Elizabeth Warren Steps Up To The Plate

Warren calls for House to begin impeachment proceedings
Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) on Friday called for the House to begin impeachment proceedings against President Trump, wading into a topic that other 2020 White House hopefuls have so far been wary to discuss.

Barr Says Mueller Report Finds Trump Served Bravely In Vietnam. - Andy Borowitz

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam Trump

• Shocking video shows heavily-armed Trump-loving vigilantes detaining asylum seekers in New Mexico
• Mueller report raises new questions about Erik Prince — and House Dems plan to drag him back in to testify
• Mueller made it clear Trump obstructed justice: Ex-FBI deputy Andrew McCabe
• ‘You’re gonna die’: Trump supporter arrested over deranged threats to prominent Democrats

When William Barr leaves this earthly realm, his one great contribution to humankind will be a reminder to not just read the Cliff Notes. - John Fugelsang

Russians Celebrate Mueller Report
Russian state-owned media gloated over public revelations in special counsel Robert Mueller’s report, which showed the Kremlin interfered in the 2016 election to help Donald Trump win.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Accuses Media Of Anti-Liar Bias. - Andy Borowitz

Republican Shenanigans

• 'Barr intentionally misled the American people’: Former federal prosecutor lays out damning case against Trump’s AG
• Trump denounces Mueller report as ‘total bullsh*t’ — after insisting he was exonerated
• Trump attacks ‘Crazy Mueller report’ with swipe at McGahn: ‘Watch out for people that take so-called notes’
• Sarah Sanders had many chances to ‘walk back’ her FBI lie — and she kept lying
• Trump's flock of felons: Here's what Mueller's report says about some of the Trump associates who have faced criminal charges
• Rep. Matt Gaetz hires ex-White House aide ousted for white nationalist ties

Good Friday is when pro-death penalty Christians mark the execution of anti-death penalty Jesus; and it's all irony-free. - John Fugelsang

Wow. A Republican Steps Up To The Plate
Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH) took a step toward siding with special counsel Robert Mueller over President Donald Trump.

I'm still confused about why anyone thought Bill Barr was trustworthy. He literally earned the nickname "Coverup General" for helping cover up the Iran-Contra scandal. Why do you think Trump appointed him as AG? - Caroline Orr tweet

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Rock The Voter News

• Nadler throws down the gauntlet -- and gives DOJ until May 1 to hand over the full Mueller report
• Dems reject Barr's offer to view Mueller report with fewer redactions
• Joe Biden to announce 2020 presidential run next week: reports

Remember in 2016 when our media hyped every bogus Hillary email or foundation story while not even once looking into Trump's life of brazen crimes which were committed right out in the open for anyone to see? it's a good f*cking thing there were no serious repercussions from that. - Jeff Tiedrich

Assange Is A Dirt Bag
Julian Assange repeatedly blamed Seth Rich, the murdered DNC staffer, for Russia's leaks. The Mueller report shows that Assange was lying...

White House Staff Draws Straws To See Who Has To Read Mueller Report Aloud To Trump. - Andy Borowitz

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Business/Tech News

• Pot stocks are soaring
• Lawmakers call for Facebook's Zuckerberg to be held accountable
• McDonald's cuts its premium sandwiches line, Signature Crafted 
• Dining room deregulation: Trump's FDA may revamp rules for cherry pie

Today, Trump tweeted ‘bullsh*t’ and retweeted a tweet with ‘circle jerk’ in it  

Next time the religious right talks about morals in politics, please remind them of Trump’s behavior on Good Friday 2019 - Roland Scahill tweet

We got it at SEARS!

My God.
Sears on Thursday lodged a lawsuit against its former CEO Eddie Lampert and a string of its high-profile past board members, including his former Yale roommate Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, for allegedly stealing billions of dollars from the once-storied retailer.

Trump Redacts Mueller Report. - Andy Borowitz

Unemployed Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Announce Plans To Give Baby Up For Adoption. - The Onion

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Odd News

• Police officer responds to 5-year-old's emergency 911 call: "Can you bring me McDonald's?"
• Earthquakes Happen Every 3 Minutes in Southern California
• Massive Green Fireball Seen From Vermont To South Carolina
• Baby T-Rex on sale for $3 million on eBay sparks outrage
• Woman trapped inside closed Walmart garden center 
• A road crew in Florida should get an "F" for spelling, painting "S-C-O-H-O-L" 

Time To Deflate Photo

A Warty Frog Fish. Mother Nature never ceases to amaze me.

Peace.

▇▇▇▇▇ afternoon!

Top Congressional Democrats call for Mueller to testify publicly
The top Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate on Thursday called on Special Counsel Robert Mueller to testify publicly about his investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election and whether the Trump campaign colluded with Russia.

