All Hat No Cattle: Texas Wants Its Own Fort Knox

With Eye on Fiscal Armageddon, Texas Set to 'Repatriate' Its Gold To New Texas Fort Knox
Texas wants its gold back.
On Friday, Gov. Greg Abbott signed legislation that will create a state-run gold depository in the Lone Star State – one that will attempt to rival those operated by the U.S. government inside Fort Knox and the Federal Reserve Bank of New York’s vault in lower Manhattan.

Who is your favorite Republican candidate who inherited his career from his dad?- LOLGOP

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam

Many lawmakers on Capitol Hill wore seersucker suits to work yesterday, in honor of National Seersucker Day. In a related story, ISIS is still a huge problem, you guys.- Jimmy Fallon

Putin Puffing His Chest
Russia’s president Vladimir Putin has said that Russia would add more than 40 new intercontinental ballistic missiles to its nuclear arsenal this year, a remark that is likely to increase alarm in the West.

Jeb Bush wants to convince America that it was better off in 2008 than it is in 2015. - LOLGOP

Last Sane Republican Flips
Sen. Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) has long been one of the more moderate voices within the Republican Party when it comes to the Obama administration’s nuclear negotiations with Iran. With the June 30 deadline for a deal drawing closer, Corker is changing his tune — and potentially making it even harder for the White House to sell an eventual agreement to a skeptical Capitol Hill.

Republican Shenanigans

Donald Trump does poll well in one area. 87% of pageant contestants say "He cares about people like me."- LOLGOP

Another Clown Car Addition
Donald J. Trump, the real estate mogul and reality television celebrity, announced Tuesday that he would seek the Republican presidential nomination.

Jeb Bush announces campaign slogan, 'Fool Me 3 Times.'- John Fugelsang

Do You Think This Guy Watches Fox News?
The father of a man who opened fire on Dallas police headquarters blames liberal policies for his son’s obsessive anger.

One Republican lying is a joke, all Republicans lying is a strategy. - LOLGOP

Rock The Voter News

There are reports that Hillary Clinton’s campaign is saving money by encouraging staffers to take discounted buses between New York and Washington. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders is actually Fed-Exing himself to every speech.- Jimmy Fallon

Trump Should Be Taken Seriously
Following Donald Trump’s rambling 52-minute presidential announcement Tuesday, NY1 anchor Errol Louis told CNN not to discount the celebrity plutocrat so quickly.

“I would caution everybody,” Louis said. “The first election I ever voted in, a long time ago, was in 1980. People said this B-movie actor, Ronald Reagan, was playing opposite a chimpanzee, he couldn’t possibly be a serious candidate for office.’ And he won the presidency — twice!”

Rachel Dolezal was able to pass as African-American for years, until NAACP colleagues were tipped off by her use of the phrase 'okie-dokey.'- John Fugelsang

With a billion dollars, a reality show and a racist conspiracy theory, you too could become a contender for the GOP presidential nomination. - LOLGOP

WARNING: Viagra Users In Columbus, Ohio
One day last August, Toledo, Ohio, residents received a stark warning from city officials: Don't drink your tap water, don't wash the dishes in it, and don't bathe your kids in it. This year, it's the people of Columbus, 150 miles to the south, who got a jolt of bad news: In a large swath of the city and its suburbs, pregnant women and babies younger than 6 months of age have been advised to avoid the tap. In a warning well-designed to titillate headline writers, another group landed on the don't-drink-the-water list: Viagra users.

Business/Tech News

I'd vote for Donald Trump just to see America tell him 'You're Impeached.'- John Fugelsang

Whaaaat?
A Republican lawmaker accidentally cast his party's first vote for the California budget in years because he was distracted by Facebook.