All Hat No Cattle

Friday, April 20, 2018

What A Week It Was

The DOJ's 'freakishly unusual' move to hand over Comey's memos to Congress alarms former officials
The significance of the memos' release stems not from their content, but from the potential long-term implications regarding the DOJ's independence.
"If it weren't so comical, it would be a tragedy," said one former federal

Michael Cohen once said he would take a bullet for Donald Trump. Robert Mueller was like, “Oh, great, stand right there, you want a cigarette or anything?” - Jimmy Kimmel

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

I really, really, really want to see Donald Trump spell “Rudy Giuliani.” -Conan O'Brien

Democrats Are Suing The Russians & More!
...The Washington Post reported Friday that the DNC filed the multi-million dollar lawsuit in federal district court in Manhattan.
“During the 2016 presidential campaign, Russia launched an all-out assault on our democracy, and it found a willing and active partner in Donald Trump’s campaign,” DNC chair Tom Perez said in a statement.

"After Columbine, public outrage forced America to enact common sense gun laws which prevented future school shootings."
- Excerpt from an 'If the NRA didn't exist' alternate history textbook
- Erik Bransteen

Republican Shenanigans

#Happy420, Jeff Sessions. I know you hate marijuana, but maybe give it a try… you might get so high you’ll forget how to be racist. - Chelsea Handler

Why Wasn't This Reported During The 2016 Election?
A former reporter for Forbes magazine claims that President Trump lied to him decades ago about his net worth to snatch a coveted spot on the Forbes 400 Richest list.
Jonathan Greenblatt wrote in an op-ed for The Washington Post that Trump was "telling a lie so cosmic that people believed that some kernel of it had to be real."

FOX should have a viewer discretion advised label on every show. This way viewers will know that the material they are watching can be harmful to their health. -irishygirl tweet

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FUN FACT: Donald Trump was sued twice today before lunch time. - Tea Pain

Rock The Voter News

My My My. FBI Official Is Suing Trump.
Former Deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe is planning to sue the Trump administration for defamation and wrongful termination, according to multiple media reports Friday.
McCabe’s lawyer Michael Bromwich told reporters that McCabe is also considering filing other civil claims.

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Anyone else having trouble absorbing all the terrible news and getting your work done and sleeping through the night and reading all the books and watching all the TV shows? - Emily Nussbaum

This is what it's like being a black man in America. This brother is getting his license, registration and insurance papers ready to hand to the cop in broad daylight and look what the cop is doing.

Business/Tech News

Trump views the North Korea crisis as his "great man" of history moment. Yes, the greatest presidents end up on our currency. Donald Trump could end up on our hush money.- Stephen Colbert

Live In Brooklyn? YOU'VE GOT MAIL!
A New York mailman has been arrested for stockpiling thousands of pieces of undelivered mail, spanning almost 15 years.
The man, Aleksey Germash, 53, has been with the U.S. Postal Service for 16 years, before his bosses received a tip about a parked car with 20 bags of undelivered mail, close to the Dyker Heights, Brooklyn post office to which was recently assigned.

Researchers in Asia have developed a robot that is capable of assembling furniture from Ikea. Completely true! The robot assembled an Ikea chair in just about 20 minutes. If you think this will save you a lot of time, think again. The first step is, you've got to assemble the robots. - James Corden

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Thursday, April 19, 2018

How to remove Trump in three easy steps

Rudy Giuliani joins Trump legal team, hopes to end Russia probe in ‘a week or two’
Rudy Giuliani said Thursday that he will join President Trump’s legal team and hopes to bring an end to the special counsel’s investigation into Russian election meddling in “a week or two.”

The interesting part of the qualification for Speaker of the House, is you do not have to be an elected member of Congress. The Democrats could elect any American they want to be Speaker. They could return a stolen election to its rightful owner by following the Constitution, if they are brave enough.

"Waiter? Yeah, we specifically ordered the Totalitarian Authoritarian Washington-Outsider #MAGA Special but I think you brought us Bush's 3rd Term with Russian Dressing." - John Fugelsang

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

The Nikki Haley story reminds me of the folk tale about the mountaineer who took in a pet rattlesnake that would coil up and sit in his lap in front of the fire at night. When the snake finally bit him, the dying man asked, “Why?”
“Well,” the answer came, I am a rattlesnake after all. You knew that.” - Jimmie von Tungeln

Nikki Haley better be packing up her office.

My My My. Michael Cohen Drops Libel Suits About The Dossier
Embattled attorney Michael Cohen has dropped a pair of much-touted libel suits against BuzzFeed and the private investigation firm Fusion GPS over publication of the so-called dossier detailing alleged ties between President Donald Trump and Russia.