Our president is cracking under the strain and it would be hilarious to watch if it weren't for the part where he is also quite literally getting away with treason. - Jeff Tiedrich

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam Trump

• READ: Mueller's redacted report
• Australia Says It's "Ready To Confirm" A Key Meeting That Led To The Investigation Into Trump's Russia Links
• Kremlin says Kim Jong Un will visit Russia this month
• St. Patrick's Cathedral: Man arrested with gas cans and lighters

So, Mr. President, do you still trust Mr. Putin over the conclusions of this report and your intelligence services? - Dan Rather

The Attorney General of the United States just defended obstruction because of the President's hurt feelings. - Rick Wilson

North Korea Doesn't Like Pompous Pompeo
North Korea demands US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo be dropped from nuclear talks, calling for him to be replaced with someone who “is more careful and mature in communicating.”

It's fitting that AG Barr released the redacted #MuellerReport on Holy Thursday.
The same day an innocent brown man was arrested, a guilty white man walks free. - John Fugelsang

Republican Shenanigans

• Barr 'disagreed' with Mueller's obstruction theories
• Trump on Mueller's appointment: I'm F***d
• Trump’s attorney and two Mar-A-Lago regulars have been reviewing Mueller’s report for days
• Michael Cohen is prepared to ‘fill in the bulk’ of Attorney General Bill Barr’s redacted Mueller report
• Conway's husband calls out Barr over original framing of Mueller report
• Sarah Sanders made false statements to press on Comey firing, Mueller says
• Cain says he won't withdraw from Fed consideration despite Senate objections
• McConnell: Raising age to buy tobacco to 21 a 'top priority
• Poll: 12 Percent of Americans 'Never Heard' of Mike Pence

We don’t have an Attorney General. We have two White House Press Secretaries. - Judd Legum

It's Always The Cover Up That Nails These Liars
Former Trump White House staffer Hope Hicks encouraged President Donald Trump to authorize the release of Donald Trump Jr.’s emails setting up a meeting with a Russian agent in 2016 — but Trump told her to keep them secret.

--"Oh my God. This is terrible. This is the end of my Presidency. I’m f*cked. 

--I'll take "Things innocent people don't say" for 100, Alex. 

- Randi Singer

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I'm pretty sure after winning the popular vote by 3 million, even after Russian interference and Comey's bungling, Hillary Clinton was pretty frustrated in early 2017.  But you didn't see her obstructing justice.  Just sayin'.... - Ronald Klain

Rock The Voter News

• Booker tweets out searchable version of Mueller report to counter White House
• House Judiciary Chairman Nadler is officially issuing a subpoena to obtain the full, unredacted report authored by Special Counsel Robert Mueller
• Kamala Harris takes early lead in the big-money race
• Klobuchar to appear in Fox News town hall
• 100 million people face severe weather 

I'm so old I remember when expletives were deleted but evidence of obstruction was not.- driftglass

I'm frustrated. Which crimes am I allowed to commit now? - Treason Stickers tweet

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Business/Tech News

• US crude rises 24 cents, settling at $64
• Elon Musk's D.C.-to-Baltimore ‘loop’ leaps an early milestone
• U.S.-Canada Rift Widens Over Training for Boeing 737 MAX Pilots 
• Pier 1 is closing 45 stores
• Facebook admits harvesting 1.5 million people's email contacts

I remember when a president parsing the word "is" during a Q&A about blowjobs was an impeachable offense. - driftglass

The National Enquirer Sold for $100 Million
Hudson News CEO James Cohen will purchase the National Enquirer and two sister publications for $100 million, according to the Washington Post.
The hedge fund that controls the tabloid’s parent company, American Media Inc. (AMI), has reportedly grown disillusioned with the Enquirer’s reporting tactics, after a series of legal controversies put the tabloid in the spotlight.

Donations have now topped $1 Billion to restore a Cathedral built to honor Christ; who was actually quite specific about who those kinds of donations should actually go to.. - John Fugelsang

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Another actor ruined by drugs and alcohol

Odd News

• Researchers discover ancient giant 'lion' in Kenya
• Orcas Feast on Shark Livers. And Great Whites Are Terrified Of Them
• Pig Brains Partly Revived By Scientists Hours After Animals Died
• Denver Suburb Drops 'Swastika Acres' Name From Neighborhood 
• Senior slugger: 65-year-old woman hits burglar with bat

Time To Deflate Photo

A giant leatherback sea turtle being followed by nosy scuba divers.

Peace.

DTD Hat

Thanks to McCoy for the idea.

U.S. restricts travel, remittances to Cuba as part of a new policy under Trump
The re-tightened restrictions also could impact air travel because of a reduction of passengers. U.S. laws currently allows only 12 categories of travel, among them educational visits, to promote people-to-people contacts and for professional and research work.

