All Hat No Cattle

Monday, November 21, 2016

The Bromance of the Century

Reagan thought Russians and hippies were evil.

Russia, who has been the mortal enemy of Republicans in modern times, is having a bromance with Trump.

And Trumpov supporters have no problem with this.

My God, people, is Putin going to give Trump advice on how to seize a country as he did with Crimea? Or shoot down a passenger jet over Ukraine? Or tips on how to poison with plutonium? Or will Putin jail the female rock band, Pussy Riot again while Trump grabs their pussies?

Nope. Putin will do what he does best as ex-KGB, he will infiltrate and destroy the enemy from within.

Seriously, Russians?

Wake up America.

A scramble to assess the dangers of President-elect Donald Trump's global business empire
Turkey is a nation in crisis, scarred by government crackdowns following a failed coup attempt and on a potential collision course with the West. It is also home to a valuable revenue stream for the president-elect’s business empire: Trump Towers Istanbul.

Americans kill more Americans than ISIS kills Americans so we should probably play it safe and not let any more Americans into America.- John Fugelsang

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam

Reminder: most presidents-elect hold news conference 2-3 days after election. Trump has made NO PUBLIC STATEMENT since election. - Eric Boehlert

Trump Election Sparks Hate Crime Explosion
An "explosion" in hate crimes since Election Day has prompted the creation of a special police unit to fight the uptick in New York, Gov. Andrew Cuomo said

As offensive behavior goes, I'm of the belief that booing is somewhat more acceptable than groping genitals.- Andy Borowitz

Amazing how much real Trump corruption the media's uncovered now that it no longer has to balance it with fake Hillary corruption. - @goldengateblond tweet

Republican Shenanigans

Wow the audience at Hamilton booed so loud that the news didn't hear about Trump paying $25m to settle his fake university lawsuit.- Trevor Noah

Why did Trump settle the Trump U case? Because the time for puny million dollar scams has ended. The time for billion dollar scams has come. - David Frum

Conflict Of Interest Much?
President-elect Donald Trump registered eight companies during his presidential campaign that appear to be tied to hotel interests in Saudi Arabia

I'm surprised Melania is staying in New York City, since only 10% of the city voted for Trump.

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Trump's takin' a salary of 1 dollar? He's precisely the quality of President you could get at Dollar Tree. - Tea Pain

Rock The Voter News

Parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.
Parents in 2016: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS. - Daniel Kibblesmith

Tour Of Trump Tower Reaction: Golly Gee Henrietta, Looky At All Them Gold Chairs
TMZ founder Harvey Levin's special on Donald Trump, titled "OBJECTified," drew more than 4 million viewers for Fox News Friday night.

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Liberals ended slavery & conservatives fought for segregation.
If you don't believe this, check out who still defends the Confederate Flag. - John Fugelsang

Biz/Tech News

Promise poor folks they can be mean to minorities and rich folks will get a tax cut every time.- Tea Pain

Into the abyss...

When Will The Donald Have Time To Be President? He Won't, He'll Delegate.
President-elect Donald J. Trump met in the last week in his office at Trump Tower with three Indian business partners who are building a Trump-branded luxury apartment complex south of Mumbai, raising new questions about how he will separate his business dealings from the work of the government once he is in the White House.

Can u imagine how many zillions of GOP congress hearings there would've been if Clinton or Obama settled a case charging they defrauded people? - Kurt Eichenwald

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Friday, November 18, 2016

He sent in the clowns

Donald Trump's Team Shows Few Signs of Post-Election Moderation
President-elect Donald J. Trump is picking up the pace with his cabinet and top White House staff choices, and despite the fervent wishes of some Democrats that some views expressed during the campaign would be moderated after the election, the new administration’s team is maintaining a decidedly conservative bent.

The craziest, most unbelievable story of National Fast Food Day has got to be the one that has come out of Russia, where Burger King just debuted a new item in honor of our president-elect called the Trump burger. It comes with a very spicy sauce, onion rings, and jalapenos; just like Trump’s election, it’s really hard to swallow. - James Corden

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam

The only way I can deal with our current reality is by pretending I'm binge watching a super dark Netflix series.- Andy Borowitz

Meanwhile, The Adults Are Trying To Stop Russia From Further Infiltrating The U.S.
The top Democrat on the House Oversight Committee called Thursday for an investigation into Russia's meddling in the US election, in a letter sent to the Republican in charge of the committee.

Being a villain in To Kill a Mockingbird is now a qualification to join the Trump administration. - LOLGOP

Republican Shenanigans

Jeff Sessions was too racist to be a judge so Donald Trump just made him America's top cop. Any questions? - John Fugelsang

Russians are our friends.

