All Hat No Cattle

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Miss Them Yet?

‘I wished they had killed me': Detainee details sexual torture tactics used by CIA interrogators
The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency used a wider array of sexual abuse and other forms of torture than was disclosed in a Senate report last year, according to a Guantanamo Bay detainee turned government cooperating witness.

People talk about Obama wanting a relationship with Iran as though he's gonna dump Michelle for Tehran. - Lizz Winstead

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam

Right now, this very week, your government can't record your phone sex.- John Fugelsang

The FBI Is Watching You From Above
The FBI is operating a small air force with scores of low-flying planes across the country carrying video and, at times, cellphone surveillance technology — all hidden behind fictitious companies that are fronts for the government

Every time Jeb Bush says "when my brother was president," take a drink. (No don't. You'll die of alcohol poisoning.) - Jeff Tiedrich

Republican Shenanigans

Last week Mike Huckabee cheered for a child molester. Not stupid/creepy enough? This week, he daydreams about showering with underage girls!- Mrs. Betty Bowers

Once A Dick...
Dick Cheney, reports The Wall Street Journal’s Patrick O’Connor, has a new book coming out in September, as well as “a Darth Vader trailer-hitch cover, a nod to his alter-ego from the Bush days,” and also a slightly new way of defending his administration’s record of protecting Americans from terrorist attacks. Cheney now tells O’Connor his policies “kept us safe for 7½ years.”

Thinking of starting a Draft Dick Cheney movement, but he's too good at avoiding drafts.- LOLGOP

Revered constitutional scholar Vince Vaughn favors guns in school. Who better to speak on gun safety than an alcoholic with rage issues?- Mrs. Betty Bowers

Be Cool, Vince
Actor Vince Vaughn speaks out for guns in schools.
Gunmen target schools 'because they know there are no guns there'

If 30,000 Americans died of fork injuries every year, I'd say we at least need better fork background checks.- LOLGOP

Rock The Voter News

Barney Frank: Dennis Hastert makes Bill Clinton "almost look like a virgin"

Beau Biden
President Obama on Saturday will deliver a eulogy for Vice President Biden’s son, Beau, who died after a long battle with brain cancer.

2 things a Black person can't do: Get a TV show for having 19 kids and go shopping at Walmart with an AK-47.- Kona Lowell

Canada PO'd At USA For Wanting Information
Canada is whittling down its list of U.S. products that it may hit with steep tariffs in retaliation against contentious meat-labeling laws, Agriculture Minister Gerry Ritz said on Tuesday.

"Why should I have to press 1 to speak Romulan?"
— Conservatives From Outer Space
- Jeff Tiedrich

Chip, Chip, Chipping Away At Obamacare
The House Ways and Means Committee on Tuesday voted to repeal two pieces of ObamaCare.

The committee advanced measures that would repeal the medical device tax and a cost-cutting panel known as the Independent Payment Advisory Board (IPAB). Both bills are scheduled to go to the House floor the week of June 15.

Someone who ignores the Old Testament? Christian! Someone who ignores the New Testament? Conservative Christian! - Mrs. Betty Bowers

Business/Tech News

It's hard to have sympathy for the Koch brothers, but my heart goes out to them that they don't have a better choice of candidates to buy.- Andy Borowitz

What's The Russian Military Industrial Complex Doing?
The Russian company that makes the BUK air defense system that was used to shoot down a Malaysian airliner in east Ukraine said on Tuesday the plane was hit by a missile deployed by Ukraine and not widely used by Russia's military.

Caitlyn Jenner is the most inspiring lgbt person ever to support a political party that doesn't support lgbt persons.- John Fugelsang

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Imagine, we were giving cocaine to little children over a 100 years ago.

Odd News

Time To Deflate Photo

Table for two, please?

Peace.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Senate Allows 3 Provisions Within The Patriot Act To Expire

Senate Allows 3 Provisions Within The Patriot Act To Expire
After a rare Sunday Senate session, three provisions within the Patriot Act expired at midnight — including a program that allowed the government to collect the phone records of millions of Americans.

I think we'll survive without the PATRIOT Act as long as we don't do anything dumb like elect another Bush.- LOLGOP

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam

We can't get Bush's bad ideas to go away. We can't even get his brother to go away.- LOLGOP

Dick Cheney's Iraq Thoughts Before Working For Halliburton
Dick Cheney on why the US shouldn’t invade Iraq (1994):
“If you take down the central gov’t…you could… see… pieces of Iraq fly off”- Dick Cheney 1994

John Kerry Breaks Leg Biking
John Kerry's U.S. surgeon is on his way to Switzerland to inspect the injury that the secretary of state sustained in a cycling accident.

Americans, we talk a big game about “we’re the greatest country in the world,”
I mean, come on. We drink wine out of a box. We invented Mormonism.
Our best-selling author is Bill O’Reilly. Most Americans don’t know that the “Big Bang Theory”…is also a theory. - Bill Maher

Republican Shenanigans

Remember when Gingrich had to resign as speaker & they brought in Hastert, because he was thought to be much more likable? - John Fugelsang

I Love All Three Democratic Candidates. They Are Smart.
For months, Martin O'Malley has mulled how to compete with front-runner Hillary Rodham Clinton in the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination.