Really looking forward to seeing the redacted Mueller report on Thursday! It's gonna be ▇▇▇▇▇! - Stephen Colbert

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam Trump

• Can President Trump please send some asylum seekers to Iowa? We desperately need people
• Justice Dept. denies bond for tens of thousands of asylum seekers
• Guantanamo military tribunal hit with another legal setback
• Satellite images seem to indicate that North Korea is making radioactive bomb fuel
• Trump vetoes Congress's directive to end US involvement in Yemen
• Gold-plated golf clubs and birthday bashes: How Abe courts Trump

Putin Almost Done Redacting Mueller Report. - Andy Borowitz

Everyone Trump Touches Gets Investigated
Deutsche Bank, the German bank that became famous for lending Donald Trump money when no other major bank would touch him, fears it’s about to get hammered over its role in facilitating a massive Russian money laundering scheme.

Pssst- if you're a politician who keeps denying climate change, don't ask us to believe that you 'care about the unborn.' - John Fugelsang

Republican Shenanigans

• Bill Weld: I'm in GOP primary to beat Trump, not just weaken him
• Trump takes second whack at Fox News
• Trump rolls out details for his White House Correspondents' Dinner counter-rally
• Trump embraces 'Crazy Bernie Sanders' or 'Sleepy Joe Biden' as 2020 opponent
• Alan Dershowitz tried to ‘bait’ Epstein accuser into court — but she sued him first: Miami Herald reporter
• Jared Kushner believes his ‘criminal liability has gone away’ after Mueller did not indict Trump: report
• Mueller’s top lieutenants find new gigs
• Trump’s legal team expects ‘pure mischief’ and ‘snide comments’ from Mueller report
• Florida Prosecutors Say They'll Release Videos of Robert Kraft at Day Spa

Those who do not learn from history can always get a job at Fox News. - Middle Age Riot

YAY! Republicans Protecting Access To Contagious Diseases!
Most Republicans are rejecting Democrat-led state bills to tighten childhood immunization laws in the midst of the worst measles outbreak in two decades, alarming public health experts who fear the nation could become as divided over vaccines as it is over global warming.

Notre Dame is on fire and the stupidest fucking asshole on the entire planet just can't help but offer idiotic useless advice because this drooling moron imagines himself a fucking expert on everything. he's the loudmouth drunk at the end of the bar, but with nuclear weapons. - Jeff Tiedrich

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Pete Buttigieg Stuns Campaign Crowd By Speaking To Manufacturing Robots In Fluent Binary - The Onion

Rock The Voter News

• Hillary Clinton calls Pelosi 'driving force' of the Democratic Party in Time 100 entry
• Pelosi steps up defense of Omar amid onslaught of GOP attacks
• Poll: Most Americans don’t think Mueller report will clear Trump
• Buttigieg takes on anti-gay hecklers in Iowa

Please tell me again how a bunch of lifelong Republicans in the FBI colluded with Russia and Hillary to lose her own election so that Trump could win so that then the deep state could take him down and proof of the whole plot is uncovered in a report that no one is allowed to see. - Jeff Tiedrich

Subpoena Awaiting For Entire Mueller Report
While Attorney General Bill Barr is set to release his redacted version of special counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Thursday, Rep. Jerry Nadler (D-NY) reportedly won’t waste time trying to acquire the full, unredacted report.

Tomorrow the heavily redacted Mueller report will be released. Which means......get ready for thousands of tweets about Ilhan Omar. - John Fugelsang

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Business/Tech News

• Canada joins new Germany-France 'alliance' that doesn't include US
• White House denies House Democrats' AT&T-Time Warner records request
• Turkey looking at new trade mechanisms with Iran to avoid U.S. sanctions
• Boeing 737 MAX changes deemed 'operationally suitable': FAA

Sorry, Flint and Puerto Rico.  Sometimes you gotta be in the white place at the white time. - Tea Pain

Russians In Kentucky. Kentucky?
Russian aluminum giant Rusal spent most of last year under US sanctions. Now it's pumping $200 million into a new project in Kentucky.
Rusal, the largest producer of aluminum outside China, will help fund and supply a low-carbon aluminum rolling mill under construction in the eastern part of the state

Chimp In Cocaine Study Starts Lying To Friends - The Onion

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Odd News

• The Universe's First Type of Molecule Is Found at Last 
• April Full Moon 2019: The 'Pink Moon' Rises This Friday
• A small step for China: Mars base for teens opens in desert
• Models flee from kangaroo at Australian photo shoot
• Meet 'Survivor': Dog rescued while swimming 135 miles off Thailand.

Time To Deflate Photo

A Golden Langur has eyes that look human. What a beauty.

Peace.