Once again, President Trump has referred to Mar-a-Lago as "the Southern White House." Of course, when Trump refers to the actual White House, he refers to it as "the Western Kremlin."- Conan O'Brien

Republican Shenanigans

Yesterday, after Ambassador Nikki Haley told the U.N. that the United States was going to level more sanctions against Russia, the White House quickly contradicted her, saying she suffered from "momentary confusion." It's got to hurt, being called "confused" by the Trump White House. That's like being called hateful and mean-spirited by . . . well, by the Trump White House.- James Conden

I Love To Wake Up In The Morning To Republican Infighting
Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) on Thursday defended his decision to move legislation protecting special counsel Robert Mueller despite Majority Leader Mitch McConnell's (R-Ky.) opposition.
"Obviously, the majority leader's views are important to consider, but they do not govern what happens here in the Judiciary Committee,"...

Trump and Melania had dinner with Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe and his wife. There was an awkward moment when Trump kept yelling at the waiter, "This sushi is raw! Send it back!" - Jimmy Fallon

FBI Tells Michael Cohen He Will Need Better-fitting Jacket to Wear a Wire. - Andy Borowitz

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Rock The Voter News

Republicans in Congress are urging the FBI to launch an investigation into Hillary Clinton. Man, Hillary Clinton – what did she do over two years ago NOW?- Conan O'Brien

Trump Vendetta #2,779,022 Or Is McCabe Guilty?
The Department of Justice Office of the Inspector General on Thursday sent the United States Attorney for the District of Columbia a criminal referral regarding former deputy FBI director Andrew McCabe

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Business/Tech News

The Kremlin bestowed its highest honor on Trump after he refused to impose sanctions on Russia. - Andy Borowitz

Lawyers Are Starting Their Engines
Despite the praise Southwest Airlines is drawing from passengers for the valiant efforts of its crew during the deadly ordeal of Flight 1380, the airline still likely faces tens of millions of dollars in legal damages from those on board, experts say.

Before Instagram there were no options for desperate Americans who needed pics of what someone else got at Starbucks. - John Fugelsang

Where are you Spring?

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Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Comrade Bonespurs

Russian news agencies say US told Moscow no new sanctions for now
Russian news agencies reported on Wednesday that U.S. President Donald Trump’s administration had informed the Russian embassy in Washington that the United States had no immediate plans to impose new sanctions.

Breaking: Trump administration notified Russian Embassy in Washington no additional US sanctions were coming -Russian Foreign Ministry spokeswoman to CNN. - Jim Sciutto

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

When are we gonna stop talking about the man who was killed in a fire at Trump Tower, the president's building without sprinklers? Let it go already. - Laurie Kilmartin

What? Unusual Cellular Surveillance In D.C.?
Four U.S. senators on Wednesday urged the U.S. Homeland Security Department (DHS) to disclose additional information about unusual cellular surveillance activity that has been detected around the nation’s capital.

There needs to be an investigation to see if anyone in the Trump Admin has ties to America. I mean sweet baby Jesus.- irishygirl

Republican Shenanigans

Trump last night issued proclamation that flags be lowered to half-staff “as a mark of respect” for Barbara Bush.
This morning, flag still flying high at Mar-Lago, the “Southern White House.” (per pool) - Peter Alexander, NBC News

Twitter went down for almost an hour. As a result, President Trump was forced to open a window and start yelling at people on the street.- Conan O'Brien

Follow The Trump Money
The law firm representing Michael Cohen — which this week fought in court to shield communications between Cohen and President Trump from government investigators — has received payments from President Trump’s re-election campaign.

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar's birth certificate. - Rex Huppke

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IRS Announces Refunds Will Come In Form Of Forever Stamps This Year - The Onion

Rock The Voter News

Puerto Rico's Power Grid Collapses
Puerto Rico has suffered an island-wide power outage, Puerto Rico's power authority said Wednesday -- nearly seven months after Hurricane Maria destroyed much of the island's infrastructure and its electrical grid.

GOP: WE WANT CLINTON AND COMEY INVESTIGATED!
A group of conservative lawmakers on Wednesday wrote to Attorney General Jeff Sessions asking him to investigate Hillary Clinton, former FBI Director James Comey and others whom President Trump has targeted on Twitter and elsewhere.

I agree, this scandal where Hillary colluded with Russia to sell uranium to ISIS in Benghazi in order to finance the child sex ring run out of the basement of a pizza parlor that has no basement really needs to be looked into for the fifteen hundredth time. - Jeff Tiedrich