Now that he's officially a candidate, he also has to worry about Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.).

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.

Rock The Voter News

Cop Tries To Rescue Man, Shoots Him Instead
The wife of a man who was fatally shot by Oklahoma highway patrol officers as they responded to a stranded vehicle call has questioned the initial police account of the incident.

“I love trains. It’s the only way to travel anymore where it doesn’t involve a TSA agent slowly tracing the curve of my inner thigh.” – Bill Maher

Hours after the crash, House Republicans voted to cut Amtrak’s budget. Why do Republicans hate trains? They love everything else from the 'good old days': swing music and Route 66 and segregation.But, somehow, if you get to work in anything other than a Buick, you’re not a real American.” – Bill Maher

Plan To Retire At 65? Jeb Says Whoa!
Jeb Bush wants to push back the retirement age for Social Security by as many as five years.
Instead of allowing Americans to collect full benefits at age 65, the former Florida governor and likely GOP presidential candidate suggested on Sunday that it should be pushed back to 68 or 70.

Wall Street opens higher as traders excited after another major banking scandal ends without a single person going to jail. - Tea Party Cat

Business/Tech News

The Clippers sale will double Donald Sterling's net worth. That'll teach him. - John Fugelsang

Disaster Movie Trailer "San Andreas"
The snickering could be heard as soon as the first teaser for the movie "San Andreas" was posted online.
Key plot points defy the laws of physics. An earthquake that opens up a canyon? Impossible. A San Andreas-triggered tsunami clobbering San Francisco? Please. A magnitude 9 earthquake in California?
Ha ha ha, say the earthquake experts.

Why would I pay to see a disaster movie? I still remember the Bush administration vividly.- Kona Lowell

Three Princeton students pose after the Freshman/Sophomore snowball fight. 1893, Princeton NJ.

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Just a reminder: Life is good.

Odd News

Time To Deflate Photo

This is a Weedy Seadragon, which is a close relative of the Seahorse. I never even knew these existed until I ran across this photo today. I love my job. Thank you AHNC viewers!

Peace.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert accused of hiding sex abuse of former student

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert accused of hiding sex abuse of former student
Dennis Hastert stumbled into political power amid a Republican sex scandal in 1998 that unexpectedly elevated the husky Illinoisan to a position just two heartbeats away from the presidency.

Irony is Dennis Hastert getting caught by the Patriot Act he helped write when he was Speaker of the House.

Of all the scandals Hillary is responsible for, this Hastert thing is the worst.- Andy Borowitz

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam

Just added Cuba back to my official list of State Sponsors of Delicious Sandwiches. Congratulations. It's been a long 50 years. - LOLGOP

Victory Cigar
The Obama Administration’s decision to remove Cuba from its lists of state sponsors of terrorism is drawing fire from Republicans angling for the Oval Office.

Hi, we're the NRA. We spend millions to make it easier for criminals and deranged people to get guns. Which is why you should arm yourself. - John Fugelsang

Pataki Throws Hat In Ring
George Pataki, the newest addition to the packed Republican White House race, said Thursday the bottom of the pack is the best place to start, as he kicked off his long-shot presidential bid in New Hampshire.

The saddest thing is that these are literally the best candidates Republican donors can buy. - LOLGOP

Republican Shenanigans

Conservatives remain fierce defenders your right to practice their religion. - LOLGOP

Christian Conservatives Poke Hornet's Nest At Mosque
A local Phoenix reporter covering the anti-Islam rally tonight said she “got caught up in a couple brawls” at the event and showed footage of some of them.

There's a difference between climate and weather, libturd. Climate is always changing. Weather is what Obama controls. - LOLGOP

WTF?
A Colorado Republican and TV evangelist calls for a new St. Patrick to expel modern-day “snakes” — the preacher’s term for gay people — out of Ireland,

Rock The Voter News

If you watch '16 & Pregnant' and listen very very closely you can dimly hear the sound of Susan B. Anthony screaming. - John Fugelsang

Democrat Martin O'Malley Throws Hat In Ring
Former Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley entered the Democratic presidential race on Saturday in a longshot challenge to Hillary Rodham Clinton for the 2016 nomination, casting himself as a new generation leader who would rebuild the economy and reform Wall Street.

Ann Coulter Would Ban Fat Immigrants
Commenting on her refusal to hug an undocumented immigrant during a recent interview, Ann Coulter doubled down, adding that she would "not admit overweight" immigrants into the country if she was "in charge of immigration."

The purpose of the GOP primary is to remind America that being a billionaire doesn't make you a genius or particularly good with your money. - LOLGOP

Business/Tech News

Jeb: Corporate Whiz Boy?
During his transition from Florida governor to likely presidential candidate, Jeb Bush served on the boards of or as an adviser to at least 15 companies and nonprofits, a dizzying array of corporate connections that earned him millions of dollars and occasional headaches....Yet experts question how anyone could serve so many boards at once effectively.

If the GOP actually cared about the deficit, the unemployment rate, gas prices and securing the border, they'd be demanding Obama's 3rd term - LOLGOP

"We are now 11 weeks away from the first Republican presidential debate. The debate will be held in a 300-seat theater, so there'll be almost enough seats for all the candidates." –Seth Meyers