President Trump, apparently inspired by the Bastille Day parade he witnessed last summer during a trip to Paris, has ordered the Pentagon to look into staging something similar — but naturally bigger and better — for Washington, D.C., the White House confirmed Tuesday.
Everyone in the armed forces should claim they have bone spurs and do the parade riding golf carts. - Patton Oswalt
The World Is A Safer Place Without
- North Korea 'months away' from ability to hit US with nuclear weapon: US envoy
- Kim Jong Un is sending his younger sister to South Korea for the Olympics
- NK asks S. Korea to provide fuel for ship that transported art troupe
- Under plans unveiled Netanyahu's government, tens of thousands of African migrants will soon be expelled from Israel
- Syria war: Israel 'strikes Damascus military complex'
- Polish leader signs controversial law on Holocaust speech
Trump is planning a parade. Someone tell him he can't throw beads off a float and expect women to show their boobs on Pennsylvania Avenue. - Tim Hanlon
Subject: Trump’s Uniform
I know what Trump really wants – a uniform! And it would be the greatest uniform of all time; believe me! He could drape himself in the finest imported (from China) linens with gold braid and stars and much embroidery; plus a red, white, and blue sash; plus all the medals of all the services (as befits their commander) from all the wars.
He could carry a sword like Washington and pearl-handled revolvers like Patton. He could wear mirrored sunglasses like Gaddafi. The gold embroidery on his hat would put MacArthur’s to shame. His hat could even have a plume so that when he put it on he would be taller than Jim Comey.
Then he could declare himself a 7-star – no, make that a 50-star – field marshal, generalissimo, and commander-in-chief. He could ride in a gold carriage drawn by eight white horses. The carriage would have two red buttons, to order either a nuclear strike or a diet Coke. A bevy of beautiful young girls would fan and applaud him, and cater to his every whim.
And then he would be the greatest president there ever was or will be; that I can tell you!
Or he could just get penis enlargement surgery and spare us all the time and expense of this dreadful spectacle.
Thanks Rick. Thank you. Just what I needed... I gagged snorted at the 50 stars!
I left out the uniform pants, custom-tailored so Paul Ryan could lick his balls during the parade.
No you didn't.
It would be nice to help Puerto Rico recover from the hurricane, but that money is badly needed to stage an enormous military parade in DC - Andy Borowitz
FBI Investigating NRA's Ties To Russia
A Russian pro-gun group with ties to the National Rifle Association boasted an “honorary members” list that’s a who’s-who of far-right and nationalist Russian political figures.
The group, The Right To Bear Arms, is run by Alexander Torshin, the Russian central bank official and Putin ally at the center of an FBI investigation into whether the NRA received illegal Russian money to boost Donald Trump in 2016
- Poll: Majority of Americans thinks Trump has tried to obstruct Russia probe
- Most Republicans believe the FBI is “working to delegitimize Trump”
- Federal court upholds Trump University settlement, orders Trump to pay defrauded students $25 million
- Pennsylvania Republican wants to impeach judges in gerrymandering case
- EPA chief says he is disarming agency 'weaponized' by Obama
- States, greens sue Trump over Obama EPA water rule delay
- Meghan McCain: Trump won't attack my dad again
- House Republicans pass short-term spending bill that is likely doomed in the Senate
- Republican Senate Leader Predicts 'Chaos' at End of Session
- Nicole Eggert files sexual assault police report against Scott Baio
Sean Hannity reminds you that the Dow increase was due to Trump's brilliance but the Dow falling was all Obama's fault because...
Never mind. I was just trying to write a joke but he actually said that. -John Fugelsang
The Chaotic World Of FBI Emails
Two FBI officials who disparaged President Trump in text messages reportedly exchanged other messages in 2016 praising former FBI director James Comey and criticizing Congress...The two officials — FBI agent Peter Strzok and FBI lawyer Lisa Page — in an exchange mocked Congress as "worthless,"Strzok responded: "Less than worthless."
They also offered praise for Comey, referring to him as "brilliant."
MATT LAUER: Welcome back to the Trump Military parade. I'm Matt Lauer with cohost Lana Trump for Trump TV.
LARA TRUMP: Lara.
MATT LAUER: Whatever. Coming down Pennsylvania Ave is the US Army Fife and drum corps with honorary parade delegate Scott Baio.
LARA TRUMP: Love him!
- Jeremy Newberger
“Sean Hannity has accused me of making the stock market go down,” Obama said. “All I have to say is, ‘Guilty as charged.’ ” - Andy Borowitz
Rock The Voter News
- Biden: Trump's Trying to 'Undo Everything' Obama Did, But He's Unable To
- Melania Trump Follows Her Husband's Least Favorite Person on Twitter: Barack Obama
- Hillary Clinton is subject of 'The Unmaking of the President' and Georgetown book party
Is Brownie Running FEMA Again?
Two Democrats are calling for the Federal Emergency Management Agency to be subpoenaed for documents relating to Hurricane Maria, suggesting the agency failed to provide tens of millions of meals after the storm devastated Puerto Rico...The company delivered 50,000 of the 30 million meals promised in a contract signed October 3, less than 0.25 percent, according to Tribute Contracting owner Tiffany Brown.
- Solar power industry lost nearly 10000 jobs in 2017
- LA Times publisher Ross Levinsohn cleared of wrongdoing, will become CEO of new Tronc unit
- Wynn Resorts shares soar after Steve Wynn steps down
- Harley-Davidson recalls 175000 motorcycles over brake failure
- Tesla: 7 Years After IPO, More Valuable Than Ford (Infographic)
Pence acknowledged that some people in the White House would have to be left behind by Rapture: “Jared, for example.” - Andy Borowitz
Love Love Love Elon Musk. Thanks For The Thrills!
Our sun gained a new satellite, courtesy of SpaceX’s first test launch of its Falcon Heavy rocket: A cherry-red Tesla Roadster once driven by SpaceX and Tesla CEO Elon Musk, blasting tunes from David Bowie’s “Space Oddity” with a spacesuit-clad “Starman” dummy strapped in the driver’s seat. On the dashboard display as Starman hurtled into the darkness, waiting in the sky? “Don’t Panic,” the tagline from Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
Elon Musk is slowly moving everything he owns to another planet. - DNA DNA tweet
I thought launching a car into space was dumb until I imagined the confused look on the aliens who find it centuries after we die LOL - Jesse McLaren