOP: Transgender Bathroom Hysteria. - The Daily Edge

Get those small hands away from me!

Trump Scares Me, Too
Democratic presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton blasted GOP rival Donald Trump in a new interview, saying she is afraid of what the billionaire would do if he won the White House...
"It’s not only offensive to people and kind of makes you cringe; it’s dangerous. I mean, he's setting people against each other. He's inciting violence," 

Obama's made $436,000, paid $81,000 in taxes and gave $64,000 to charity. I didn't know Muslims tithed 15%. - Kona Lowell

Republican Implosion
The Republican Territorial Committee of the Virgin Islands has been in turmoil for quite a while, but never was how badly they’re being “terrorized” more clear than two days ago, when a meeting of the RTC ended in screaming and shoving. The cops were called to the gun range on St. Croix where the meeting took place. ... Chairman John Canegata was using a large ammunition cartridge as a gavel.





Ted Cruz and his wife appeared in a town hall on CNN recently and his wife said that after they got back from their honeymoon, Ted bought 100 cans of Campbell's chunky soup. But to be fair, I feel like anyone who has watched this election is probably stocking up on canned goods.- Jimmy Fallon

Today is Tax Day. That one day out of the year even Democrats turn into Republicans. - Jimmy Fallon

How The NRA Protects Florida's Wetlands
In the culmination of a more than 15-years-long battle, a Florida water quality agency sued a Tampa Bay-area gun club last year for failing to prevent spent ammunition from ending up in nearby wetlands.
But after the National Rifle Association’s top-flight lobbyists brought in a powerful GOP lawmaker involved in setting the agency's budget, the regulatory body abruptly dropped the suit on Feb. 19...

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Mea Culpa

Today's edition was short. I am in the process of finding new executive headquarters for AHNC. Please bear with me and wish me luck!

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In a recent interview, Kourtney Kardashian says that she eats avocado pudding for breakfast. You know the Kardashians are out of touch when they don't even know the word for guacamole.- Jimmy Fallon

Time To Deflate Photo

Just Because She Can: Dancer-actress Gwen Verdon in a hammock wearing a ballgown on a NYC rooftop in 1953.

Peace.

The Brooklyn Debate

The most memorable lines from the Democratic debate in Brooklyn
Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders squared off in a bruising Brooklyn debate Thursday night, less than a week out from New York's critical -- and increasingly contentious -- primary.



Last night was the big Democratic debate between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. They discussed important issues such as national security, the economy, and whose supporters are the most annoying on Facebook.- Jimmy Fallon

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam

• Soldiers of Odin, Europe’s Notorious Anti-Immigration Group, Beginning to Form Cells in Canada
• Germany allows criminal probe over TV comic's Erdogan satire
• 7.0 quake strikes Japan, tsunami warning issued
• An anti-Muslim conspiracy theorist will be a key presenter at a national convention for SWAT teams

Russian President Vladimir Putin appeared on a call-in show for Russian television and he actually took questions. The most common question Putin got was, "Will I ever see my family again?"- Conan O'Brien

Soldiers rest in a shrapnel ridden tent after a German artillery strike on the Anzio. 1944

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Medical Marijuana For Vets
The Senate Appropriations Committee approved an amendment Thursday that would allow Veterans Affairs (V.A.) doctors to recommend, in states where it is legal, medical marijuana as a treatment option,  the Military Times reported. It would essentially allow V.A. doctors to operate under the same rules as civilian physicians in medical marijuana states.

Trump is complaining that the Republican establishment is trying to keep him out, which is weird, because I thought keeping people out was something he strongly favored.- Andy Borowitz



Republican Shenanigans

• Donald Trump’s favorite Bible verse is one Jesus specifically repudiated
• Paul Ryan: Trump 'Disfigured' GOP Values With Muslim Ban Remarks 
• NY Post: Trump Is ‘Coarse,’ Amateur, And ‘Rookie’ – But Vote For Him Anyway! 
• ‘Nobody cares’: Watch Ted Cruz’s awful night as GOP high rollers shun him at $1,000-a-plate dinner
• Taxpayer-subsidized Noah’s Ark theme park will only hire job seekers who believe Earth is 6,000 years old
• Mississippi Governor signs law allowing armed church members
• Palin Attacks Bill Nye: He's 'As Much A Scientist As I Am!'

BREAKING: Bill Nye challenges Sarah Palin to one-on-one debate on science,  economics, foreign policy, "or any topic she wants to suggest"- The Daily Edge

We really have veered into apocalyptic territory if we live in a world where Paul Ryan is considered the voice of reason.- Andy Borowitz

I can't wear my cowboy hat in jail.

Dumb Ass Cliven Bundy
Cliven Bundy’s cattle have decimated the public lands they share with an endangered tortoise, and now both the cows and the turtles may be starving.









"Trans people might be child molesters" - GOP pols, the week we learned the longest-serving GOP Speaker was a child molester.- John Fugelsang

Can Ted Cruz Get Any Creepier? Why, Of Course!
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) defended a statewide ban on sex toy sales in the Lone Star State, a new report says.
Cruz argued in a 2007 court brief that individuals have no legal right to such products in public or private...

Rock The Voter News

• Obama administration tries to fix air pollution rule after Supreme Court loss
• Barack Obama Never Said Money Wasn’t Corrupting; In Fact, He Said the Opposite
• White House defends Obama's Supreme Court nominee from Sanders
• Sanders: I ‘Could Not Refuse’ Vatican Trip Even If It Took Me Off 2016 Trail
• Bernie Sanders Jewish outreach director calls Israel’s Netanyahu a ‘manipulative asshole’
• Poll: Clinton maintains commanding lead in New York

Yesterday Trump met with one of his arch nemeses, Megyn Kelly. They talked for an hour. In the end they agreed to put aside their differences and get back to what's important, which is getting white people very angry.- Jimmy Kimmel

That awkward moment when great businessman, leader, and future President Donald Trump’s own daughter can’t figure out how to vote for him. - Tea Party Cat



Biz/Tech News

• Crude oil prices take it on the chin
• Carlyle Group Wants to Buy Halliburton and Baker Hughes Assets
• Apple's Recycling Initiatives Recover $40 Million in Gold
• US industrial output falls, signals weak first-quarter GDP growth

During their family town hall event on CNN last night, Ted Cruz's wife revealed that their daughters want Taylor Swift to be their first guest to visit the White House. Aw, that's so cute. They think he has a chance.- Seth Myers

Norwegian Air Gets Tentative Nod on U.S. Flights Over Protests
Captain Tim Canoll, president of the Air Line Pilots Association in Washington, in a statement Friday. “DOT is proposing to allow a foreign airline to compete directly with U.S. airlines on long-haul international routes with unfair economic advantages.”



LA has the best Chinese food made by Mexicans but NYC has the finest Greek diners run by Dominicans. - John Fugelsang

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HELP ME FIGHT THE RIGHT!

THANK YOU!

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Odd News

• Supreme Court considers taking case of disabled veteran serving life in jail for growing pot 
• Cops bust Jamaican woman smuggling cocaine in coffee bags at JFK
• One fish, two fish, MY FISH! Massive shark snatches giant sailfish out of the air 
• Close living room encounter with dangerous cassowary
• British court rules woman can't name her daughter Cyanide

Time to Deflate Photo

Would you dare cross this slack line over The Azure Window in Malta?

Peace.