All Hat No Cattle

Friday, May 26, 2017

Montana Bodyslammer Gets Elected. D.C. Press Corp Reacts.

Gianforte's victory after assaulting reporter reflects rising tribalism in American politics
Greg Gianforte admitted to attacking a reporter and apologized during his victory speech last night, as he kept Montana's sole House seat in Republican hands.

The Republican congressional candidate for a special election in Montana yesterday reportedly body-slammed a journalist after he asked a question about the Republican health care plan. Now, to be fair, that basically is the Republican health care plan. - Seth Myers

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

I no longer think Trump conspired with Russia to win the election, because he would have bragged about it to a barista by now. - Conan O'Brien

Trump Bullies Germans
President Donald Trump has said Germans are “bad” for having a large trade surplus with the United States, drawing attention to a contentious issue at a summit of world leaders where trade is already a sticking point.

Soon, a politician will hack up a reporter with a chainsaw & a majority will say, "He still gets my vote because he supports school vouchers" - Erik Bransteen

Republican Shenanigans

Usually I'm against nepotism but I would support Jared Kushner going to the same prison as his father. - Andy Borowitz

The media's obsession with Trump voters is like sympathizing with drunk drivers instead of the innocent people they mow over. -@goldengateblond

Jesus Christ. Trump Always Was Nuts.
A Nobel Prize-winning cardiologist says that Donald Trump has had “Russia mania” for decades, and that the president once asked for his help in order to get close to the former head of the Soviet Union....and then he took his thumb and he hit the desk and he said, ‘And within one hour the Cold War would be over!’ I sat there dumbfounded. ‘Who is this self-inflated individual? Is he sane or what?'”

I would say that Melania's anti-bullying campaign hasn't really taken off. - Andy Borowitz

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In Rare Consensus, 28 NATO Nations Agree That Trump is Asshole. - Andy Borowitz

Rock The Voter News

GOP strategist admits he colluded with Russian hackers to hurt Hillary Clinton, Democrats
The U.S. intelligence community has long since concluded Russia meddled in the 2016 election, and it was reported shortly after the 2016 presidential election that a GOP superPAC linked to Paul Ryan used illegally hacked material to attack Democratic...

Easy to ridicule Montana for electing a congressman who assaulted one man until you remember that the United States elected a President who boasted about assaulting multiple women. - Andy Borowitz

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Trump called Germany "bad, very bad" for their car exports days after doing a sword dance with a regime that beheads dissidents with swords. - Brian Klaas

Biz/Tech News

Costs associated with body slamming, such as X-rays to the elbow and other injured body parts, would have to be paid for out of pocket under the G.O.P. plan. - Andy Borowitz

Trump Was Right! Lying Ted!
The Federal Election Commission (FEC) on Thursday said that Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) improperly accounted for Goldman Sachs loans he received during his 2012 Senate campaign.
The FEC’s finding, which was posted on its website, marked a rare moment of agreement between the agency’s five commissioners.

They make cat food out of cow, fish, turkey, chicken & lamb meat.
But not mouse meat.
Which is probably all cats really want. - John Fugelsang

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FYI: I in no way resemble the woman above.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Comey Investigation Update

Bad intel from Russia influenced Comey's Clinton announcement: report
Former FBI Director James Comey’s controversial decision to detail the FBI’s findings in the Hillary Clinton email case without Justice Department input was influenced by a dubious Russian document that the FBI now considers to be bad intelligence

Wow. Mueller is going to have his hands full. So Comey acted on fake Russian intel. He sure made a lot of bad decisions that all involved Hillary. There is more to this story.

