Thursday, October 23, 2014

Palins describe brawl in police recordings

Palins describe brawl in police recordings
Editor's note: The audio mentioned below, obtained by CNN from police records, contains strong language.
Washington (CNN) -- Bristol Palin describes being dragged through the grass and called a series of obscenities during a massive brawl last month in recordings of Anchorage police interviews that CNN obtained through a public records request.

My Gawd, after listening to the police recording of the brawl, the Palins need a good bar of soap to wash out their mouths. Good parenting matters, just ask Chelsea Clinton and  Sasha and Milia Obama.

The Palin Family asks that you respect their privacy as they continue their attention-seeking.- LOLGOP

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam

We should react to a terrorist attack as Canada does -- with universal health care, zero abortion restrictions and same-sex marriage.- LOLGOP

New Ebola Measures Include Questionnaire, Which Has Questionable Questions
U.S. health officials unveiled new measures on Wednesday to carry out Ebola monitoring on anyone entering the country from the three nations at the center of a West African epidemic, increasing precautions to stop the spread of the virus.

Looks like they're working out the Ebola situation. The CDC has released new guidelines about what healthcare workers should wear to protect themselves when treating Ebola patients. For starters, this Halloween they've outlawed the slutty hazmat suit.- Conan O'Brien

Republican Shenanigans

Do Conservatives Have Frigging Editors? I Know, Stupid Question.
Conservative commentator Dana Loesch's new book Hands Off My Gun: Defeating the Plot to Disarm America includes spurious quotes from George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and other Founding Fathers, despite the fact that it purports to teach readers about "the history of the Second Amendment."

The people who always told me pot makes you lazy & lethargic are now telling me it made Michael Brown violent.- John Fugelsang

Conservatism A.K.A. Microscopic Brain Disease
Conservatives are outraged over what they claim, mistakenly, to be evidence of massive voter fraud being perpetrated in Arizona, The Daily Dot reports.

Rock The Voter News

Modern TV journalists talking about Ben Bradlee are like Justin Bieber talking about Leonard Cohen.- John Fugelsang

The Reagan Confederacy? LOL
A former aide to President Ronald Reagan is calling for southern states to secede from the union and form a new conservative nation called "Reagan" where citizens wouldn't be forced to compromise on "traditional values" like marriage.

I like it when people who defended Dick Cheney foreign policy call the black guy "arrogant."- John Fugelsang

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The GOP can hold the House without winning a single Latino vote. It can win the Senate without swaying 1 Obama voter. - LOLGOP

Business/Tech News

The NFL has created a sportsmanship award that will be presented to the winner on the eve of the Super Bowl. The winner will be whichever NFL player's not in jail on the eve of the Super Bowl.- Conan O'Brien

Graffiti Artist Defaces 10 National Parks—and Instagrams It
How can you get away with painting graffiti in some of the United States’ most iconic national parks?

If you’re dumb enough to boast of your exploits on social media, you can’t.

Every fish you catch and release goes home with an alien abduction story.- John Fugelsang

I've Never Watched TLC's Honey Boo Boo But This Is Beyond Belief
Mama June is seeing someone new, but there's a big problem ... the guy just got out of prison after serving time for molesting one of June's relatives ... TMZ has learned.

Kim Kardashian, by the way, shares a birthday with Benjamin Netanyahu and the scientist Alfred Nobel. Which just goes to show you: Horoscopes are crap.- Jimmy Kimmel



Odd News

Time To Deflate Photo

Thank you NASA for the incredible work you do.


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Just shoot me.

Here I was just zooming along putting together today's edition and WHAM. The skies opened up again and shut down my Internet access. My girlfriend called me to say that the bridge is shut down on the road to my apartment because water is flowing over it. Ay yi yi.

The good news is, I will have this edition out in the morning tomorrow.

I am so sorry for any humor inconvenience.

I send good vibes to Canada and the crisis they faced today.


Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Elementary School Throws Ebola Tantrum over Two Kids from Rwanda

Elementary School Throws Ebola Tantrum over Two Kids from Rwanda
Two elementary school children are being kept from attending Howard Yocum Elementary School in New Jersey because they recently moved to the U.S. from Rwanda, prompting Ebola fears from other parents — even though Rwanda is 2,600 miles from the west African region afflicted by the Ebola outbreak.

America is making up for overreacting to Ebola by continuing our tradition of under-reacting to climate change, inequality and gun violence.- LOLGOP

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam


Rand vs Rand vs Ebola
When it comes to dealing with Ebola in the United States, former Congressman Ron Paul (R) and his son, Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY), don’t see eye to eye.

Next up on Fox News: President Obama casts his ballot in Chicago, but lives in Washington. Should he be impeached for voter fraud? - Top Conservative Cat

Republican Shenanigans

Looks Like We're Going Back In Time
The likelihood of a Republican Senate takeover continues to increase with all three major election models giving the GOP at least a six in ten probability of winning the six seats the party needs to win take back control.

