All Hat No Cattle: Top Army General: No, Trump, We're Not Going To Seize ISIL's Oil Supply

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Top Army General: No, Trump, We're Not Going To Seize ISIL's Oil Supply
Army Chief of Staff Gen. Ray Odierno said on Wednesday that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump's idea of using the U.S. military to seize oil reserves from the Islamic State terrorist group wasn't going to work.

The people who believe Obama's actually Muslim tend to be the same ones who believed Cheney was actually Christian.- John Fugelsang

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam

McCain: “For those of us who have looked forward to bombing Iran for some time now, peace is a doomsday scenario.”- Andy Borowitz

I Bet The Ayatollah Is Laughing At The Whole USA
“They have no respect for John Kerry, who falls off bicycles at 73 in the middle of a negotiation that’s very important,” Trump quipped of the secretary of State’s role in this year’s nuclear talks with Tehran.

Trump: “When I’m in the White House, the leaders of ISIS are going to bear the brunt of the most vicious tweets the world has ever known."- Andy Borowitz

A literal racist clown is leading the GOP primary and the media is in full pearl clutch over Democrats.- LOLGOP

Republican Shenanigans

Trump's head is 'up his ass'- Jay Leno

Mexico: No Wall For Trump
The Mexican government says it won't help pay for a wall along its border with the U.S., a proposal pushed by Republican front-runner Donald Trump.
"Of course it's false," Eduardo Sanchez, a spokesman for Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, told Bloomberg for a story published late Wednesday.

I think conservatives will be fine with Ben Carson having experimented on fetal tissue as long as he didn't try to give it health insurance. - LOLGOP

Bernie Sanders is now leading Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire. He's seven points ahead. So forget those emails from when she was secretary of state. I want to see the emails Hillary sent out this morning.- Conan O'Brien

Wilmore Defends Bernie
After tackling the first GOP primary debate earlier this week, Larry Wilmore’s coverage of “The Unblackening” turned to the Democratic race Wednesday night, and particularly Bernie Sanders’ struggles to connect with African-American voters.

Rock The Voter News

Bernie Sanders Rocked by Overdue Library Book Allegations. - Andy Borowitz

Dean Defends Hillary
Howard Dean believes "there's nothing criminal" about any of the correspondence Hillary Clinton kept on a private email server she used while in office, the former Vermont governor said Thursday.

Imagine this: Jeb Bush is so scared of Donald Trump that he thinks Iraq is a better issue for him.- LOLGOP

NBC Doesn't Like Trump
An NBC executive told reporters Thursday that its show, "The Celebrity Apprentice" will return, but without its longtime host, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, according to a report on variety.com...NBC Universal ended its relationship with Trump earlier this summer after the businessman said Mexican immigrants are "rapists" and drug dealers.

Business/Tech News

We Built a $335 Million Power Plant in Afghanistan that Can Barely Turn on Lightbulb. Yeah, Bush Built It.
USAID is denying that a $335 million “vital component” of their mission to aid the massive energy deficit in Kabul, Afghanistan is an utter failure, but a new report contradicts that claim.