This Russian investigation into Trump is like one of those Russian nesting dolls, except every time you open one, the doll inside is somehow bigger. And instead of it being a doll, it’s a horrible conspiracy concocted by Russian hackers to systematically erode America’s democratic freedoms. - James Corden

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

President Trump is still on his big trip overseas. And I saw that he actually took over an entire hotel in Jerusalem. Mary and Joseph were like, “Seriously? You make room for THAT guy?” - Jimmy Fallon

Jeff Sessions Blames FBI Agent For Omissions
Attorney General Jeff Sessions did not disclose on security clearance forms that he met twice last year with Russia's ambassador, CNN reported Wednesday.
The form, the SF-86, asks applicants to disclose any contacts with a foreign government or its representatives over the past seven years.
Justice Department spokeswoman Sarah Isgur Flores told CNN that an FBI employee who was helping Sessions complete the form advised him that he did not have to disclose meetings with foreign ambassadors that took place during his time in the Senate.

daily reminder: your president is an ignorant, demented racist who walks around looking like his head got stuck in a cotton candy machine. - Jeff Tiedrich

After Trump pushes his way through, he snaps his coat and lifts his chin. Gawd what a thug.

You see Trump shove Montenegro’s PM to get to the front of NATO group? He's just longing for human contact since his wife won’t touch him. - Bette Midler

Republican Shenanigans

It’s come out that President Trump asked two intelligence chiefs to push back against the Russia probe. Trump also asked them to make Melania hold his freakin’ hand. - Conan O'Brien

Loose Lips Sink Ships Seems To Be The Intent
A growing and critical narrative of the Trump administration — depending on one’s political leanings — is the alleged leaking of critical intelligence in a manner that undermines strategic allies and covert investigations and operations.
After the name of bomber Salman Abedi was leaked to US media just hours after the attack, which left 22 dead — and photos printed by NY Times that revealed the type of bomb used in the Manchester suicide attack — it now appears that Prime Minister Theresa May is jumping on board with those critical of some loose lips.

Pope Francis is pretty composed for someone who is finally coming face to face with the Antichrist. - Warren Holstein

Breaking: Man who refuses to provide proof that he pays taxes lectures other countries about paying for stuff. - OhNoSheTwitnt‏

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Rock The Voter News

‘We can’t hide behind a wall’: Obama taunts Donald Trump’s isolationism after rock-star welcome in Berlin

Yes, that's Donald Trump Jr. with the bodyslammer.

~~Killing~~ Bodyslamming The Messenger
Greg Gianforte, the Republican candidate in Thursday's special congressional election in Montana, allegedly "body slammed" a reporter for The Guardian last night at a meet-and-greet event. The reporter, Ben Jacobs, took to twitter to describe the incident and claimed the altercation broke his glasses.

Modern Journalism 101
1) What?
2) Who?
3) Where?
4) When?
5) Why?
6) How?
7) Duck!

- Warren Holstein

The former head of the CIA told investigators that the Russians “brazenly interfered” with our election and actively contacted members of the Trump administration. And according to The Washington Post, the president asked two top intelligence officials to publicly deny evidence of collusion, and also asked them to find ways to get FBI Director James Comey to drop his investigation. Just like an innocent person would do. - Jimmy Kimmel

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Biz/Tech News

The whole thing is particularly cruel to one minority group: Trump’s voters. Because the president’s budget hits his own voters the hardest, taking aim at the social safety net on which many of them rely. It’s all there on Trump’s new hat, “Make the Poor Live on Squirrel Meat Again.” - Stephen Colbert

The GOP Did The Right Thing? Why. Yes. They. Did.
Restaurants, grocers and other businesses celebrated on Thursday as House Republicans backed off efforts to eliminate the cap on fees that banks can charge retailers when customers use a debit card.

I had this horrible nightmare that they came out with honey almond butter M&Ms and the paramedics couldn't fit me into the ambulance. - John Fugelsang

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Wednesday, May 24, 2017

I would like to tickle your senses with a video before you proceed to today's edition

Republicans have ruined this country by promoting hate of our own government, people, science and the press. Grownups need to take this country back.