One more day without a new Ebola case and Fox News is going to have to infect Alan Colmes or Bob Beckel.- LOLGOP

I am not sure if this is an actual quote by Rick Perry...but it's funny!

Papa Bush Mad At Democrat Who Worked For Him
Former President George H.W. Bush released a statement Monday expressing displeasure about his cameo in one of Democratic Georgia Senate candidate Michelle Nunn's campaign ads.

In the ad, Nunn responded to her Republican opponent David Perdue's criticism of a photo of her posing with President Barack Obama by bringing up her previous work with Bush.

"It was taken at an event honoring President Bush, who I worked for as CEO of his Points of Light Foundation," Nunn said of the photo with Obama.

ISIS is smuggling ebola coated vibrators from Mexico into all the abortion clinics being built inside the public schools.- Lizz Winstead

Rock The Voter News

Rwanda Reacts To New Jersey School Banning Rwandan Kids
The east African nation of Rwanda is now screening all visitors who have traveled to the United States ...

President Obama was out playing golf today. He hit one tee shot 250 yards. Even golf balls are trying to distance themselves from him.- David Letterman

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Here's how the new mobile payment system works. If you so much as even glance at an Apple product, Apple Pay automatically deducts the full amount from your checking account.- Jimmy Kimmel

Business/Tech News

Whoever said "live like there's no tomorrow" probably owned a credit card company.- John Fugelsang

Irish Millionaires Increase
Despite the fact that most Irish households are still struggling with the after-effects of seven austerity budgets - not to mind the imminent imposition of water charges - soaring property prices mean that Ireland experienced one of the fastest growth rates in household wealth in the past year.

TSA Chief John Pistole announced that he is stepping down. So whoever takes his place is going to have some pretty big shoes to take off.- Jimmy Fallon



Odd News

Time To Deflate Photo


Monday, October 20, 2014

China's attitude of Hong Kong Protesters

After clashes, Hong Kong students, government stand their ground before talks
Hong Kong students and the government stood their ground on Monday ahead of talks aimed at defusing more than three weeks of pro-democracy protests that have blocked traffic around the Chinese-controlled city, but expectations of a breakthrough were low.

U.S. Assures Hong Kong That Their Protest Just One Of Many Issues White House Staying Silent On- The Onion

The World Is A Safer Place Without Saddam

I understand the raw politics of calling for an Ebola travel ban. But people have to be able to fly in and out of Texas.- LOLGOP

Kerry Looking For Support From Largest Muslim Population
 US Secretary of State John Kerry on Monday visited Indonesia, home to the world's biggest Muslim population, to press Southeast Asian nations to step up efforts in the fight against the Islamic State (IS) group.

GOP demands include an investigation into how 2 people got Ebola and absolutely no investigation into why 30,000 die a year from gun shots.- LOLGOP

Republican Shenanigans

Supremes OK Texas Messing With Their Voters
For the first time in three decades, the Supreme Court will allow a law possibly restricting voting rights to stand, at least temporarily, despite a lower federal court’s ruling to the contrary.

Texas. Where it's easier to get Ebola than it is to vote :(    - LOLGOP

The GOP is making a convincing case we must fight Ebola by electing the guys who want to leave medical research to the Duck Dynasty guys.- LOLGOP

Rock The Voter News

Cruz Delays Surgeon General Nominee 'Cause He Ain't A Gun Lover
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) on Sunday accused President Barack Obama's pick for surgeon general of not being a "health care professional" because the doctor had backed a ban on military-style assault rifles.

My doctor told me that I should avoid being shot by a gun. I was sad to inform him that he can now never be Surgeon General. - LOLGOP

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Puerto Rican Republicans In Florida?
How a surge in Puerto Rican voters is changing Florida politics.
They may lean Democratic, but many —especially the newcomers —are 'up for grabs'

We've had cases of #Ebola in Germany, too, but we'd never blame Chancellor Merkel 4 it! I find you Americans hilariously ridiculous!- Sandra Lägel tweet

Business/Tech News

Ebolaghazi Never Took Hold In Dallas Much To Fox News' Disappointment
Texas health officials say 120 people are still being monitored for possible infection with Ebola because they may have had contact with one of the three people who got the disease in Dallas.

Officials said Monday that 43 of 48 people on an original watch list had passed the 21-day incubation period for the viral disease and are now in the clear.

In America in 2014 if you work hard, follow the rules, and choose rich enough parents, you too can achieve the American Dream!- Top Conservative Cat


Big thanks to Archie and Tim and everyone who donated!

I ordered a 9" Google tablet. It should arrive sometime between November and December, depending on customs.


Odd News

Time To Deflate Photo

Comet Siding Spring (shown here in an artist's concept) flew by Mars on Oct. 19, 2014, coming with 87,000 miles of the Red Planet. 
Credit: NASA