Trump Is Surrounding Himself With Conspiracy Clones
The son of top Donald Trump adviser and retired Army Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn regularly shares conspiracy theories, expletive-filled posts, and racially insensitive sentiments on Twitter and Facebook, a CNN KFile review of his social media presence reveals.

Regret to inform that I cannot see the Trump tweets you're referring to, as I am blocked by the f*cking President of the United States. - David Roth

Man With Zero Government Experience Having Trouble Assembling Government for Some Reason. - Andy Borowitz

Trump's Conspiracy Advisor
Alex Jones believes the Sandy Hook massacre was staged with child actors. He’s also a friend and advisor to the president-elect, who he says promised to go on his show. Erica Lafferty, the daughter of slain Sandy Hook Principal Dawn Hochsprung, finds their association appalling.

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Rock The Voter News

Stephen Hawking just said that humanity should find another planet to live on in the next thousand years, but I think we should seriously try to do it in the next four.- Andy Borowitz

Here Is Some Really Bad News
Political people in the United States are watching the chaos in Washington in the moment. But some people in the science community are watching the chaos somewhere else - the Arctic.

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Everyone should really stop picking on #MelaniaTrump. I mean, you wouldn't pick on Eva Braun would you?- Kona Lowell

Biz/Tech News

According to a new poll, almost 60 percent of Americans believe Donald Trump should compromise with Democrats. Like, instead of a wall at the Mexican border, maybe a beaded curtain?- Seth Myers

Bravo Amazon!
Amazon chose to highlight a moment of friendship between a Christian and a Muslim in their Christmas advertisement this year ― and it's exactly the kind of interfaith solidarity the world needs to focus on right now.

A female astronaut is about to become the oldest woman to fly into space. And this is pretty amazing, she’s going to do it without a rocket ship [shows photo of Hillary], just take off with rage.- Seth Myers

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Thursday, November 17, 2016

How To Keep America Safe

Steve Bannon reported to the FBI for allegedly violating campaign finance laws
Donald Trump's senior White House adviser may have been paid illegally during the campaign with super

"We've made everything into a game show, and now we're reaping the consequences of it."- Bill Maher

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam

When I hear of a Muslim Registry, all I can think about is the yellow star Nazis made Jews wear.- PaulD Tweet

First They Start A Registry, The Tattoos Are Next
A Donald Trump supporter cited the United States’ use of internment camps for Japanese-Americans during World War II as precedent for Trump’s rumored registry of Muslim immigrants.

Commission Ponders Whether China Should Own More Of The USA
Warning of a threat to national security, the U.S.-China Economic and Security Review Commission wants the United States to block Chinese state-owned companies from carrying out takeovers in the country.
Chinese companies are buying up foreign businesses at a record rate this year, fueling unease and objections in some Western countries. Deals for technology companies have caused particular concerns.

Before world leaders can meet with Trump, they will be forced to listen to a one-hour sales presentation for Trump condos in Boca. - Andy Borowitz

Republican Shenanigans

"Speak softly and carry a big stick" - Theodore Roosevelt
"Rant incoherently and be a big dick" - The new motherf*cker - Michael Ian Black

Neener, neener, neener, I can lie all that I want now!

Kellyanne Conway To Join Trump Administration
Kellyanne Conway says she may join President-elect Donald Trump’s administration, though being a mother of four has made her hesitant.

Remember, no matter what rough times you're going through, at least Kellyanne Conway isn't in the same room talking to you right now.- Andy Borowitz

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One week later and this does feel like run-up to Iraq War era: weakened Dems, irresponsible press, and GOP leading country into abyss. - Eric Boehlert

Rock The Voter News

Witness The Natural Mating Instinct Of An A**Kissing Texan
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) says Democrats appear to be getting "nuttier and nuttier," blasting protests against Donald Trump after the left’s calls to respect the presidential election's results.

Trump Transition Team Postpones America Being Great Again Until 2024. - Andy Borowitz

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Biz/Tech News

Jobless claims have now declined to their lowest level in 4 decades. Trump voters are fed up with this!- Andy Borowitz

Trump Is Suing D.C. For Being An Expensive Landlord
Donald Trump is suing Washington D.C. and you probably won’t be shocked to learn why: to avoid paying taxes.
This is actually the second time that Trump – technically Trump Post Office LLC, an LLC owned by Trump and his children – has sued D.C. over the same incident.

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Monday, November 21, 2016

The Bromance of the Century

Friday, November 18, 2016

He sent in the clowns

Thursday, November 17, 2016

How To Keep America Safe

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