I support a Constitutional Amendment to haze all Congressmen by making them work 40hrs per week for 30k per year while raising 2 kids. - John Fugelsang

The World Is A Safer Place Without ~~Saddam~~ Trump

Trump Credits Western Wall for Israel's Lack of Mexicans. - Andy Borowitz

Trump's Admiration For Dangerous Leaders Continues
US President Donald Trump told his Philippines' counterpart that he was doing a good job fighting an illegal drug epidemic in his country, an effort that has led to thousands of deaths and drawn international condemnation from human rights groups.

Before his visit to Israel, Trump was in Saudi Arabia. This is where the wheels came off. First of all, his commerce secretary was on TV raving about how there were no protesters in Saudi Arabia. Because protesters are beheaded in Saudi Arabia. That's why. People without heads tend not to speak out. - Jimmy Kimmel

Republican Shenanigans

Brennan: "Russia interfered"
Comey: "Russia interfered"
Coats: "Trump obstructed"
Rogers: "Trump obstructed"
FoxNews: "Hillary killed a guy"
- Jeff Tiedrich

Republicans Are The Party Of Personal Destruction
The parents of murdered Democratic National Committee staffer Seth Rich penned an op-ed Tuesday asking media figures who have promoted their son's death as a conspiracy theory to stop causing them "unbearable" pain by spreading such "baseless" theories.

Pope Francis meets a guy who's rejected every line in the Sermon on the Mount. Aka His Holiness and His Assholiness. - John Fugelsang

Donald Trump doesn't care about the Pope, he has plenty of guys in white robes who support him. - OhNoSheTwitnt‏

Wow, Another Bush Moron
Billy Bush claims he didn't take Donald Trump's “grab them by the p—y” comments seriously during the infamous hot mic moment from a 2005 Access Hollywood interview - and insists that if he had, he would have called the authorities.

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A company has released a GPS with President Trump's voice as a navigator. It doesn't guide you anywhere. It just keeps reminding you that he won the Electoral College. - Conan O'Brien

Rock The Voter News

Hillary Keeps Fighting
This administration and Republicans in Congress are mounting an onslaught against the needs of children and people with disabilities, women and seniors," Clinton said Tuesday in an address at the annual gala for the Children's Health Fund, according ...

Would this be a bad time to mention that Hillary traveled 956,733 miles over a total of 401 days during her 4 years as Secretary of State? - Jeff Tiedrich

Emails Concerning UUP Poster

This is a representative drawing of Delicate Arch in Arches NP, UT, one of Utah's iconic symbols.

George

Thank you for the explanation but it looks like the bottom half of a cowboy wearing chaps!
That is just the graphic designer in me moaning.

If the United Utah Party poster had not been compresses sideways, even many NON-Utahns might easily recognize Delicate Arch, located in Arches National Park and featured on license plates all over Utah.
😉

Regards,
Jon

The logo design does not do justice to anything.

The video of Melania swatting away Trump's hand has gone viral, but come on, a woman not wanting to be touched by that f*cker is pretty much the opposite of news. - Andy Borowitz

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http://www.wattensawpress.com/

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Biz/Tech News

Saying that Trump's budget made a $2 trillion "mistake" is like suggesting identity thieves are guilty of "bad impressions." - LOLGOP

Trump Breaks Promise
Just before taking office, President Donald Trump promised to donate all profits earned from foreign governments back to the U.S. Treasury.
But MSNBC has learned the Trump Organization is not tracking all payments it receives from foreign governments, according to new admissions by Trump representatives. By failing to track foreign payments it receives, the company will be hard-pressed to meet Trump's pledge to donate foreign profits and could even increase its legal exposure.

Mike Flynn invokes the Fifth Amendment. A moment of silence for every conservative who's ever said "pleading the Fifth means you're guilty." - Jeff Tiedrich

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Friday, May 26, 2017

Montana Bodyslammer Gets Elected. D.C. Press Corp Reacts.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Comey Investigation Update

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

I would like to tickle your senses with a video before you proceed to today's edition

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